5+ years rebuilding
Find a Conversation
|Tue, 04-13-2010 - 1:38am|
Well, it had been almost a year since I lurked on the boards. My H and I are rebuilding after an affair following the birth of our second child. Our son was born 10/03 and H started the affair 3/04 and got caught 5/04.
Things were going so-so (H has a lot of problems including denial and compartmentalization) until last week. We had a bizarre evening where our kids were at his parents for the night during the work week. We went out to a work related event and were supposed to have dinner afterward. Long story short - we had too little to eat and too much to drink. A young woman, who worked for someone I knew, lived too far away to drive. I told her she could stay at our house even though I didn't know her (just her boss). Well, we walked back to our house and a young professional, who had his eye on her during the evening, walked with us. He came in too and he and I started talking about his sick father. I saw my H shag dancing w/her and then sitting on the couch with her and kissing her and touching her. He saw me looking at them and then they got up and started dancing again. THEN, I look up and she is making a beeline for me and came up and kissed me sexually on the lips. I pushed her away and said 'no, this is not going to happen'.
I have been in a daze since this happened. My H keeps saying this is not in line with his morals, blah blah blah (I have lived a rough life with him while he suffered us through a severe porn addiction/alcohol abuse/affair/losing his job -- his counselor is a very bright dude and diagnosed H with Moral Immaturity). I feel retraumatized over my H's behavior, but also feel like I was violated in my own home. A place which should be safe - by a situation which was orchestrated by my H, someone who should be keeping me safe, not exploiting me.
The best year of our marriage was when my H didn't drink for over a year. But he did so only after I gave him an ultimatum. I had an IC session with our marriage counselor - she used to be my IC until she became our MC - she said I shouldn't give H ultimatums b/c it makes me 'the parental figure' and doesn't have my H doing the work - it is still me doing it for him.
It feels embarrassing to see this in print. I am ashamed I drank too much, but that is the worst thing I did that night. I have made a promise to myself to stop at 2 drinks so I can still be in control EVEN if I don't eat much. H admitted that the two of them wanted to have sex and knew they had to get me involved if it was going to happen.
I doubt H can truly do the tough work in the comfort of our marriage. If I act like I am 'back to normal' then H doesn't pursue ANYTHING further, including counseling, talking, etc. I don't know what in the hell I want in life other than to put my energies into something OTHER than helping a morally immature man grow up. I am exhausted. H looked extremely concerned that I would bring up him abstaining again, but I feel he needs to make his journey his own. We have been together 20 years - celebrating our 16th wedding anniversary this year and we dated for 4 years prior.
Just writing this down makes me feel sick and pathetic. When I read some of the posts from newer folks, I keep thinking 'get a spine! Geez!' when in reality I am so full of it!!!!!!!!!!
Sorry to bum out those that look forward to being farther out and in a better place. I think the adage 'the past is the greatest predictor of the future' is terrifyingly accurate. If your spouse had serious problems prior to the affair, chances are, the affair may help them get into counseling, but if they struggle to do the hard work and don't grab their messes and own them and try to clean them up . . . you will continue to struggle . . .
Edited 4/13/2010 7:26 am ET by imommy22boys