Aha Moment

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2008
Aha Moment
21
Thu, 04-30-2009 - 5:21pm

Last night I went out with a friend who is having trouble in her marriage of a different sort, although the roots of our Hs problems appear to be much the same - selfishness, inability to identify or confront that which bothers them, inability to change or get out of bad situations, fear of aging...

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2006
In reply to: chijd
Thu, 04-30-2009 - 6:50pm

The thing for me is, I gave my H that sort of unconditional love our whole M (21 years at the time of the A), however, I obviously did not receive the same in return, hence the A. On DDay, I was more concerned for my H’s Soul, as he had a major surgery imminent, than I was for my own pain.


I was a good W. We had a good M. What did I get for all my efforts, he has an A, and, even though he said he ended the A prior to DDay (so no fence sitting), he treated me terribly for months with trickle truth, angry denials, and lying about the details.


My H’s behavior has changed my personal POV permanently. He has improved dramatically, however, I have had to fight him every step of the way so that he could attain that personal growth. We still have issues about the way he treats me when I trigger at times, even when I approach him in a calm, non accusing way, and only express my feelings of discomfort like I am supposed to. He has exhausted me, and his A jaded me about love, M and sex. My love is no longer unconditional, he had 1 chance for that and blew it. Now, my love is quite conditional, if he has another A, he WILL be out of my life. I will not suffer through rebuilding twice.


Oh, and no one in my life has ever hurt me as deeply as my H has. I have dropped long term friendships due to my being taken for granted, far less than what my H did to me. My H is lucky I am still hanging in there with him. I have a hair trigger defense mechanism, that I withdraw when I am deeply hurt. I do not stay where I perceive I am not wanted, and what says that more completely than a spouse’s A.


I do see your point, maybe I just need to become a better Christian person myself, and turn the other cheek. But I am tired of my H’s angry, combative behavior, now due to guilt, and I want peace in my life. A peace that I am still not getting consistently while we are together. After all, I am the one who did nothing wrong, yet I still feel like I am paying the price. This has exhausted me. Personally, I am tired and I want to know when I get a free pass, for awhile, to be imperfect. Maybe that is why I still am not at a point where I can be that magnanimous.


MLB

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2008
In reply to: chijd
Thu, 04-30-2009 - 8:12pm

Oh, MLB, I echo your feelings 100%!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2009
In reply to: chijd
Thu, 04-30-2009 - 8:50pm

the worst thing he could have possibly done to me short of murder


I have to say this is a very interesting discussion and I do see both what you are saying and what MLB45 says as completely valid.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2006
In reply to: chijd
Thu, 04-30-2009 - 10:52pm

I know what you are saying too, and I bounce from pillar to post myself. I think that I am stinging from a particular problem that has been brought up by the recent trigger I mentioned, and my H’s reaction. My H has had extreme difficulty showing empathy to me throughout this process. Both myself and our C have told him, numerous times, the way he needs to behave to help me, but instead, he seems to want to kick me when I am down. If he loves me so darned much as he says he does now, and he does show me in many other ways, WHY can’t he show me empathy? The C and I were discussing this in my last session and I read him part of a post about remorse vs guilt. We all feel that is the issue, but we have been working on this since DDay mid August 2006. When the heck is my H going to just DO what he is supposed to, rather than apologizing after a huge fight and admitting he still has to work on it?


In my mind, this is our last, biggest hurdle. Sometimes I think my H is a fight looking for an excuse to happen, no matter how well I behave. Also, I am sitting right at the anniversary date of when the A started 3 years ago. I don’t really even think about the anniversary much anymore, I was great through March, we had a lovely 24th wedding anniversary, but when April started, the dark clouds rolled in, even though I was no longer dwelling on it.


