? about OW and dealing with emotions

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-11-2000
? about OW and dealing with emotions
10
Wed, 10-19-2011 - 4:16pm

Ok the woman my husband had an affair with happened to be my best friend.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2011
Wed, 10-19-2011 - 5:54pm
Dream, I knew the OW too. She wasn't my BFF, but a friend. To this day, 5 months post dday I still can't grapple with how she could do it. I felt she "knew better.". I did contact her a few times. 1st time was right after to vent my anger and rage for what she could of cost my children. A month post dday I contacted her for her side of the story. I had a feeling that she "owed" me an explanation. She must of felt that way to a degree because she answered every question I had. I made it clear that I didn't want to tell her what I thought of her as I felt I was clear enough the 1st time. I also didn't do as a way to get an apology because I knew nothing would satisfy me. In the end, she did say she was sorry for the pain she caused me, but she never apologized for having an affair or wanting my husband or wanting to supplant me.

I know there is differing views on this. Do what feels right to you. Maybe ask her if she would answer any questions from you and see what she says.

For me it brought some closure, but not completely. She is not on the receiving end and she will never truly "get" what she did. It may bring on a new wound too.

So so sorry for your double betrayel. You were a better friend. She was a taker. You are a giver in this world. She somehow has to make peace with herself if she has any conscience. She has to live with what she has done to you, your family, herself, her husband and her family if she has one.

Be proud of who you are. Keep walking forward.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2003
Thu, 10-20-2011 - 3:21pm

I am 7 months post DDay, and I too found out that the OW was my best friend at the time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Fri, 10-21-2011 - 4:45pm

No true best friend CAN do this, it's up to you whether or not you want to try to forgive her, but remember that you will never forget.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2008
Sat, 10-22-2011 - 9:49pm

I'm sorry for the pain you are going through.

My H was with several other women throughout the years, and I found one of the difficult things to deal with was my loss of faith in womankind. It has always seemed to me that we should stick together. To help each other ESPECIALLY when we are having difficulties with thing like a marriage. So for a woman to help cause such pain, and especially someone you know, is truly difficult to fathom.

I was "friends" with two of the women my H was with - although neither was what I would call a "best friend" - I can't even imagine! Even though I know that my emphasis has to be on my H and us, I felt I had to say something to them. I carefully composed an email, waited, reread, and rewrote and then sent it. They both responded and I responded back once briefly. One of them responded in such a way that I felt she wanted to continue to talk about it, but I felt that I said what I wanted to say. I resisted the urge and moved on. I knew that I would see them both at an upcoming event, so I also let them know that I didn't want to talk to them and that they were not to talk to my H. I stuck to it and so did they. It was a little awkward, but I found that I could actually sit in the same room with them and just ignore them knowing that they had chosen to breach my trust.

I know it must be different with someone you are so close to, but hope that helps a little.

Good luck to you in whatever you decide to do!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-11-2000
Mon, 10-24-2011 - 12:47pm
Myradorn, I thought the same about my best friend that she could never do this to me yet she did. Talk about a shock. My sister had seen something a year ago that made her think something was going on and she sent my friend an email telling her to stop what she was doing. My friend told me about the email and asked me if I thougth she could do that to me which I said no of course not. Thinking that she had the nerve to even bring the email up and ask me about it goes thru me now, talk about thinking u know someone and finding out they were someone totally different.
I know I should probably be angrier with my H but I understand why he did it now. I realize we had issues that we should have worked on a long time ago. That doesn't excuse it and I am still having a hard time dealing with what he did and that he could hurt me that way but I understand more why he did it. Her I don't understand. As far as I knew we had a great friendship etc. How, after everythign we have been thru and as supportive as I have been to her over the years, she could do that to me, I cannot understand. I have cancelled her out and do not wish to ever be friends with her again. HOwever, I do wish to know why she did and how she could do it. I'd like to know if she ever truly thought of me as a friend, etc. Its these questions that nag at me. I don't understand and would just like some explanation from her, even though no explanation will excuse it or enable me to be friends with her ever again. I emailed her and asked her for one, but she has not responded. That shows me even more how little of a person she is and how little I must have meant to her.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-11-2000
Mon, 10-24-2011 - 12:57pm
Thank you for your response redballoons99. It is very difficult when it is someone you know and trust as much as I did my bestfriend. It is the worst pain and hurt I have ever felt. My H's betrayal of me hurt majorly also, but I can understand more why he did it. Her, I will never understand. I am hoping my husband and I can repair our marriage, but my friendship with her can never be repaired. Everyday I think less and less of her. The fact that she couldn't even give me a full appology and try to explain why she did it to me shows me even more how little she must have thought of me. Also, how little of a person she really is and how selfish. I have emailed her 3 times and she has yet to respond to any of them. The first one I emailed her right after I found out and I told her how much she hurt me and my family. I didnt' call her names I just wanted her to know how much pain she has caused me, so that she will hopefully never do this to anyone again. The second time I was struggling with decisions and didn't have anyone to turn to, because before this happened she was the one I would have turned to. I let her know again how much I was having a hard time with what she did to me and how much I was hurting. The last one was asking her for an explanation, her side of what happened and why it happened, just to give me piece of mind. I also told her that it would help me to do deal with my emotions in case I ran into her, because right now all I want to do is tell her off, punch her etc. I doubt I'd ever actually punch her, that is just not in my nature, but the hurt and anger I feel right now, I really don't knwo what I would do. I hate the way I feel and the anger I feel. Its not me either. Im not an angry vengeful. person. She has yet to respond to any email, even the last one. I know she got at least one of them, maybe she blocked my email address, I don't know. Maybe it wont' help to hear her side, but I'd like to think it might hellp me to understand why she did it and maybe help my self-esteem some. Because having two of the most important people (other than my kids) hurt me the way they have has been a huge blow to my self-esteem.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2008
Sat, 11-05-2011 - 6:57pm

Just reading back through your thread and hoping you're doing ok.

