It is still a struggle to get a sincere apology...is this common?
Oh, they just have to hang on to justifying it somehow, admitting it is part of apologizing.
Thank you for your wise words, our histories
I haven't been posting much for awhile now, but DH is out of town for a few days, so I'm on "vacation" at the moment and just feel like checking out the boards today.
I love the quote on your responses...put a copy of it on my fridge. I too, have 36 years into my relationship/marriage. I have been dealing with his A for 9 months...found out only 1 month into it...even though he is soing the right things, it has been gradual change...he finally took her name out of his phone 2-3 months ago and says they mutually agreed to not communicate. I still don't trust, check things and imagine things and have meltdowns sometimes, but it is getting better. He has said that he knows he messed up and loves me and regrets having done this to me to himself and to her. One thing I have not gotten from him is the reassurance that he can't live without me and that nothing is worth losing me ...he said it, but I still don't feel it and I am not sure if I ever will.
Finding out about her ...he has a past with her also, as a teenage and an an affair 20 years ago...that I did not know about also...has shattered my image of what we were for all these years...I know now that I have not been the ONLY one true love for him as he has been for me. He has not abused me through the years, but has often been difficult to live with, but I just have loved him so and felt that our lives were intertwined by destiny...so does he, but it did not stop him from seeking out her when things got rough in the marriage and he hit a low point in his life.
One thing I know is that our relationship can never be the same...in so many ways it is better and we are finding each other again in agood way, but I want to be able to look at us in a new light without thinking about what spurred it...without tinking about things I found out....I have to get past it in order to find me again. Through the couseling and the meds, I have gotten a grip on many things, but still have a long way to go and I am so afraid that we will not be able to weather it...that he will not be able to tolerate looking at me and seeing the hurt he caused anymore and that I will not be able to deal with the insecirities and trust issues this caused. I just want peace and to feel secure in his love and faithfulness again.
Need more than apologies to heal...I just
Did I understand that your D had A several years ago and then another in the fall?
I can relate to the grieving process...it is like dealing with a death in some ways...the relationship/marriage you had for so your whole life is dead...the only way to move on is to create a new one, but we still grieve for the one gone even though it was not perfect, it was...for me ...one of total trust that I never in a million years would have believed could be shattered.
I hope you will focus on health issues and make yourself strong. My knowlege of the A could not have come at a worse time...I had a lot of stress from my job and other things in my life, our relationship was falling into pieces...we were barely talking except to argue, I was 50 lbs overweight and not very healthy. When I found out, the first thing I did was to make an appointment with couselor...never had been to one in my life, but knew I had to talk to someone and there was no one else I could tell. He said I needed to take care of myself and be strong and focus on things I could control and try to stay focused...that was a daily battle! I went for some long overdue health screenings and lo and behold , as if I did not need more stress, I had some test results that lead to a biopsy for cancer...turned out to be nothing to worry about, but put me through 4 weeks of more hell. I literally could not eat and started using exercise to keepthe anxiety in check, so the weight came off quickly and other health issues got better and I started to feel physically stronger. Emotionally and mentally, I was still a basket case though, despite counseling...about March, I started on meds which have helped a lot with no side effects, but they do not make the situation go away and I still have anxiety attacks. Because the A were out of our control, I think it is important to take control of what we can....our health is one of those things.
It sound like you are at a point where you are ready to make descisions that you have not considered yet...please share your thoughts. Your situation sounds so much like mine ... it is a different thing when the relationship has been a lifetime.
If the only person I care about is myself and how each situation and experience effects my actions, why would I apologize?
The only reason to apologize to another person is for comfort, to state that although hurt or pain was a result of an action, it was not the intention.. because we don't want to see another person hurt - and certainly not by our own hand.
Sounds like maybe H is a little self-centered? Just a thought