I am trying not to be bitter either, and I am also working with our C to improve my current outlook on love, sex, and M. It is frustrating though, that many days when I am with my H, I face an internal battle between my kind, loving, forgiving self, and my instinct to withdraw for self preservation. So, while I have forgiven him and I try not to show any more anger or resentment over the A itself, I am still pissed that he couldn’t be rational when I expressed that I was uncomfortable that his 40 minute trip home from work one Friday night took 1 1/2 hours instead. He called me early in the trip, to inform me of the detours, but that usually only adds 10 minutes or so. He never called me about the accidents and traffic back up after that. It makes me uncomfortable, because he used to meet the OW after work and blame traffic. Of course, I would feel uncomfortable, anyone would under those circumstances, and instead of getting angry, like I have done in the past, I did what our C recommended. I tried to find ways to confirm his story, and when I couldn’t, I gently mentioned my discomfort. We had what I thought was a good, calm discussion, so I went to bed. A half hour later, he’s getting his pillows out of our room, going into the guest room and slamming doors the whole time...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2009
In reply to: chijd
Thu, 04-30-2009 - 11:17pm
I'm sorry for the problems of everyone on here. This may be a little off subject as
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2008
In reply to: chijd
Fri, 05-01-2009 - 12:42am

MLB, I'm sorry your H is being so difficult, and I'm glad he's getting professional help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2008
In reply to: chijd
Fri, 05-01-2009 - 8:15am

Wow, what a great thread..and very interseting points made. One common thing I read is we all still remain "confused", up and down, positive and negative, forgiving, yet not forgiving. MLB45- the fact that your Dday was in 2006 and you are still in counseling is impressive. I mean that your H is still willing to talk things through? Did I understand correctly? And chijd..I really can relate to your words as well. Great post and I will liook for more comments. I can really relate to your words. We try so hard to forgive, we realize we are human and mistakes are made, yet then we still remain so hurt by the one we loved

S
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2006
In reply to: chijd
Fri, 05-01-2009 - 9:28am

Dear Chijd,


I think the point you are making in this thread is precisely what initiates forgiveness and allows us to remain M in a situation we once insisted would be a deal breaker.


I am not trying to make this a debate as we are all in this together, but I think the back and forth we are having now, is very similar to the debate we all face in our own heads on a regular basis. I just happen to be in a negative space right now, you in the positive. That is why it is called the rebuilding roller coaster. Like you make the allowance that you may turn negative at any given moment, I too know that things will be more positive for me at some point, hopefully soon.


You can stop making the point that the A was not about the betrayed and that we cannot take it personally... I am more than aware of that, as I have become more educated than many experts on the subject of infidelity in the past 2+ years. I am in a bad place now due to the continued poor choices my H is making in regards to how he treats me when I trigger. He has never been tolerant of it, and in the beginning, I could give him the benefit of the doubt based on ignorance of my needs, or the emotions being too close to the surface, but no more. As I mentioned in the first paragraph of my response to you, my H is well aware now of what he needs to do to help me, as he has been told many times by our C as well as myself. The problem is, this is a now choice for him to NOT do what he knows is right to help me. And THAT, I do take somewhat personally. The A, my H really and truly had no idea of how completely devastating the potential fallout, I could have never guessed it myself, as we were both very sheltered and ignorant on the subject. I would have realized however, that the end result could not be good. He probably knew it too, somewhere in the back of his selfish, muddled brain, but he was such a mess at the time, and in such a downward spiral of self loathing and self pity, he either ignored it or didn’t care.


He currently knows quite well what his behavior needs to be, and he is well aware of the damage it does to myself and our M when he chooses to behave badly. He either can’t or won’t choose to do the right thing, even armed with that knowledge, and that is why I am angry and questioning rebuilding. On the other hand, I feel I am making progress. The last time I triggered in December, I was not calm or nice about it. I waited a week, as we were on the way to visit his Mom in another state when it happened, with all three of our sons on the trip, and that was neither the time or the place to confront the issue. But when we got home, confront I did. LOL

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2009
In reply to: chijd
Fri, 05-01-2009 - 11:16am
Im in this with all of you, one moment you are confident, happy & glad that you are rebuilding the next a trigger sets off a stream of flashbacks that make you angry, resentful & as a result you might end up arguing with your H, which only makes you feel worse. Its a rollercoaster.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2009
In reply to: chijd
Fri, 05-01-2009 - 12:04pm
So much wisdom and experience in this thread.

"If something cannot go on forever, it will stop."  Herb Stein

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