Bad evening..

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2003
Bad evening..
Sat, 04-29-2006 - 11:32pm

I haven't been here in awhile but am still rebuilding w/ H
(7 months from d-day). Tonite is our date nite. We get
a sitter and go out to spend time together. Well, earlier
in the day a buddy of his was helping him bring in drywall
for our basement with the promise H gave him that they would
go out and get a couple beers afterwards. H had planned that
they would finish around 2 pm and still get back in time
for our date nite. Things took longer than expected. So
we had the alternate plan that he go out with his buddy
for a little while and I'd have fun and go shopping since
we did have a babysitter and then we'd meet up at around
8:30 to have dinner together and spend the rest of the
evening together. Here the worm turns. He calls me at 8:30
that he forgot the time and just ordered another beer.
I tried to let it roll off of me but was upset that he
didn't keep me the priority. I understood about keeping
his promise to his friend and especially since that friend
spent time and energy to help us out. No qualms there at all.
But that my H couldn't keep up with the time knowing this
is really OUR night together makes me angry. Also he showed
up at our house buzzed and talking funny. Great!@!!
And when I told him how that made me feel, he couldn't
simply validate how I felt and just apologize. Oh no-
let's try to defend his skin instead and twist my point
about not being the priority into stupid side arguments
such as "I didn't tell you I would call you 8:30" (he did say that
and did call, and I was waiting for him to finish up so we
could go out together). Needless to say, we did not go out
to eat but just circled the car and argued (I drove). And now he's
sleeping in the car out in the garage. Fun time this nite
has been. And it just snowballs in my mind - in rebuilding
you were going to make me feel like I and our marriage are
the priority. Something he did not show the last couple years
as I was pregnant with both our children and when he decided
to either hang with his friends or be unfaithful.

I just had to vent. There's no answer out there I think.
All this just sucks. I hate how this evening went. I hate
how my life is forever changed. I hate the word "rebuilding".
I hate that it's part of my vocabulary now. I hate wondering
if not everyday how he could have been unfaithful and betray me
and his kids. It's just all so poisonous and it seeps into everything
still. Sorry - hopefully things will be better tomorrow (or maybe
just one day in the future).


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2004
In reply to: storygrl
Sun, 04-30-2006 - 9:02am

I know it hurts to have the date night become less of a priority. You take it very personally, perhaps more personally than in the past because of the importance of your H showing you by his actions that you are the priority.

There is a part of me that understands the help of a friend in bringing the drywall in and then the reward of having a few and relaxing. An impromptu boys evening.

It's not great that your H got caught up in that, but I can understand it. I think it's just not a great time to discuss it when he comes home buzzed. It tends to escalate the issue and turn it into something it really wasn't. That is not meant in any way to minimize your very real (and understandable feelings).

Perhaps today is a better day to explain that while you understand the whole thing about having a couple of beers, that you feel that you were just not the priority and the following argument, and him sleeping in the car, was not the outcome you were trying to achieve. Tell him how you look forward to an evening all about you, and how his lack of planning and dedication to that plan makes you feel less valued.




iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2005
In reply to: storygrl
Mon, 05-01-2006 - 2:29pm

Mary - I'm sorry date night turned out to be fight night. I also hate that little things that didn't use to bother me are now tied to larger issues. I think you put it really well that its like a poison that seaps into everything. It won't always be like this though. If your marriage can survive these next few years and the two of you grow from this experience, chances are you'll make it through many years together. I hope you're having a better day today.


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2006
In reply to: storygrl
Mon, 05-01-2006 - 2:41pm
It will only get better when you find a peace within yourself, no matter what he says your feelings are what will make you realize you can try or not. Have you tried journaling your thoughts or even writing him a note about how you feel? Men seem to understand things more when they have to read it instead of listening to it. I drew alot of strength from God but otheres believe in counseling as well. Focus on you there are some good books out there that will help you communicate your quiestion toward him. Are you ready to be alone? Are you staying because your scared to start over?? GOOD LUCK!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2006
In reply to: storygrl
Tue, 05-02-2006 - 8:34pm
I'm sorry to hear about your situation, Mary. This whole thing called rebuilding is a very difficult process and unfortunately, sometimes it may not seem like it can possibly work. I too go through that every evening. It sounds like your H may be regressing and not addressing the situation that HE created? As you said, there are no easy answers here. It just is what it is...good, bad or ugly. Betrayal leaves the other person with issues for a very long time and unless the person who created the problem, recognizes what they did and take responsibility to fix it, one is just left with bulk of a problem that they should not have to work out on their own. I just wanted you to know that I feel for you and am hoping for your situation to turn out as you wish it to. God bless.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2003
In reply to: storygrl
Wed, 05-03-2006 - 8:59pm

Thank you ladies!

We did talk the next morning, and he did apologize.
Overall I've seen him working hard to earn my
faith back and to show how much he does appreciate
our kids. Based on his overall actions, I am willing
to stay and work this out. Yet, as you all know, when there's a low
spot, it seems that much more low b/c of the betrayal.
And as weary as you can be with dealing with these issues,
you have to pull up your bootstraps yet again.

One positive thing is that H called today at work
and said he had thought about me today and wanted
to apologize for everything he's put me through the
last couple years. I told him that meant a lot.
I do have hope for us mending. Just that long rocky
road getting there...

Good luck to us all - thank you again,