About wanting revenge

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2010
About wanting revenge
11
Wed, 12-29-2010 - 12:35pm

2.5 years since D-Day and my H and I have a wonderful M. It was rough for a while and I took my H through h3ll for a while. He has totally become a great H and shown remorse. He considers his XAP as the worse mistake of his life and he is disgusted by her and by who he was during his A. I have also become indifferent towards the XOW recently. Before, I envisioned scratching her eyeballs out. I had all of these revenge fantasies about her where I made her pay for the pain I suffered because I felt like she just got away with murder. She was a murderer in fact, she murdered that ugly man my H was when he was in the A. She actually got the worse part of a wonderful man and brought out the worse in him. I bring out the best in him. He was telling me on Christmas day how thankful he was that I stayed with him and forgave him. He said to me that he can't believe that he almost lost a wonderful, intelligent, beautiful and honest W for a low down woman who sleeps with MM. He told me how much he respects me because I have been faithful to him for twenty years and even stood by him when he made such a horrific mistake. I told him that he taught me a valuable lesson also. He taught me that I can live without him and I will make the decision to extract him from my life if he ever strays again. Before his A, I honestly thought we were so inter-twined that there was no room for a third party.

Back to the revenge of the XOW. My revenge on her is greater than anything I could have ever done to her. Their A was exposed to everyone where they worked. She was dumped on D-Day and thrown out like yesterday's garbage and will never hear from my H again. She tried to woe my H by pulling all of her dirty little tricks out of her ho-bag and it got her absolutely nowhere. My H is

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2010
Fri, 12-31-2010 - 11:37am
I can relate to you on this so much.

June 7th 2010 was a big day for me on a lot of levels, first it was was my d-day, the day my DH & myself reclaimed our lives & our marriage and also and IMO the most important because it was the day we BOTH made the decision to get clean & sober.

The OW was sent packing too, though on the inside I wasnt quite sure at the time how that was going to go because the OW was pregnant & my DH & myself have no children together, in fact this baby is his only child so !will admit that there were a few months there I was really unsure of the future. my DH has made a COMPLETE turn around, with the additions gone and the OW cast to the side, we have worked HARD & put forth A LOT of effort and it is paying off.

As mean as this may sound I live with the knowledge that the OW will get through Karma a greater revenge than I could have EVER dished out, since now she has to admit to everyone she has a child by a married man and that it is his ONLY child but he made the choice to stay with his wife because he LOVED me.

We have made the choice also to have a relationship with the child, since it wasnt and will never be the child's fault and I really believe that a Higher Power had a reason for this beautiful baby....I believe she was sent to bring us back together and to make this marriage better than we could have EVER imagined!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2009
Sun, 01-02-2011 - 1:15am

very though provoking post.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2010
Tue, 01-04-2011 - 3:18pm
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2010
Tue, 01-04-2011 - 3:35pm

how many men laying there on Christmas morning with their wife after dday wonder or

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2003
Tue, 01-04-2011 - 5:31pm
Caryn D. Stein
Director of Community, iVillage.com | Contact Us
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2011
Wed, 02-23-2011 - 8:54pm

Ladies...as an XOW, I just want to say...I am truly sorry...for what I, and other women like I, did to your marriages. Everything you wrote here is true. At the heart of the matter, you are the reality...and I was the fantasy. A little bit of a background, I never wanted to "steal" anyone from his family, I never meant to do harm. I was in a very dark place myself, and I met this man...instant chemistry, etc. I resisted his advances for two years, I even moved to another country (not because of him) and stopped all contact with him. Then one day, one thing led to another, he came to where I live, and we had first PA. I felt horrible afterward, but thought to myself...it was just a one-time thing...and we could forget about it and moved on. But he continued the contact, even after his W found out his email for me (thank God, she did not know everything). Then he flew thousand miles and came to see me again. I was a bit tipsy and yea, slept with him for the second time. I have decided to end it, changed my number and closed my old email account. I have nobody else to blame but myself. Not the alcohol...not even him. It was my decision and mine only. I was weak, but it didn't give me the right to feel entitled to a little bit of fun, mostly because I could have had fun with a single man, and nobody would get hurt. I know that the guilt is my cross to bear. I will never have the opportunity to ask her for forgiveness, I can't talk to my friends because nobody knows and I'm too embarassed to tell them that I had slept with a MM (they would never understand how and why I could do such a despicable thing). And obviously now, I could not talk to him anymore either...because I realize, who was I kidding? He and I could never be friends again once we crossed that physical line.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2010
Mon, 03-28-2011 - 3:19am

I am indeed impressed how you can be so 100% sure about what your husband thinks and feels. And I congratulate if it is really true, I do wish you all the bst in your rebuilt marriage.

