Art and Rebuilding

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Registered: 09-12-2008
Art and Rebuilding
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Fri, 08-24-2012 - 2:00pm

In the weeks, months and even years after my spouse's A, some works of art had relevant impacts in our healing process. Apart from the self-help books we both worked through, we read read novels together on road trips, attended plays, and saw a few films that we felt either resonated with us, or triggered meaningful conversations. I don’t think they would have had nearly the impact on us had we note been in the middle of rebuilding our marriage from the brink. 

I thought I would share a few and in the process ask you if any works of art had impact on your rebuilding.

For us, there were:

Novels:

The Shack by William P. Young

No way this book would have meant anything to me had we not been in the middle of the conversation of forgives. This book might not work for others but both my spouse were raised in a religious tradition that allowed these characters to resonate with us without taking offense.  Didactic at times, but this came at a good moment for us.   

Plays:

The Fantasticks

We just stumbled into this play (also made into a movie). When the final lights went up, half the audience was in a state of shock or in tears, the other half walked out not having any clue what the play was about. Whoever wrote this play had to have been in a place like all of us are. Looking at your spouse after all the crap and saying, "I just lost somthing, and  I can't ever get it back. How do we move forward from here?" Stunning!

Music:

David Barnes, “Home”

Matt Nathanson, “Come and Get Higher”

These were healing songs that were new after my spouses A and only had relevance to us in our rebuilding. Music is really tricky and worth having a dialogue about. 

Movies:

Revolutionary Road

This film was a disaster to watch, and it would not be for the faint-of-heart, or for someon fresh from D-Day. I cried during the film (and I like to think of myself as a burly man's man.) and the film had really strong triggers.

BUT, the three hour conversation we had  in the lobby of the theater after the film (because we couldn't make it to the car), was a major dialogue in our healing process. I really tried to shut my mouth, listen, and accept what my spouse was telling me after the film. I felt I grew up a lot that day. This was a really hard film to possibly consider for those who are in an aggressive rebuilding period. 

Another Earth

A redemption film about a young girl who made a tragic mistake. In her attempt to repair that mistake, she only compounded the problem. It had an amazing ending and a few jaw dropping moments. Not about affairs. Worth a look, maybe two. 

Ruby Sparks 

In our immaturity, what if we could write into life what we think is the perfect spouse? What would that look like? This quirky, funny, and eventually dark film about relationships was smart, enjoyable, troubling and thought provoking. 

I would love to hear your thoughts. 

Tom

Thomas

We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-1999
Sat, 08-25-2012 - 7:57am
I think the song is called "won't let go" by Rascal Flatts. My h was in such a dark place during his A that it reminded me to hold on and him to know I wasn't going anywhere so we could start healing.

the other was a download of the rosary. Hail Marys get me through times of stress and fear. Included in this rosary was the song "gentle woman" ito
is just a very peaceful song amd puts me a good frame of mind.
Avatar for pater_familia
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Registered: 09-12-2008
Mon, 08-27-2012 - 11:37am

I hadn't found that one, thanks. My spouse and I are fans of Rascal Flatts but I hadn't purchased their last album. My spouse found the Keith Urban song "Hard Way" to sort of represent our hard work. I like it. 

I apreciate your words about the rosary. I looked up a youtube of Gentle Women and it seemed nice. I didn't have anything like that in my life. I sort of lost God in all this. I'm glad you found somthing that gives you comfort and provides peace. For me, I finally had to just write the words in ink on the inside of my left thumb, "NO TIME," to remind me that any time spent thinking about the OM was a waste of my pecious time and was bad for my soul.

Thomas

We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.

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Registered: 02-22-1999
Mon, 08-27-2012 - 9:23pm
They sang gentle woman at my moms funeral and I kind of turn to mary for additional support during this mess probably just because I can't turn to my mom. Either way it is a calming thing to go to sleep to. I have it on my phone and sometimes go to sleep to it. Great thought to just write that on your hand. As I say to anyone going through this do long as it isn't damaging whatever works is what works.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2012
Thu, 09-20-2012 - 8:05pm
Thanks again Pater for sharing these with us. Once again you post has given me something a bit on the bit side to look at. My H and I are having more deep heart to hearts although I sense we still have not only a lot to cover but some significate discoveries to make. Maybe one of these will inspire some of those talks. Thanks again!