Am I really expecting too much?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2008
Am I really expecting too much?
5
Sun, 09-06-2009 - 3:30pm

So, I found out 4 months ago that my DH had an emotional affair and some physical contact & drug use with an employee. Back then, I confronted him & threatened to kick him out of our house. He swore there was nothing else going on and he truly loved me. He fired her a month later because she was truly an awful employee.

For the past 4 months she has been playing games. Calling, texting, stopping by the business every once in awhile. Finally, I told him to text her to stop calling & texting maybe she wasn't fully clear on his feelings. What happens a week later? She calls the business to ask about recommendations for a restaurant (I happened to be there). I have told him I feel like I cannot fully move on with rebuilding if she continues the games. I feel just when I get my barings I get knocked down again.

We had a talk last night. He said he feels ignoring her and treating her like nothing big will make it go away. Also, you shouldn't have to over analyze a marriage you should just "let it be". He says he knows it will take time to make things better and is willing to let me look @ his phone for texts. He says he is willing to do what I ask of him. Although it seems not very enthusiastic to me. I just feel like it's not enough. Then he said that's my problem I let my emotions get in the way. I feel like he is just going along with what I say. He is seeing a Therapist and Psychiatrist because he was also diagnosed with Bipolar. Maybe it's his meds, the pressure of his business but I feel like he's passionless and doing the minimum (although he says it's not true). We are still intimate with each other and he has asked me to come to the business so I can be more involved with his life. I have accused him of wanting her in his life because she is still there. I feel very conflicted I want to work through all this. I just don't know if I really believe him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2009
Mon, 09-07-2009 - 10:27am

I think it's normal to be conflicted in this situation.

"If something cannot go on forever, it will stop."  Herb Stein

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2009
Tue, 09-08-2009 - 12:09am

Well, err, yeah, sometimes they do that, they don't give up easily and continue to call, email, text, whatever.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Tue, 09-08-2009 - 12:16am
He could block her calls/e-mails/etc.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2009
Tue, 09-08-2009 - 12:20am
Hi Myra, how are you feeling?
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 09-09-2009 - 11:22am

I do agree that ignoring is the best thing to do - giving her any attention, even negative, is what she wants.