I've read so much about marriage, affairs, men and women, biology, psychology...and it all leads to the same: passion is one thing, lifelong marriage another. You have to decide which one you want. It is possible to have a lifelong partnership in which affection and love is alive until you both die, but it is hard to achieve and doesn't work for most couples because it means hard work on both the man's and the woman's mind.

If one studies marriage through the ages the modern kind of marriage - love marriage - exists barely 200 years and is about to vanish. Either you don't marry at all or you get divorced.

I certainly don't want to be misunderstood here: there are couples out there who dearly love each other after many many years, but this is not what our straying partners search for: they want passion, hot sex, fantasies becoming reality and this is not what you are getting in a marriage after a certain time. Couples who survive all this and come back to "normal", husbands, wives who can get past this urging for passion and anything new, may have a chance if there is really a substantial and sound enough common basis.

You seem to have such a basis and you are blessed if it is so. Please forgive me that in my current state (my DDay was only 8 months ago) I'm sceptical, I don't want to sound cynically. Probably I'm only envious because I recognize that my husband and I don't have such a sound basis that will permit us to survive all this undamaged, or survive at all. I read your husband does a lot to let you feel you are his leading lady, my husband thinks it is enough to help me in the household - something he did more and better when we were happier than now - and take the kids to the soccer club - a place where he spends more time than ever, although he proposed to give it all up (it happened all there, at the soccer club), being trainer, playing soccer, being youth director...I refused, knowing it means so much to him. But I hoped he would be more sensitive about how much time he spends there, how often I'm alone with the kids and the dog. Yes, really, he thinks it is enough to make an embarrassed face when I'm not well, grab the kids and leave the house as quickly as possible.

He never did anything for me, his wife, as a loving husband. I told him what I expected, what I wished...he only said that he is not good at such things and doesn't know how to do it. That's how it is since DDay. No progress here. Enough time passed for me. I have given up hope he will ever understand what happened when he did this to me. And I don't expect our marriage will improve again. Not enough effort from both sides (I stopped after nothing happened form his side after two months). Probably I have to accept what I wrote in the beginning of my post: our partnership isn't one that is made for eternity.

But you, go for it!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2010
Thu, 04-07-2011 - 10:07am

When your H offered to give up coaching soccer you should have automatically told him to quit. My H has a job where he is supposed to travel a lot for work. He has refused to travel since D-Day 2.8 months ago unless I go with him. It could have cost him his job but he put my needs and our M first. He makes ultimate sacrifices. We have always spent a lot of time together because we have similar interests. Now, unless we are at work we are together doing things together. We actually enjoy each other's company. We laugh and play together and most of all we worship and pray together. Bringing God into the center of our M has been the bond that holds us together. You have to become selfish and demand that you and your needs and healing come before anything else in your H's life.

We have always had passion in our M even during his A. We still have a lot of passion and we keep the fires burning in our M. Make sure you do special things for you H, like taking the kids to a babysitter overnight, lighting some candles and rose pedal baths where you treat him to a night of pleasure. Do that for him and you will bring out a side of him that you never knew existed. Oh yeah, don't forget the massage oil. Work on your M and you can create passion. No other woman on earth can make him feel the way you can because you know and have studied his anatomy for a long time and you know what works and what doesn't.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2010
Thu, 04-07-2011 - 10:09am

When your H offered to give up coaching soccer you should have automatically told him to quit. My H has a job where he is supposed to travel a lot for work. He has refused to travel since D-Day 2.8 months ago unless I go with him. It could have cost him his job but he put my needs and our M first. He makes ultimate sacrifices. We have always spent a lot of time together because we have similar interests. Now, unless we are at work we are together doing things together. We actually enjoy each other's company. We laugh and play together and most of all we worship and pray together. Bringing God into the center of our M has been the bond that holds us together. You have to become selfish and demand that you and your needs and healing come before anything else in your H's life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2007
Thu, 04-07-2011 - 11:49am

He never did anything for me, his wife, as a loving husband. I told him what I expected, what I wished...he only said that he is not good at such things and doesn't know how to do it.

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