Am I being unreasonable?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2006
Am I being unreasonable?
11
Sun, 04-09-2006 - 9:29pm
It's been almost 3 weeks since d-day and I haven't and won't speak to my H over the phone or in person. We communicate via text messages and email and only because we have a 14 month old. I am so angry and hurt and I guess not ready to face the truth. I know he had an A, I know the OW but I know nothing else. Part of me doesn't want to know more. I suspect it started when I was pregnant but OW says it started 6 months ago ( she emailed me to apologize but she left her boyfriend 6 months ago so I think she's covering her own ass). Do I want to know all the details. I feel like the less I know the better it will be to put it all behind me and move on.........without him. We have an appt to see a therapist in 2 weeks and I'm not sure what to do? Should I ask all the questions going through my head...how many times did they have sex, where, when did it start etc? Or should I see what he has to say and go from there. This is so difficult. I feel like moving on without the details is the best way to go but I think I may go crazy wondering! Any suggestions?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2006
Mon, 04-10-2006 - 12:15am

I think you have the right to know the details...

I made my husband start answering the horrendous questions immediately after I found out, and I think it has done me SO much good. I know what the other woman DID and DID NOT take from me, and it has actually helped my relationship with my husband. It has been almost two months since I found out and there are still questions that pop in my head on occasion, but I think getting most of it out in the open immediately has been healthy. My suggestion is to tell your husband that you have questions, and you NEED him to answer them, no matter how much it will hurt either (or both) of you. Please give it a try, but stay calm while he answers you.

Best wishes to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2006
Mon, 04-10-2006 - 7:35am
Thanks for the advice. I started listing all my questions and I guess I'll wait until we meet with the therapist to ask them. I changed all the locks in the house so I won't allow him here so maybe the safest place will be in front of a professional who can help guide us both into the right direction. Did you feel like your husband was telling the truth when he confessed everything? I have a hard time believing that after lying for 16 months that he can honestly begin to tell the truth. Is that bad? I know I need to trust again but currently he and the OW are still buisness partners so it makes it hard to even want to talk to him. Thanks a lot and good luck and happy healing with your H.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 04-10-2006 - 8:18am

I think you have to make a list of what you really need to know to help you move forward. For example, do you want to know if they had sex? But do you need to know all the details? My H denied sex (although I never believed that) but for me, it was enough to know that he was at least emotionally involved with another woman. I'm glad I didn't have a lot of details because those mental pictures would be in my head until this day, almost 5 years later. There are some good articles on the BSSG website, one about a puzzle. That would be good to copy and give to your H--I'll see if I can provide a link. Lily

PS http://members.tripod.com/betrayed_spouses-ivil/id38.html




Edited 4/10/2006 8:22 am ET by lovemydog2500
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2006
Mon, 04-10-2006 - 10:21am

It is true that "the eyes are the windows to the soul," meaning someone CANNOT lie to you with direct eye contact. What I do when I want to make SURE I am getting a straight answer from my husband (or my kids, or anyone else) is this: I make him sit down in a chair, and I pull another chair right in front of him so I can sit in it and eye contact is unavoidable. This may be something you can do at the therapist's office. My husband never hesitates when I ask him a question, and I feel like he has answered all of my questions honestly. This is a particularly effective technique for finding out what you want to know. If your husband is lying, he will look up to his right (accessing the "creative" side of the brain). He may also scratch his nose or his ear. He may cross his legs. All of these are tell-tale subconscious acts that indicate he is not being truthful. Sitting him directly in front of you so eye contact is imminent eliminates most, if not all, of the untruths. When your questions are answered, you will be hurt deeply, but I believe knowing specifics is an important part of the healing process. I truly wish you all the best in your healing.

Take care,
Shanna

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2006
Mon, 04-10-2006 - 10:22am
Thanks for the website. I'll be checking that out as soon as I send this. I do know that sex was involved and I do know that my H and the OW "thought they were in love" so you can imagine the images already going through my head. Did you and your H go to therapy? How long before you started trusting him again? I am just so not there yet. I can't even think about him. I have already moved every piece of furniture in this house, taken down all photos of him and pretty much moved on ...physically but not emotionally. It;s so damn hard! Thanks again:)
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 04-10-2006 - 10:32am
I'm a lot older, married much longer (30+ years) than most of the posters here so my situation is a little different. We weren't in counseling a great deal of time, but the time we were was well spent since our therapist (a psychologist) was able to direct my H in how he looked at things and how he reacted. Also, I left for a short while which really woke up my H as to what he stood to lose. The last A (he's had 3 that I know of) was almost 5 years ago. Yes, I trust him...but our situation has changed a lot in that he is now retired and around a lot more, less temptation. I also KNOW in my heart that I would leave for good next time--this wonderful support board has made me a much stronger person. I would also say, that even though I trust him about 99% my "antennae" will always be quivering if something seems off-kilter to me. Lily
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2006
Mon, 04-10-2006 - 1:38pm
Thanks for the adive. I think I'm almost ready to get it all into the open and I think doing it with the therapist present will be a huge help. I will keep my eye out for those signs. They sound helpful! Thanks a bunch. This website has been great. It's nice to get advice from people who are in my shoes and not just my sister who is just as devistated over this as I am:)
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2006
Mon, 04-10-2006 - 1:46pm

You're very welcome! It really is nice to have others to talk to about these things. Sometimes family can be helpful, but they can also be your worst enemy (like mine telling me I'm STUPID for sticking around with someone they've never even MET). I'm glad those signs seem helpful, and I wish you the best. Only you can decide what is best.

Take care,
Shanna

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2006
Mon, 04-10-2006 - 7:40pm
You have to do what you think is right. Great idea listing questions and waiting for the therapist. Sometimes when my husband & I weren't getting along I would wish he would have an affair so I could have an excuse to leave. ISn't that messed up? Anyway, I thought it would be an automatic dealbreaker for me, simple black and white. It may still be, b/c even after a year & A half knowing, I wonder often if we will split up b/c I don't want to deal with what goes on in my mind. But, the truth is we get along a lot better and I have learned a lot about how to treat people going through this horrible nightmare. Bottom line, I don't know where we will end up, together or apart, but I have grown as aperson and that is what life is about. Sounds cliche, but it is true.
I know you will do the right thing for you and a therapist will probably help you decide what you want.
Best wishes to you, you will be fine! Email me if I can help.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2006
Mon, 04-10-2006 - 9:14pm

You have been betrayed in the worst way and it's totally normal for you to wonder about the details of your H's infidelity. I also have a 14-month old and unfortunately my H cheated on me too. I threw him out (he's still out 3 months later) and we're in MC now. I asked him everything that came to mind (and I still do when things occur to me). My therapist said it was totally normal to have this need to know everything and that eventually it will subside. I still don't know that I do know EVERYTHING, but I wouldn't even know if I did. Betrayal is deceitful. Rebuilding my trust in my H is going to be incredibly difficlut, but we're making progress.

My advice...ask away. If you don't ask now, while it's still fresh, you may wonder later but refrain from bringing it up because things might be "better." I would get everything out on the table. It will be pretty tough to listen to, but sadly enough it may give you some peace in that you won't be driving yourself crazy with the questions.

Your therapist should be able to guide you through this process. Whether you end up staying with your H or not, you have every right to have your questions answered.

Good luck to you! I know how hard this is, especially with a 14-month old who is wondering where daddy is. My daughter is what keeps me going. Hang in there, take care of yourself and be strong for your wonderful baby!

Hugs,
Maddie

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