Another question for everybody

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Another question for everybody
27
Sat, 08-29-2009 - 12:18pm

If you are rebuilding or trying to, is there something in particular that seemed to help you believe your cheating partner is sincere about never cheating again?

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2008
Sat, 08-29-2009 - 1:19pm

Sadly, I am not at the point of knowing without a doubt that he would never stray again. I am quite positive that he would never get deeply involved in a full blown A again. He knows I would find out and that would be the end, period!


If he would have been able to end the A cleanly without ever looking back then I would feel more secure that his torch for OW has blown out. Knowing that OW would be willing to have a one nighter at his beck and call does not help either.


Three years ago I went on a road trip with my 3 sisters who live in three different states and we had a wonderful time. That was when I had no idea that the A had resumed, that was when I was in trust mode after dday#1. It makes my heart hurt that if I were to ever go on another trip like that and he bumped into OW while I was away, it is very likely that a fling would start up. He always had that "what she doesnt know wont hurt" mentality.


I am feeling quite sure that he really wants to be here with me and that he is not out there flirting anymore hoping that one of the targets will take the bait. He knows that is what lead to the destruction of all that we once were.


One day I might feel safe again going away alone to see the sisters. Good thing I live in a vacation destination and that the family would rather visit here anyway.


Good post Myra

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2007
Sat, 08-29-2009 - 4:46pm

Myadorn,


My husband avoids being near or around women now. A

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2009
Sat, 08-29-2009 - 8:35pm
Well Myra, this is how it is with me.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2008
Mon, 09-07-2009 - 3:11am

I hear what you are saying about how the A's would have continued if you hadn't found out. That is one thing I'll never completely wrap my head around; it was the finding out that changed things. I think we wish that somehow the WS would have come to a decision to change, but really I think that's extremely rare. It is that they HAVE to change to save the marriage and so we feel that maybe they were pressured into it and therefor the decision may not be sincere.

I know I wouldn't cheat on my H for two reasons. 1) I made the decision to not look around as soon as we were engaged, and for 23 years there is only once or twice I noticed anyone flirting around with me because either it was obvious I wasn't looking or I didn't notice because I wasn't looking. 2) I set up clear boundaries about being alone with guys (I'm not), becoming close friends with guys (I'm not), sharing information about my relationship with guys (I don't), etc.

I say all that because the reason I am slowly, but surely gaining trust in my H is because I see him making these same decisions and setting up these same boundaries now. Before he thought he could be just friends with women, but since d-day has realized that he has to set his boundaries very strictly just like I did so he doesn't end up down the wrong path. I think he is still working on the first thing (not looking around) on some level. I think that is a tougher one for guys; he likes variety and I'm only one woman, so I think that's a decision he is still coming to terms with. He does tell me that I'm the only woman he wants and the only woman he needs. It's hard to really believe it in my heart though after he was with other women over the years; I think it will take hearing it many, many times before I truly believe it, but he's working on it!

Thanks for your post.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Wed, 09-09-2009 - 10:54pm
I feel the same way....if my DH ran into his bluegrass "friend", I think it could easily just get started all over again, after all he WAS totally willing to leave me in the dust to be with her, and that says it all.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Wed, 09-09-2009 - 11:00pm

I truly don't know how much mine avoids contact with other women.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Wed, 09-09-2009 - 11:06pm
Same here, very much so.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Wed, 09-09-2009 - 11:11pm
Ditto!

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2008
Fri, 09-11-2009 - 1:05am

Oh you are so right! I think we get ticked off

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Sat, 09-12-2009 - 8:04pm
Yes, it makes perfect sense.

 

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