After 4 years am again in need of advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2007
After 4 years am again in need of advice
Sat, 07-23-2011 - 5:11pm

This board helped me tremendously four years ago when I found out about H EA/PA.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Sat, 07-23-2011 - 9:11pm
Well if he paid for it I'd be concerned cause that means he's doing MORE than just looking around on it. I would just tell him you saw him close out the screen quickly when you walked into the room and red flags went up and your gut told you something was up, so you snooped. I would absolutely confront him if I were you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2008
Mon, 07-25-2011 - 9:46am

well obviously he is WAY out of line and not into rebuilding like you thought

you need to treat him as expendable and let him know he is because he is totally taking you for granted

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2010
Wed, 07-27-2011 - 10:48am

I am so sorry that you have to go through this mess again! UGH! The fact that you are struggling to confront your H tells me that you and him have not developed a M of O&H (100% open and honesty). After an A, during the rebuilding process it is essential that your lives be an open book to each other. Your M has to become an atmosphere of trust but verify. When I found out about my H and his escapades, I made it mandatory that NOTHING be hidden from me again and every now and then I still check up on him. I am a very trustworhy and I thought my H was for almost two decades before his A but I realize that I can't live blindly in our M depending that he is going to always be truthful which was sad for me at first but it makes us communicate more.

Buy a gps and put spyware on his computer and find out what else he is up to. Also, work on communicating with each other about everything and don't be afraid to express your concerns. Don't allow him to gaslight you. Stand up for yourself.

We became empty nesters last year also, and I made it clear to my H that I will become a single woman before I put up with cheating. We have been M for twenty years and

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-21-2011
Wed, 07-27-2011 - 4:22pm
OMG - I can only imagine the anguish you must be feeling right now. I agree with 'peace' -- just let him know that it was his reaction when closing that computer screen so fast that caused your gut feeling (that stabbing in the gut feeling the cheaters just don't seem to understand) which put you into "spy-mode" (I prefer that over snooping - lol).
Unfortunately in my situation, it was once we became 'empty-nesters' that my DH started feeling his need to wander. I guess I (we?) spent so many years pouring ourselves into the children and all of their activities, although he rarely attended practices, competitions, parent meetings, etc....that we had drifted our separate ways -- doing our 'own things' if you will. After 24 years of marriage....I thought we were 'in a good place'. Although I trusted him implicitly to go out with friends, riding his motorbike, grabbing a couple beers, listening to music....I NEVER suspected that he would ever cross that line. But he did -- with a girl 1/2 my age, and barely older than our oldest daughter!! Now he has actually killed any and all trust that I ever had....and has not made much effort at all to rebuild it. My D-Day was 12/28/2010 -- and I am exhausted!! still!!! I just do not know how much longer I can do this; and to think that you are going through this emotional rollercoaster of pain again, 4 years later....I certainly feel for you!
Hopefully -- the empty-nester syndrome will not have the same affect on your marriage as it did on mine. Sending (((HUGS))) your way! Please keep us posted.
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Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Wed, 07-27-2011 - 5:31pm



iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Sun, 07-31-2011 - 3:09am

I agree.


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2008
Mon, 08-01-2011 - 6:09am

I am so sorry for your delimma.

Your post caught my attention because it's been almost 4 years for me too.

I too had a bit of a gut-stabbing experience today. My H is out of town this weekend, and I found out from his email that he was on a chat site. Not as bad as an adult dating site (or 2) IMHO, but still it's something that I have specifically talked to him about and told him I feel it's cheating. He doesn't completely agree with me, because he feels it's anonymous and there's no chance for a meet, but he had agreed to not do it anyway.

So I get your delimma: how do you bring this stuff up after so long. Does it even matter? Do they just decide it's not cheating in their mind and so they just nod and say "sorry" and then do it again whenever they feel like it? I really don't know.

I'm sure in my H mind, it's partly if not mostly my fault, because I haven't been very "warm" to him lately - just dealing with the same issues of trust and self-esteem. We have sex, but it's not all he wants it to be, and I think he feels that if he's not getting what he wants from me, he can go to a "safe" alternative like chatting.

I guess I'm not being very helpful with the advice, but I want to tell you that I'm sorry for this rude surprise especially since things have been going well for you.

Good luck in whatever you decide to do about this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2011
Fri, 08-26-2011 - 12:06am

My D Day was Oct 2007 and just like you I recently had an intuition about something he had lied about and hid from me.