Are All Men Cheaters?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2004
Are All Men Cheaters?
12
Fri, 01-20-2006 - 5:27pm
I found out my bf cheated on me back in July, but I still think about it every day. Also since I know what she looks like, (she was a mutual friend of ours-or should I say a pretend friend who was just trying to get in his pants?)I still picture it every day and it makes me sick. We are trying to work things out but I really don't know if I can get past this. I don't feel like I can ever really trust him again. So now I don't know if I'm just wasting my time trying to work things out with him. I feel like all men cheat. Look at all of us on the board. We've all been cheated on. What would be the point of ending this relationship and moving on to another if the same thing will happen again? I don't want to be alone, but I would rather be alone than wonder if whatever man I'm with is cheating on me all the time.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2006
Fri, 01-20-2006 - 6:32pm
honestly i agree with you. every "man" so to speak, that i have dated has cheated on me. i think it is just in their nature. They do it, and then use the "compartmentalization" theory as an excuse. Pardon me if i sound bitter, but i am, my situation is very similar to yours and i am at the same place you are, i don't know whether it is worth staying with someone if i can't really believe that i will ever be able to move beyo`nd it enough so that i don't make us both miserable.
Also, i have only really seen a couple of men on here, not saying that a lot of women don't cheat, we do, but look at how many of us women have been cheated on and look how similar a lot of our stories are. Maybe it is just b/c most men have a hard time expressing their feelings and that is why only a few have actually been on here. but then again, isn't that a lot of the problem in relationships? communication?
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2004
Sat, 01-21-2006 - 8:04am

I will admit I have a cynical attitude to. But I would even say that alot of women are doing it to, so it's not just men. But yes I have changed my thoughts as I have experienced and I learned that IMO "most" men will cheat or be abusive in some way and I should never trust EVER BLINDLY again. I no longer believe in good men. Only because I had one *I shouldn't say had* because he still is a good man but tainted;) anyways when someone wants to brag about someone else's husband I am rolling my eyes in my head because I KNOW there is no such thing.

With that said do I believe these men that we think won't cheat are a bad person. NO, I do not I still believe they are good people and they the cheater can recover.

In fact I just started reading "surviving an affair" and in that book the author (a counselor) stated that he learned that ANYONE could cheat under the right circumstances.
It also stated that most first time marriage are affected by affairs.

So in giving your BF another chance my mother attitude says run, if you have no children RUN. BUT can you have a better relationship yes you can. WATCH him do all the work FIRST. Let's see how he fixes this to see if he does deserve another chance. If he is interested in counseling and getting answers for his behavior than "maybe" but otherwise if you are pushing him to be a better person than my advice is to run. Hug, Tea

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2005
Sat, 01-21-2006 - 9:49pm

Not all men cheat. I hold out hope that its the person with the problem, not bc of their gender.

I know what you mean about building up trust. Trust does get rebuilt with great effort and time. Really what we're doing is building a NEW relationship while mourning the past one. Thats tough! Look at the posts from people 3+ years out. They remember but its different to them. Its not this overwelming thing in their lives like we're experiencing now.

Hang in there.
hugs,
hannah

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2006
Sun, 01-22-2006 - 8:08am

Yes, I think they do too. EVERY married woman that I know has had to endure their H cheating on them. My mother, sister, girlfriend, sister-in-laws...all of us are in the same boat. I'm in my second M, to a man all of us thought would never cheat. He has had 5 affairs over the last 3 years during our 7 year marriage! My first marriage ended because of an affair. After my first marriage, I swore I would NEVER marry again. I believed all men were cheaters. My current H somehow convinced me that All men were not cheaters. He had never cheated in a relationship before....so he says, and I believe he hadn't. But he has now, many times.

I won't say ALL men cheat. I like to hope there are a couple who would never cheat. However, ALL the married men I know have cheated. I read that 70-80% of men cheat and 50-60% of married women cheat. Those numbers are very high for both genders.

It is extremely hard to get past the mistrust and painful feelings of betrayal. I don't know if I'm staying or leaving. I hurt too much to decide now. If I do leave, I will not marry again. I'm sure I would "date" again, but I would not ever completely trust another man with my whole heart. What's left of it.

I know I'm bitter, but I can't ignore the facts. If not all, most of them do cheat. Like you, I was surprised to find out how many. The women on here reflect every age and every level of marriage. Women who have been married for 1 year to 31 years are going through this crap. It is a fact, not a feeling. It happens a lot, more than we can ignore. Don't fool yourself to think you can spend the rest of your life without love, you will fall in love again. You will trust again, but don't be like me and think this one won't cheat. Don't go into any relationship blindly.

Maybe your bf is the one to keep, now that you know what to look for. There are many on these boards who state they have rebuilt better relationships afterwards. There is hope!

However, if you are not married, have no children, RUN as fast as you can and don't look back!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2004
Mon, 01-23-2006 - 11:17am
It is so disheartening to hear that so many other women have had to go through this too. I remember after I found out about my bf's cheating every couple I saw together that looked happy, I would think to myself, he's either cheating on her now or he has before and she just doesn't know it yet. So I think to myself, what are my options? Either stay with my bf and hope and pray that he never does it again (especially since the first time almost destroyed me), or break up with him and just be alone. My bf has a friend that cheats on his gf all the time. They've been together for about 4 years, and she has no idea that he has ever cheated. She's even said that even if she found out that he cheated on her, she still wouldn't break up with him. When I ask her why not, she just says, "I don't know, I just wouldn't". I don't know how she could say that. The cheating is bad enough, not to mention who knows what diseases he could be getting from these other women and bringing home to her. They don't use condoms because she is on the pill. I hate him and can't even stand to be in the same room with him. He's even gotten one girl he cheated with pregnant and had to pay for her abortion. He tells his gf that he wants to marry her but I'm sure getting married won't stop his cheating. His gf works full time and goes to school to be a nurse, so he has plenty of time to cheat on her. It makes me sick.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2005
Tue, 01-24-2006 - 10:40pm
Sadly, I do not believe that cheating is a trait exclusive to men. My wife cheated on me in the past and I ended up cheating on her... The infidelities were a symptom of much deeper problems in our marriage, not the cause of the problems....
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2005
Wed, 01-25-2006 - 10:12am
No, but most are.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2005
Wed, 01-25-2006 - 12:28pm

I guess I'm in the minority...because I KNOW not all men cheat. My dad, for instance, has never cheated on my mom, nor any girlfriend he's ever had. He has high values and morals like many men who has slipped into cheating, but amazingly he was able to stick to them. My brother has never cheated, he's not the most moral person and he can be a jerk to his wife (they are in counseling) but he's never cheated. My sisters boyfriend has never cheated...which is good because her XH cheated nonstop. I know this doesn't mean there is no way they will ever, but so far they haven't and I think thats great.

I believe men and women probably cheat equally as much and I don't think everyone cheats. It's all individual to the person. I don't think it's right to make overgeneralizations that ALL men cheat, it really sucks for the good guys out there that would never do it.

Thats just my opinion though.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2004
Wed, 01-25-2006 - 12:55pm
Oh I know women cheat on men too, but I've heard a lot more women say they've been cheated on then men. Every woman I know has been cheated on at least once in her life.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Wed, 01-25-2006 - 2:07pm

No, not all men cheat. I have dated several men for a long long time (one seven years) that I know wouldn't look at another woman. Some men are completely happy with the woman that they are with and don't care to even think about anyone else. This doesn't mean they are perfect or without issues, but cheating isn't one of them.

Then there are men that cheat...

I'll never date another man who makes me feel in my gut that something is up. I know that.

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