On Achieving Transparency

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2009
On Achieving Transparency
7
Thu, 08-06-2009 - 3:12pm

This has been bothering me for a long time (a really long time, because our DDay was Nov 06). I have passwords to email, I'm the keeper of the phone records, keep track of husband online etc. I don't think he realizes I still check frequently (I mean multiple times a day). Looking at all his things makes me realize just how little he includes me in his life. I'm talking about stuff ranging from

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2009
Thu, 08-06-2009 - 5:35pm
I think that doing what you are doing is wonderful. You are staying on top of things and you know what is REALLY going on. All I can say is, my husband used to check up on me all the time, my stupid ebay bids, tons of them, every site I went to , and I was completely and totally innocent everywhere and HE was the one with the A and long history of porn, really bad stuff.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Fri, 08-07-2009 - 12:45am

No doubt this is more common than you think, I lived with a lot of it myself for years.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 08-07-2009 - 7:57am

It sounds like you have a more pervasive problem than his cheating. This issue of outright lying and lying by omission seems to be a large part of who he is. Doesn't matter whether he is lying about OW or about buying something, it is lying.

During the aftermath of DH's EA, it took me a long time to get it through his thick scull that lying by omission was just as bad as outright lying. By keeping information from, he denied me the right to make informed decisions about my life. This, of course was his purpose because he knew he would not like the decisions I would make.

I am not one who thinks that a married couple has to share everything that happens to them or tell about every choice or action they take. But your H is way out of line with all this secrecy. I don't know if I could live with it. It isn't just that he cheated and could obviously do so again, but that he keeps so much essential information about your life from you.

If you need something to gauge your H's behavior, I will tell that a year after Dday#1, I would occasionally meaning maybe once a month check the phone records and other things. I did this not because I expected to find anything, but just for my own peace of mind. Two years after Dday #2, I might check every couple of months. Three years after Dday #2, I was surprised to realize that I had not checked in over 6 months and did not feel the need to check at all.

The fact that you feel you need to continue to check a couple of times a day and you are continuing to catch him in lies is a huge red flag. I am not saying he is cheating again, but do you really want to be in a relationship with someone who lies so easily and does not respect you enough to make you a partner in his life?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2009
Fri, 08-07-2009 - 5:15pm

thanks to everyone for your insightful responses.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2007
Sun, 08-16-2009 - 12:57am

Ennui00, I was wondering if you would tell us if your H told you about the upcoming family event you referred to.

Of course I'm asking because I recently found that my H has not been honest with me about something significant.

I may start another thread on this topic, because it is really troubling me.

So, did your H tell you about the upcoming family event?
Did you have to confront him about it before he told you?

I wish you well, whatever the outcome.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2009
Mon, 08-17-2009 - 9:33am

Choseone - He didn't tell me that weekend. I gave him every opportunity and he didn't. Then that Monday, he emailed me some info about it, as if he had just learned it. I got all warm and fuzzy because I was included; then I remembered the point of the whole thing: that he still kept it from me and censored a lot of it!


It keeps going. I check the phone log, and the other day I saw a fairly long call from a number on there I didn't recognize. So, I checked the number and it was for a home improvement contractor. Then a few days later I got a voicemail from the same number

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2009
Mon, 08-17-2009 - 2:42pm
I just wanted to say ennui that I see your dilemma here. That once you bring it all up, that he will know you are watching him,
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