Am I TRYING to be a hypocrite???

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2009
Am I TRYING to be a hypocrite???
9
Sun, 11-01-2009 - 1:39pm

We are over two years past d-day, and we are both working (yes, H is Really working, now) on rebuilding.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Sun, 11-01-2009 - 3:15pm

As my best friend is forever saying "oh my God, we're peas in a pod".

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2009
Mon, 11-02-2009 - 12:42am

Thanks myradorn, for all you wrote...


Unfortunately, no, I'm not awfulizing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Mon, 11-02-2009 - 10:44pm

Oh yeah, I get you.

 

Avatar for pater_familia
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008
Tue, 11-03-2009 - 12:30am

"I have no respect or admiration for him, during that time.."

As appose to what? Who could have admiration for a spouse during an affair. And what sort of person would that be?

Ecclesiastes 1:18 "For in much wisdom is much grief: and he that increaseth knowledge increaseth sorrow."

My spouse is totally pissed off at our pastor right now. He's abusing me at the moment. She just wants him to behave and somehow she things that "talking sense" to him will change him.

I'm just like "HELLO POT, IT'S KETTLE! YOUR FREAKING BLACK!

ugh!

I sat there for a year wishing she could understand that anyone who would talk a married woman into going to a hotel, then freaking her brains out all night then sending her home to her family and then to continue doing this for another six weeks, isn't a "decent person."

He is/was an indecent man!

I still think I was talking sense. But at the time, she couldn't hear me. I'm not sure she can hear me now about this topic. She thinks the other man is a victim of his loneliness because of his pending divorce or some bullcrap concoction in her brain. But she thinks she can go talk "sense" into our pastor who also simply isn't going to get it. He's a lost cause and an abuser. What in "nine months" of talking to him, pouring our hearts out to him, then have him piss all over us did she miss??

You said: "I have to try to learn to 'get past it'... or 'accept it', at some level. And, that isn't something I'm thrilled about doing! "

Here is the problem as I see it. You didn't ask for this problem, it got handed to you. You don't live in a world with time machines, memory wipes or magic spells. We live in this he(( someone handed us. You can do three things. Go running into the woods, check out, or run to the he(( and tackle it head on and kick it's a$$.

There are plenty of folks on this list that have done the first two. The ones that did the third are the folks that really find something in the end. By doing this you are not overlooking what he did, your not a hypocrite, your not a looser. YOU are a heroin because you will be doing something that other folks cowered out of doing. Grabbing your spouse by the scruff of his neck and dragging him into the daylight, dusting him off, giving him a good slap and telling him, "You got something special right here, so WAKE UP! SHAPE UP! or get out! is nothing to sneeze at.

I know what you went through. I've been there! I did the obsessing, the mind movies, the wait-loss, the weeks of not sleeping. Remember waking up thinking "Thank God it was only a dream!" only to have that sinking feeling return to remind you that it wasn't "just a dream?" Yeah, we all remember that.

I do not think you are just giving over, making due, a hypocrite. You are a hero. My oath you are.

Thomas

5 kids ages 16-10, D Day: August, 2008

What I'm doing to rebuild: Therapy, Books, Exercise, Forgiveness.




Edited 11/3/2009 2:14 pm ET by pater_familia

Thomas

We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
Tue, 11-03-2009 - 1:30pm

Myradom and Ties,


I SO identify with both of you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2009
Wed, 11-04-2009 - 12:58am

Thanks myradorn, I do feel like you 'get me'... and that's one thing that

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2009
Wed, 11-04-2009 - 1:18am

pater,


Wow.

Avatar for pater_familia
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008
Wed, 11-04-2009 - 2:01am

"The actual work is in the staying in there. Staying IN the moments, painful as they are... trying to make it... fighting to make it... WITH the knowledge, and pain, and uncertainty right there... not pushed away somewhere. Not ignored."

Someone on this list invited me to do this in a very tangible way. And it worked for me. So much so that I almost drove my spouse crazy wanting to invite in the painful stuff.

Like driving with my spouse right to the OM's trailer where they slept together. I'm sure she was terrified on several levels. For all she knew, I was going to stop the car and knock on his door and say something like: "yo, what up? I'm Thomas, you know my spouse ... biblically speaking that is ... can I come in??"

But seriously, facing my worst fears directly made them fade much much faster. I'm curious if others have had this experience?

Thomas.

Thomas

We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2006
Wed, 11-04-2009 - 10:58am

I definitely remember somebody saying reclaim your places...your songs...your whatever, and it makes a big difference.