Am I crazy to feel like this?
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|Tue, 11-24-2009 - 1:56pm|
DD was March 2009. He moved out for 10 days. He had a major change of heart and came back. We recommitted and with our pastor's counseling, we've made great strides. There was, for lack of a better term, a "honeymoon period" after we reconciled when we were both so happy to be together and have another chance. We acted "in love." This was the predominant mood of our R from mid-April to late August.
The timing of this is important b/c school started up and I started seeing OW at school functions. H got a promotion at work about this same time and our together time has been cut dramatically. He hates his job but also knows he's lucky to have a job at all right now. Our area is significantly affected by layoffs. So my self esteem is waning b/c I'm seeing her and old thoughts are brought up. He and I aren't able to spend quiet time together on a consistent basis b/c of his job. Our lives got really hectic in August and I feel our R has suffered. I asked him to go with me to talk to our pastor a couple weeks ago and he agreed, b/c he knew it was important to me, not b/c he thought we "needed it." Our pastor was not surprised that I'm/We're struggling b/c we've not made the M a priority. We have to keep our date nights (haven't in several months) and we have to make the effort to take a walk and talk together several times a week. We were doing that during the summer and stuff would just roll out of me and we talked so much easier then. So I KNOW and H KNOWS that we have to prioritize our M and yet nothing has changed since seeing our pastor.
Our sex life has suffered and I feel he is repulsed by me. I always initiate and during our honeymoon period the passion was mutual.
One day last week I felt like a switch had been flipped and I didn't care anymore if he wanted me and it was a bit freeing to not care. I'm so tired of feeling like I can't make any long-range plans for fear that he'll leave me or change his mind and want a D after all. Nothing he has done or said indicates this, but I feel like I was caught off guard once, I'm not going to be surprised again. This is no way to live! Where is my self esteem? I constantly think that if we split up no one else would have me. I am not ugly but I feel so unattractive and that I have nothing to give. I actually run through scenarios in my head of asking for a D and being on my own just to escape the pain. I obsess about what he's thinking about me and our M all the time. If I don't get a call from him when I think I should I start thinking I'm a burden to him and he dreads calling me and then 10 minutes later I WILL get a call and he just then got away for lunch. And I know his work schedule is crazy. So why do I automatically assume the worst when I don't hear from him? How do I build myself back up?
Some days I just feel like I'm losing it.