Am I crazy to feel like this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Am I crazy to feel like this?
16
Tue, 11-24-2009 - 1:56pm

DD was March 2009. He moved out for 10 days. He had a major change of heart and came back. We recommitted and with our pastor's counseling, we've made great strides. There was, for lack of a better term, a "honeymoon period" after we reconciled when we were both so happy to be together and have another chance. We acted "in love." This was the predominant mood of our R from mid-April to late August.

The timing of this is important b/c school started up and I started seeing OW at school functions. H got a promotion at work about this same time and our together time has been cut dramatically. He hates his job but also knows he's lucky to have a job at all right now. Our area is significantly affected by layoffs. So my self esteem is waning b/c I'm seeing her and old thoughts are brought up. He and I aren't able to spend quiet time together on a consistent basis b/c of his job. Our lives got really hectic in August and I feel our R has suffered. I asked him to go with me to talk to our pastor a couple weeks ago and he agreed, b/c he knew it was important to me, not b/c he thought we "needed it." Our pastor was not surprised that I'm/We're struggling b/c we've not made the M a priority. We have to keep our date nights (haven't in several months) and we have to make the effort to take a walk and talk together several times a week. We were doing that during the summer and stuff would just roll out of me and we talked so much easier then. So I KNOW and H KNOWS that we have to prioritize our M and yet nothing has changed since seeing our pastor.

Our sex life has suffered and I feel he is repulsed by me. I always initiate and during our honeymoon period the passion was mutual.

One day last week I felt like a switch had been flipped and I didn't care anymore if he wanted me and it was a bit freeing to not care. I'm so tired of feeling like I can't make any long-range plans for fear that he'll leave me or change his mind and want a D after all. Nothing he has done or said indicates this, but I feel like I was caught off guard once, I'm not going to be surprised again. This is no way to live! Where is my self esteem? I constantly think that if we split up no one else would have me. I am not ugly but I feel so unattractive and that I have nothing to give. I actually run through scenarios in my head of asking for a D and being on my own just to escape the pain. I obsess about what he's thinking about me and our M all the time. If I don't get a call from him when I think I should I start thinking I'm a burden to him and he dreads calling me and then 10 minutes later I WILL get a call and he just then got away for lunch. And I know his work schedule is crazy. So why do I automatically assume the worst when I don't hear from him? How do I build myself back up?

Some days I just feel like I'm losing it.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2008
Tue, 11-24-2009 - 2:06pm
no you are not crazy - or maybe I am too
I constantly keep it in my face so to speak as I go about my days so I cannot get complacent
this is the truth of our lives right now and it should not be forgotten
I feel ugly all the time as a result always looking for my flaws
my libido dropped drastically
I think I have to always be ready to let him go as that is all that has kept him on his toes so far
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2009
Mon, 11-30-2009 - 8:12pm

D-Day was July 2009 for me, and it seems like I haven't lived a day yet where I don't obsess about every worst case scenario every time my H does/doesn't do something I didn't/did expect. My guard is constantly up and it is a great source of anxiety/stress.

