5+ years rebuilding

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
5+ years rebuilding
12
Tue, 04-13-2010 - 1:38am

Well, it had been almost a year since I lurked on the boards. My H and I are rebuilding after an affair following the birth of our second child. Our son was born 10/03 and H started the affair 3/04 and got caught 5/04.

Things were going so-so (H has a lot of problems including denial and compartmentalization) until last week. We had a bizarre evening where our kids were at his parents for the night during the work week. We went out to a work related event and were supposed to have dinner afterward. Long story short - we had too little to eat and too much to drink. A young woman, who worked for someone I knew, lived too far away to drive. I told her she could stay at our house even though I didn't know her (just her boss). Well, we walked back to our house and a young professional, who had his eye on her during the evening, walked with us. He came in too and he and I started talking about his sick father. I saw my H shag dancing w/her and then sitting on the couch with her and kissing her and touching her. He saw me looking at them and then they got up and started dancing again. THEN, I look up and she is making a beeline for me and came up and kissed me sexually on the lips. I pushed her away and said 'no, this is not going to happen'.

I have been in a daze since this happened. My H keeps saying this is not in line with his morals, blah blah blah (I have lived a rough life with him while he suffered us through a severe porn addiction/alcohol abuse/affair/losing his job -- his counselor is a very bright dude and diagnosed H with Moral Immaturity). I feel retraumatized over my H's behavior, but also feel like I was violated in my own home. A place which should be safe - by a situation which was orchestrated by my H, someone who should be keeping me safe, not exploiting me.

The best year of our marriage was when my H didn't drink for over a year. But he did so only after I gave him an ultimatum. I had an IC session with our marriage counselor - she used to be my IC until she became our MC - she said I shouldn't give H ultimatums b/c it makes me 'the parental figure' and doesn't have my H doing the work - it is still me doing it for him.

It feels embarrassing to see this in print. I am ashamed I drank too much, but that is the worst thing I did that night. I have made a promise to myself to stop at 2 drinks so I can still be in control EVEN if I don't eat much. H admitted that the two of them wanted to have sex and knew they had to get me involved if it was going to happen.

I doubt H can truly do the tough work in the comfort of our marriage. If I act like I am 'back to normal' then H doesn't pursue ANYTHING further, including counseling, talking, etc. I don't know what in the hell I want in life other than to put my energies into something OTHER than helping a morally immature man grow up. I am exhausted. H looked extremely concerned that I would bring up him abstaining again, but I feel he needs to make his journey his own. We have been together 20 years - celebrating our 16th wedding anniversary this year and we dated for 4 years prior.

Just writing this down makes me feel sick and pathetic. When I read some of the posts from newer folks, I keep thinking 'get a spine! Geez!' when in reality I am so full of it!!!!!!!!!!

Sorry to bum out those that look forward to being farther out and in a better place. I think the adage 'the past is the greatest predictor of the future' is terrifyingly accurate. If your spouse had serious problems prior to the affair, chances are, the affair may help them get into counseling, but if they struggle to do the hard work and don't grab their messes and own them and try to clean them up . . . you will continue to struggle . . .




Edited 4/13/2010 7:26 am ET by imommy22boys

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2006
Thu, 04-15-2010 - 4:37pm
(((HUGS))) and I'm sorry this happened to you. It sounds like even though he's saying this isn't in line with his morals, that it is, if he set things up so the woman would come home with you guys and make a move on you. I know that you've been married a long time and you have kids together, but after this recent incident, do you think he's truly committed to rebuilding your marriage? Have you talked to your counselor about this incident?


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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2010
Thu, 04-15-2010 - 5:54pm
I'm so so very sorry - and yes, this is what I am terribly afraid of.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2006
Fri, 04-16-2010 - 11:27am
(((HUGS)))


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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2004
Fri, 04-16-2010 - 12:13pm

(((HUGS)))


The abstaining sounds like a very good idea!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Sat, 04-24-2010 - 2:26pm
Yes, I did and she said she counsels many who, when drinking, have a 'shadow side' as she puts it. She said some get aggressive, some get sexually promiscuous, etc. and that they are not in line with such behavior when sober. I am in a haze and trying to work through it. I am trying to figure out if I am alright with my H if he wants to be a decent person because he wants to stay married to me or if he wants to be a decent, moral person, because that is the right thing to do. I do not have my answer yet and that makes me sad and confused.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Sat, 04-24-2010 - 2:28pm
Does your H have problems? Etoh, porn, other dishonest/dishonorable behavior?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Sat, 04-24-2010 - 2:32pm
Thank you Mercyblu. I have suffered through some serious stuff w/my H. He dove into porn w/the birth of our first son and had the A after the birth of our second boy. My experiences as a new mother were sadly tarnished to put it mildly. The doctors thought something was wrong w/my second child (early u/s was abnormal) and so H pulled away from me and our unborn son and did not allow himself to connect w/the baby and then got lonely and had an affair. Very tragic and very primitive and very, very sad for all of us.


Edited 4/24/2010 3:56 pm ET by imommy22boys
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2006
Mon, 04-26-2010 - 9:21am

I do agree that many alcoholics do things while drinking that they'd never do while sober. Only you can determine whether you're really willing and able to forgive and move past things while he works on his sobriety, or not. Either way, we're here for you. (((HUGS)))


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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2004
Sun, 05-02-2010 - 10:00am

Hi imommy, I remember you. I am sorry to hear that your still hurting. I really hope you take a stand for yourself. It really sounds like your self worth has gone thru the ringer. He doesn't deserve you AT ALL! It sounds like your husband has some serious addictions if I remember.

I hope you find the stregth in yourself. I think you know what you need to do, just doing it is very very heartbreaking. Many hugs, Tea

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Sun, 05-02-2010 - 8:47pm

Thank you for responding. I feel zapped. I believe you are correct and I do know what I need to do. I have an IC a week from tomorrow and I am going to spend that hour talking about separating.

I had a horrible dream two nights ago. I was on an island and couldn't get off. I felt something on my ear and tried to pull it off. My ear was bleeding and crusty and at first I thought it was cancer. Then a big fat bloated tick fell off my ear onto the ground. I picked up a shoe to crush it, but was scared to crush it. Scared the blood would go everywhere. So I thought about what to do and while I was thinking, the tick got small again and I couldn't find it. I suddenly felt overwhelmed that the tick was going to climb back on me. I KNEW this was going to happen. The dream was simple, island is my marriage and H is the tick. I woke up feeling so so so sad.

And that feeling has stayed all day. (sorry to gross you out)

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