another affair after 2 yrs.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2009
another affair after 2 yrs.
38
Thu, 03-12-2009 - 8:44am
I just found out that my H has been trying to extricate himself from another affair. i told him I want a divorce and he begged me to give him a chance,that he knows he's been horrid. I told him he has to commit to 6 mo at least of weekly therapy and be completely transparent. He agreed.He says it's his own vulnerabilities that caused this again and he wants to change- that I've been a perfect wife. Do I give him another chance? I'm going to my therapist today. We had a very happy marriage for 22 yrs and 5 yrs ago after his father died he became depressed and started his 1st affair. I feel that he's basically a good person ,but is terribly troubled and has low self esteem. i could sure use some advice.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2008
Thu, 03-12-2009 - 9:34am

I am so sorry you are going through this. I cannot imagine going through a second A experience with my H. I think I almost died the first time.


Only you can decide if you want to stay. I know for me, my bags are mentally packed and if my H has another A he and I will be divorced. His betrayal nine months ago has left me with my hand on the "go" button and I am so ready to call it quits if he even thinks about it again. Unfortunately I have even been thinking about being single again and raising my son alone. I have actually invisioned being alone a lot lately. My H is really trying but I think somewhere down deep inside of me I have prepared myself for divorce. I used to love my H with every ounce of my soul but now even though I love him it is with conditions -- that he never cheat again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 03-12-2009 - 10:57am

I think your H is on the right track - he has to end ALL contact with the OW, be truly sorry about what he did and accept full responsbility.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2009
Thu, 03-12-2009 - 11:54am
Thank you so much for all your support. My heart has been ripped out again, but I feel strong and have set limitations on his behavior which he has agreed to. My therapist made a great point- she said that the continual lying and then to come back and beg for forgiveness is a form of emotional abuse.That put it all in perspective for me and made me realize that I have to be firm about my demands and boundaries w/him. He starts therapy tomorrow and will go 2x week if necessary.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Thu, 03-12-2009 - 2:47pm
Well were there any agreements made after the first affair? Did you specifically tell him that you will not tolerate this ever happening again? That he will not get a second chance if it happens again. If so I would leave because he knew how strongly you felt about this and still chose to ignore your feelings and selfishly do it again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-12-2009 - 2:55pm

Oh Lizzie I am so sorry! You've been such an inspiration to me, I'm sure your heart does feel like it's been ripped out again.


I agree that having him commit to the personal therapy is a good idea. If it's a personal shortcoming that leads him into these affairs the only way to correct that is for HIM to get to the bottom of his problems.


I will keep you in my prayers.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2009
Thu, 03-12-2009 - 4:17pm

So sorry you have to go through this.


Did he go to therapy after the first affair?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2009
Thu, 03-12-2009 - 5:33pm

I told him to leave for a month so I can have some space- this is what my therapist said to do. He did have therapy initially ,but not enough and he wasn't honest w/the therapist. I think he worked thru some of his problems but obviously not all. This time I told him 6 mo. of therapy(at least) every week or 2x wk. or I'm definitely done w/the marriage.

He hasn't had a recent crisis. He says he met this other woman 2 yrs. ago when we just started therapy and he was still angry and he got sucked in. He said he tried to break it off as our relationship improved, but she threatened to expose him so he was scared. My therapist says he's lying and I believe her. She's been right about everything from the beginning.

My therapist says this is a form of emotional abuse and I told him so. That's why I said he has to leave.

I am so devastated, but my therapist says I will recover much more quickly this time(with or without him). She just doesn't know if our marriage will work out yet.

Thank you all for your prayers- it helps ease the pain.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2009
Thu, 03-12-2009 - 5:43pm
Thank you julee. I hope it is a personal shortcoming that can be fixed in therapy especially now that the stakes are so high w/him losing everything. For the 1st time he might be totally honest w/the therapist.. I do see a difference in his remorse this time. He is not defensive at all and says he will do anything to keep our marriage together. Now he is starting to read some books on infidelity when before he wouldn't at all. I think since I kicked him out,he knows I mean business. For the 1st time we are sleeping in separate bedrooms. I can't even sit w/him at dinner tonight. I can't wait until he's gone on Sunday.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2006
Thu, 03-12-2009 - 11:06pm

i try not to give advice per say. i have been married for 31 years this month TO A SERIAL CHEATER with every one of them he had an excuse, with all of them he swore never again, with all of them he would let a little time pass and then - he was as it again.

all too often men speak words, they say the words they think we want to hear - but quite frankly there is no feelings behind those words. no integrity, no honor, no truth. they are words only. they do not get it, and that is the bad sign - they have no empathy. its an affair, she meant nothing, it meant nothing, i don't know why i did it? i am sorry it is all bs.

now there are men who do have empathy - but based on the posts i have read here over the past 3 years they are far and few between.

please read as many posts as possible, it will give you insight as to how men think, and what they do BUT MOST OF ALL IT WILL OPEN YOUR EYES TO WHAT THEY ARE CAPABLE OF.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2009
Fri, 03-13-2009 - 7:29am
Thank you planin. I am trying to figure out how to be alone again b/c I don't expect this marriage to work out.I don't want to be stupid and live the rest of my life like this ,so I'll see what happens, but I've got one foot out the door already and he knows this.He is pretty unglued, but we'll see if he can put his words into action. He knows I'm not giving an inch and he knows I've already done all I can do . I've got a fantastic therapist who gives me the strength to keep going. I feel OK today. I'm a pretty independent person and I have great friends and family for support. He has nobody.

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