We had been in MC since May. In July, he called me, sobbing, and told me he had done something terrible. I found him at home sobbing uncontrollably where he told me about his A with a co-worker. The sad part is, I knew all along, but never had the guts to confront him. After that, we also had a "honeymoon" period through about the middle of August, when I found that he had been emailing the OW still using a secret email account things like "I'll be there soon beautiful. Good morning beautiful. Today will be a great day." Sadly, our MC had us stop coming right before I found the email because things seemed to be going so well in our R. Things cooled off for a couple weeks after that. But, we talked through it on our own and things started to return back to the "honeymoon" state, until I found out he was still text messaging her. The text messaging combined with that email have put me in the place I am now. He acts sincerely sorry every time I have talked to him about what has happened. However, he will not talk about his current interactions with her because he claims it makes him uncomfortable, so I'm left with my imagination, which is obviously making up the worst possible scenarios. But it was after the text messaging that I had that similar feeling to yours of not really caring if he wanted to stick around. It was kind of like a weight lifting from my shoulders. I have also run through the scenarios of what it would be like to get a D and just leave. I struggle with which pain would be more, continuing to stay here in a M that is causing anxiety that I'm not sure how to get over or leaving and losing the person I love most in the world. This is my first post to this message board, so I'm hoping I might find some insight through the experiences of others to help guide me through this. Most days I do alright with the A, but days like today make me feel like I'm losing it too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2007
Mon, 11-30-2009 - 8:36pm
HI mel - i am soo sorry that you have found yourself here - but since you have - WELCOME!! u came to the right place... we all have different stories, but our pain is all the same... You said DDay was July - really that was only less then 5 months ago... I know that so well b/c July was when my son was born!! ( he is almost 5 months- wow!) anyways, there are so many emotions that u r going through.. and you are allowed to feel them.. I always found the hardest thing to digest was that we still loved the person that betrayed us in the worst possible way.. how many times did we have conversations with friends growing up "if my partner was to ever cheat on me i'd be gone" and here you are staying.. there is so much inner turmoil.. but if you are planning on rebuilding there is a lot of work involved. There are many people here on this amazing site that have successfully rebuilt after one, two and even three Affairs..keep reading lots of posts, post whenever you have questions, we are here for you...
are you still going for MC? does your H get the pain that he has caused, is he an open book, is he sorry for what he has done;not just sorry he got caught....
My STBX had his first A while we were engaged, after 2 years of rebuilding, STBX has his 2nd A while i was 8 months pregnant.. he left me when the Little one was 8 weeks old - he told me he was sick of living with someone who didnt trust him!! (like he deserved my trust) anyhow i tell you that b/c i did both, stayed and left - and both are hard.. but take some time, and just know you deserve someone who is going to be faithful, someone who loves you and ONLY YOU!!!! Good luck... xo Nicole
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2009
Wed, 12-02-2009 - 1:32pm
Thank you for the uplifting thoughts.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2008
Wed, 12-02-2009 - 3:30pm

Here is the list of the "180" items that is frequently mentioned in this and other forums. It is NOT a guideline to getting your spouse back or waking him/her up from Affair Fantasyland. Rather, it's a way to gain your own control and stop make the BS and his/her A the center of your life. Not every point will pertain to every situation. Lily
Fence Sitters PDF Print E-mail
fence sitting

Fence sitting, cake eating, call it what you will, it can often cause the betrayed spouse more pain than the revelation of the affair itself.

So, what can you do to knock him off that damn fence? Another option is "doing a 180". This approach was put together by Michelle Weiner-Davis in her Divorce Busting books. Essentially it is a combination of both Plan A and Plan B.

Weiner-Davis puts together a list of do's and donts for those dealing with a fog filled spouse which include;

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say "I Love You".
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show her someone she would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don't be overly enthusiastic.
23. Do not argue about how she feels (it only makes their feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because she is hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.

The logic of this approach lies in the all too often fact that the wayward spouse feels the betrayed spouse are a "given" in their lives and that they (the wayward spouse) are the arbiter of whether the marriage survives (after all, it is all about them). By pulling back, by getting on with your own life and disengaging from the wayward spouse, you tempt them to follow you and away from the Other Person. Kind of like twitching a piece of string in front of a kitten and getting them to follow it across the room. The benefit for the betrayed spouse, even if the marriage does not survive is that both Plan B and the 180 help rebuild self esteem and self reliance which will stand you in good stead regardless.

References:

Divorce Busting by Michele Weiner Davis

His Needs Her Needs by Willard Harley and Jennifer Chalmers

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2007
Wed, 12-02-2009 - 3:48pm

Mel you need to figure out what want and then go for it.. but it doesnt seem like you are the type of woman that can just sit there and let her husband run around with another woman... and i dont blame you.. and you deserve better!! Why are you settling, do you not think you deserve better then to always wonder where is he and what he is doing?

My STBX always wanted me to just "get over it", "move on", he would say he was sorry and then think we would be honky dorey!! I couldnt let it be, it consumed me, I developed anxiety over wondering where he was and what he was doing..It became a terrible existence for me...

You want a H that loves and respects you; you want a H that believes in the vows he took when you married eachother, you want a H that is going to cherish you, tell YOU that you are beautiful and that he cant wait to see you....

Sounds like he is fence sitting/ cake eating.. he has his wife at home, and OW at work... it is time to bring him back to reality. Let him know straight up what is acceptable.. and if he doesnt like him then maybe he needs a wake up call..dont settle for second best...

