180 works!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2009
180 works!
6
Tue, 06-02-2009 - 11:40am

I've been working the 180 list pretty hard for the last few weeks.

"If something cannot go on forever, it will stop."  Herb Stein

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2009
Tue, 06-02-2009 - 12:13pm

Hello TM,

I'm happy to hear about this night for you and W. Mostly, I'm happy for you and the experience of realizing that you will be okay without her. Not ideally what you desire, but still have this feeling that you are going to survive.

Maybe it was something in the air last night? My H too, seemed to have a bit of a panic attack that I might just be okay w/out him. He came home from work on time (I can't remember the last time that happened). We talked about nothing really and he worked on fixing the Kitchen sink. It's so strange to me how some days can feel so normal? So, after a bit, I announced i was going to the track to walk and did he want to come? He did not, I went anyway.

For the first time in so long, I'm actually okay spending time alone. It has been an amazing discovery to learn that I like spending time with me.

After being gone about 30 min. he texts me and asks what kind of message was I trying to send? He stated, "I come home early and try to show I want to spend time with you and you just leave?" Wow, did that feel good! I just responded and said I wasn't trying to send any messages, just that this is something I enjoyed doing and he was welcome to join me. He did not. But when I got home he turned on the hot tub and asked me to come sit with him. We spent hours, just talking and enjoying each others company. We didn't get into any serious conversations, but talked and talked and laughed and looked at the stars. It was so nice. I really focused on enjoying the moment and not thinking about the past or the future.

I know that everything is not fixed and we have a very long way to go still. But not matter what happens, we have that night to keep in our memories forever. Today, I don't feel panic or that knot, I just feel content. He has IC again today and we have MC tomorrow. We'll see what each day brings?
Today is a good day.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Tue, 06-02-2009 - 5:08pm
She sounds like she's been truly clueless all along and now is finally starting to see what's she's done for REAL.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2009
Wed, 06-03-2009 - 10:36am
That is SOOO right.

"If something cannot go on forever, it will stop."  Herb Stein

Avatar for pater_familia
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008
Sat, 06-06-2009 - 2:15am

TM

This is a great thread. I had so many mixed feelings about the 180. My DW was upset at me for ignoring her, so she went else where for attention. Well, after D Day, I began following her around the house. It took her trying to hurt herself and a joint visit to her shrink, and a thumping on this board to get me to actually give her some space.

Once I began to move on, it gave her the space to see what she did to me. And the carnage of what was left of me was far worse than she ever thought. She honestly thought that I wouldn't care about the affair. That I would be excited to move out and find someone else. When she saw me pulling myself together, working out, putting on a brave face when I went out the door to go to work. I think something melted inside. She wasn't as jaded as she thought she was. When I found a photo of one of the men on the internet and copied it and sent it to her with a note saying. "This guy? Seriously??"

And handing her the phone when I got his wife on the line, and having her apologize to the poor woman was a wake up call also. I called him a few names, (which were true and on target) which got back to yet another woman who was my wife's friend, and whom the dude also had an affair with. This and a spontaneous and synchronistic event where a bunch of nurses standing around in a circle badmouthing the guy in front of DW, saying how creepy he is and talking about yet more women he was currently with. Yeah, it took a short while, but she really began to grow more and more embarrassed about how screwed up she had become.

And when it all came crashing down emotionally. I was there, waiting patently. I really love this woman, I told her that the best day of my life was the day I met her. That, she really hurt me, and I didn't know how i was going to get over this, but I was going to try until she packed her bags and left me. I was going to try.

And I half expected her to pack her bags and have the last man come and get her. What we both now understand is that the last man was sorting her out in the end. He's a deer hunting, political conservative. Both my spouse and I moved from the far right when we were young, to fairly liberal folks now. He desperately wanted to talk to her about mounting some deer head. If I know my spouse, she wanted to talk to him about gay rights. DW and I spent 20 years growing up together, changing our theology, politics, tastes for food and share a hunger for travel. He only left his small town of 5,000 to go to college in the north end of the state. Married a girl he got pregnant and brought her back to his small home town to move into his folks house.

I don't think he would have appreciated the story when my spouse and I were in Istanbul and we were so wrapped up by the disco tech playing very loud exotic music somewhere below us, that we pulled the top mattress from the bed and laid it out on the balcony so we could listen to it while we made love and held each other until the early hours of the morning. I remember drifting off, only to be awoken by DW who when she got up to freshen up said, "That's sooo cool!"

I have 20 years of these kinds of stories with this woman, that in the end would all but kill this guy. He can't compete with what we have done. When I told him that he was just another one of the men that I was having to chase off, I could hear a change in his voice. When I called him back, this was the first thing he asked about. Yeah, when I confirmed this and pointed out that one of the other men was advising her about him. This seemed to settle over him during that last conversation. I think he began to think. "Good luck with that one."

Fine by me!

in the end, the fact is that I had fallen into a rut, was failing to take care of my family. Once I started correcting this, along with taking care of myself, and working the 180 as best I could. I was going to be an obvious top contender. It soon became my choice to stay or leave. She made hers fairly early on after D Day. What could I do, I spent the last 20 years growing up with this woman and I owe her a great deal. Friends look after their best friend, even when they don't look after you. And the fact is, that I had failed her, I could see that almost right off the bat, I had to at least try and make some of that right.

Thomas

5 kids ages 15-9, D Day: August 5, 2008

Status: Figuring it out. Together.

Thomas

We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2009
Mon, 06-08-2009 - 9:22am

A week later and it's been a good one.

"If something cannot go on forever, it will stop."  Herb Stein

Avatar for pater_familia
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008
Mon, 06-08-2009 - 2:15pm

"I'm struggling to find the sweet spot between pushing too hard and not hard enough. In all likelihood that's a struggle that exists mostly in my mind."

Yeah, join the club. I'm thinking of buying one of those eight balls that you shake and get advice from.

Thomas

5 kids ages 15-9, D Day: August 5, 2008

Status: Figuring it out. Together.

Thomas

We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.