The whole self-esteem issue is really quite ironic. My H has talked about how much of an ego boost cheating is. He has never had good self-esteem, so he fell victim to the thrill of having someone "willing to risk so much" for him as he puts it.

Unfortunately, we are what they are willing to risk (although, I don't think they really believe it will come to that), and whatever ego boost they get, we get whatever the opposite of that is. When I told my H that, I think he was floored - he really had not thought of that. Maybe if they DID realize that, they wouldn't do it.

The most ironic thing (and this is a grand generalization, so it might now apply to you) is that I think most people with low self-esteem choose spouses with good self-esteem (my H used to say I was his "rock"). I think if they cheat it is with someone who also has low self-esteem. Unfortunately, we are caught in the cross-fire and OUR self-esteem is shattered.

I'm wondering if both your H and your best-friend chose to have you in their lives because you were a strong person? It's just sad that they couldn't respect it more and choose another way to get an ego boost.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-1999
Sun, 11-06-2011 - 1:43pm
Redballoons,

Wow. No kidding about the low self esteemer marrying a high self esteemer and cheating with another low self esteemer. Totally hit the nail on the head in my case. And wow what a damage that did to my self esteem. I am 10 mos out from d-day and STILL don't trust that half the decisions I make on a daily basis are the right ones and when I do make decisions I completely over analyze everything for fear that I am making a huge mistake. Mainly because the last time I made bad decisions H felt unloved and unappreciated and went to someone who "appreciated" him.

All we can do is survive and rebuild and to do that we simply just do the best we can.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-11-2000
Tue, 11-08-2011 - 12:52pm
I think in a way you are right. In many ways I am a strong person, although I wouldn't say I have a good self-esteem. I went to college though and had a mindset on being independent as far as financially. I have an excellent credit score because I am very careful with my money and have worked hard for it. I am intelligent and have always worked hard for the things in my life. That being said, I am also shy and don't feel I am that pretty (I know I'm not dog ugly but not beautiful). I'm not good at making small talk, talking to strangers etc. I am extremely shy in that aspect. However, my H and the OW are not really shy but are both extremely bad with money. I guess a better word would be irresponsible. They both have horrible credit. She was a stay at home mom, but her husband work was on and off. He made great money when he was working but when he wasn't they were broke and could barely make it. She tried several times to get a job but could never last in one. She always found some excuse to quit. She would gripe and complain about her H not wanting to get another job, steadier job, and would say she didn't know what to do. I tried to be supportive and not be judgemental but what I should have said was to grow up and get a job etc. My H is irresponsible with money, has horrible credit. He has one bill that is his responsibility to physically go and pay and it was never on time even though he had the money t o pay it. He also keeps getting in trouble with his work for calling off. I fussed at him over this and him not helping me more around the house. My friend knew this and I think used it to get to him. I think she saw he had a good job and always had money with him etc. My H would go play xbox with her husband and she would wait on them, cook dinner for them and fix their plates. Get their pops out of the fridge etc. I work full-time and don't always cook a big dinner and don't wait on him hand and foot. I did things for him but not to the extent she did when he went over there. I didnt' think anything of it because she did the same for her H. She also took better care of herself. She always found the money, even when they were broke to go get her hair done. Always had her nails done (she did them herself but always had them painted). Always had nice clothes even when they were broke she would find a way to get new ones if she needed them. With two kids, working fulltime and a H that didn't help much around the house I didn't take the time for myself. I got my hair cut maybe twice a year, my nails are never polished, I dont' have the time to keep them up, My clothes aren't great because I make sure my bills are paid first and my kids have clothes (I hate credit card debt so I won't charge for myself unless I absolutley have to have it), basically I sacrificed myself for my kids and husband. I came last, whereas both of them usually put themselves first. If my husband wanted a game, he went out and bought it. If he wanted to go out to eat, he'd go out and buy it. He always kept enough of his check to ensure he had plenty. I was always the one that did without. I griped about it to him and her. I think she used it to her advantage. I think she used my griping to get closer to him. I can't be sure. I never got her side of it as to how it exactly started. My H says she started it, but he could be lying too.
Anyway, I have rambled on about it but I think u are correct in that I'm a strong person in ways that they were both not strong. I think they both have used me for support and also they know I sacrifice myself for others, those I care about. I think they both took advantage of that. I don't know if this made since, because I have rambled. My mind anymore can't seem to focus and bounces around a lot.
Thanks for your post redballoons it really made me think about it in another way, again sorry for the rambling.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2008
Tue, 11-08-2011 - 2:25pm

This response is not directed to you dreamtwin, you sound like you have financially taken care of yourself.