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2009
Mon, 12-07-2009 - 6:42pm
You're right, I don't typically settle for second best or to be made a fool of. This is the worst experience I've ever had. Nothing could even come close. I've confronted him many times about not contacting the OW and have tried to explain the anxiety that builds inside me when I don't know what's going on. The worst part is the anxiety. I find my mind wandering constantly to what he's doing or if he's talking to her. Most of the time it leads to an anxiety attack where feel like I have to do something to find out what he's up to on my own since he's not forthcoming. My biggest fear is that these anxiety attacks are really truly unfounded and that I'll drive him away with my signs of mistrust. My next biggest fear is that I will find something that points to the continuation of the A and that I'll have to leave. Example, this morning my H left on a business trip for the week. I guess that combined with his continued high number of text messages sent me over the edge and I called to check his usage shortly after he left. I've continued to track the number of text messages he sends and receives off and on since September, I can't tell who they're to just the number of them. Turns out, he had just sent a text message at 5:45 this morning. I couldn't think of one person that he could possibly be worried about texting first thing in the morning other than the OW, so I took an hour or so to cool down and contemplate then called him because the thought of it was still eating me up inside. I asked him who he texted and he said his friend Travis asked if we were going to the football bowl game and he was just responding. I explained that I was experiencing a lot of anxiety and I asked him why he continues to not tell me about the OW and his necessary dealings with her and he said he's just trying to put it past him and forget about it, that it was embarrassing and wrong and talking about it embarrasses him more. He told me I have nothing to worry about and that he loves me. He was at work and getting ready to leave on his trip, so I let it be with him. But I text messaged Travis' wife and asked her to help me by finding out if my H's story checked out. Travis' W knows our whole story, so I'm hoping she will be kind enough to put me out of my misery tonight. Keeping my fingers crossed that my H actually did send Travis a text.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2008
Mon, 12-07-2009 - 7:48pm
Hi
I can go online to the cell bill click on the number and put a name in for the numbers he is calling and texting
He helped me identify the ones I was unsure of
you may have this option
good luck
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2007
Mon, 12-07-2009 - 10:00pm

Mel i can feel your anxiety through your message.... i hope that your friends wife can give you comfort and confirm that the message was in fact to Travis... g-d i hope so....
but mel - your anxiety and living like this is not healthy and not fair to you.... i lived it... i lived it for 4 years -- i get it...i get how you feel... i also developed terrible anxiety, the panic attacks, the waiting, the wondering.. uuchh what a way to live....
i have to say that all that has gone since stbx and i separated... b/c its no longer my problem, let it be someone else's....

the truth is you need him to confirm that he had stopped all contact with OW! has this happened?? do you know that he is done with her?
i remember stbx went on a business trip 4 days after DDAY#2 - OMG the anxiety i felt on that trip... but he was as good as he could be, checked in all the time, texted me all the time, emailed me pictures of who he was with, called me when he went back to the hotel before he went to sleep.. etc etc.. (after this trip he told me that he didn't want to live like that, he wanted to go on a trip without having to checkin)... he just didn't want to do the work at showing me he was really sorry....
anyways... you need to figure out what you want.. do you want a life with a man that you always have to wait until if and when he cheats again...it is really hard to move forward, but i know how hard it is to leave also...
dont let him know that you are tracking his texts.. he will just find other ways to contact OW if he wants to....
trust your gut.. you need your H to make you feel safe in your marriage.... keep posting.. xo Nicole

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2008
Tue, 12-08-2009 - 1:05am

I am really getting how you feel. I went through the same thing after I gave my H a second chance. He begged on his knees for me to take him back and this was after me going through two ddays (same OW). I finally gave in and took him back BUT..just like your H, my H for some reason just could not go NC with the skank.


Just like you I would finally feel like he was over her, then out of the blue, I see a text, VM, ect. I knew the PA was over in my gut, but the EA lived on for awhile.


I hate to say it but the red flags are there, it seems your H is still at least in an EA with the OW. Now you need to decide on what you will do if you see any more evidence. You need to give your H an ultimatum and be prepared to stick with it. You might also want to do the "180" for awhile as it may suit your present situation. You H is doing the classic "fencesitting". He seems to still be in the "fog" evidenced by those email "cant wait to see you, you are beautful, ect.


For now, I know it will be hard, but for now you need to act as if you think he is done with her. Now that he knows

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