bad week, her e-mail to me, my reply??

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Registered: 09-05-2008
bad week, her e-mail to me, my reply??
7
Thu, 04-23-2009 - 12:54am

so first off i want to say that we're now "more OK".

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Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 04-23-2009 - 9:15am

I don't think in her "simple" way that she quite gets the damage she caused. Promising she won't do it again is like kissing the gaping wounds and broken bones she caused by throwing you in front of the bus, promising to never do it again and expecting you to heal without any further complaint. In the mean time you bleed to death in excruciating pain because of a lack of medical attention while she looks at you with disdain for having the balls to moan or complain or expect something further from her. Even after bandaging the wounds, it takes time to heal.

I was reading about concussions the other day and how they go completely untreated but can cause a disease that eventually ends in death. Often the person with the concussion doesn't even realize he has one and wants to go back in the game, which is the worst thing he can do. He and everyone else knows when he has broken an ankle and of course he get immediate medical attention and doesn't go back in the game until his Dr. says he can.

Us BS, we have the concussion type problem. No one can see it, so they don't know how serious it is and they expect us to pick ourselves up and get back in the game immediately. Everyone just wants us to get over it already.

It took me three years to get over an EA. Three years after the final Dday to get to the point where it did not affect my life. I might think about it, but it causes no pain 99% of the time. Even then, like a bad knee, I still very occasionally have hiccups. Like this week, DH has been distant because it is his busiest time of the semester. He has a 10 inch stack of papers to grade. I know this, buy my reaction is panic. I deal with it because I know it is me, he pulls his head out of his papers and helps me along, and I get over it pretty quickly. There are things that will always give me pain. But, I refuse to suffer.

So, she is just going to have to suck it up while you heal. She did this to you, and she needs to be patient with you. There is nothing she can do to speed this up and it is incredibly selfish of her to ask you to just get over. I know she didn't put it in those words, but the pressure is there.

I know you are doing your best to get beyond this. If you weren't she might have a point. There does come a time when you simply do have to choose to put it behind you, you have to choose to be happy. I think you are making that choice right now by dealing with all this as well as you have. Right now, you need her to give you the gift of time.

BTW, I would want more than a promise that she won't do it again, I would need definite change and some serious self-examination. I would want to know why she did it and I would need to see her take obvious steps to protect you and your M from such a thing ever happening again. Even then, when I saw a bus coming, I would stay well away from the curb.

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Registered: 11-16-2006
Thu, 04-23-2009 - 10:28am

Totally agree with Pamme.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008
Thu, 04-23-2009 - 10:40am

Thomas




Edited 4/24/2009 12:28 pm ET by pater_familia

Thomas

We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Fri, 04-24-2009 - 1:11am
This stuff really is day by day, no two days are just alike.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 04-24-2009 - 9:01am

The other part of this is that it hurts for her to see you hurt and doubly so because she knows she caused it. I think this was the hardest part for DH. He finally understood that I wasn't doing it to punish him and he got past his own pain to help me with mine. I know he just wished I would get over it so we could go back to what we used to be, but it took a long time to get over and we will never be what we used to be. I think he eventually surrendered to the fact that this wasn't just like one of our worst arguments that I got over pretty quickly. This was a heck of a lot more serious and would have a permanent impact on our M and lives. His refusal to accept this was a form of denial.

I think this is probably where she is coming from. She knows she made a mistake and she just wants to move on already. She is over it, why can't you be? I think she doesn't quite get it yet. It isn't just going to go away, it will always be there. You have been permanently damaged and need a lot of time to rehabilitate.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2008
Sun, 04-26-2009 - 4:14pm
(Apologize to All that this reply will be maybe non-stream of conciousness or not flow well.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008
Tue, 04-28-2009 - 5:28am

Thank you for the circle example. I've been thinking about that. DW and I were two circles that didn't touch. And yeah, for a while I just wanted those circles to be completely, just mushed together so tightly, that it was clearly overwhelming her. It's probably a little more health now.

Ok, I thought about what I was trying to say. (Yes it's 2:30 am, ugh!)

One of the things that worked for me was totally accepting what DW and OM did. It was really a painful thing to do but I carefully and purposely walked myself through every moment of the affair from the information I had gleaned. Every heart-wrenching moment. I tried to place myself in their shoes. I gave them every benefit of the doubt. Why they needed this, my role and contribution for making my spouse feel like this could be an option. I stood in front of his home where they slept together. I drove past where I think the hotel might have been. I've sucked in all the pain and owned it. I accepted it into my soul. I did my best to feel every shred of pain it could dish out. like you said, "I have more heart than this situation has hurt." I did all this and just cried my eyes out when I did it.

I did some of this with DW. I asked her to make-out with me on his street corner and she said nice things to me. She apologized right there. We ate lunch three blocks from his trailer. I took back her hometown and reclaimed it for myself again. She and I rode our bikes and made love in his canyon.

That was back in October ish... To poke the wound to see where If it had healed at all, I drove my new Motorbike past the trailer just a few weeks ago and filled up my gas tank at his gas station and there was considerable less pain. Not perfect, but way less.

My DR. told me that once I owned what she did. Completely owned it. That I would be able to let it go. All that said, I did get a lot of support from DW in this process and I talked to her about what I was trying to do. And yes, it freaked her out when we stood in front of his trailer. But that was part of the healing also. She got to own what she did to me. She got to feel what it meant to me to do what she did. I hear her saying all the time now, that it was the worst thing she ever did and it helps her to no longer think about the other man in fantasy terms. More in the "OMG what a mistake." terms.

I like to think that I'm a forgiving person. I can forgive someone who realizes they made a mistake. I struggle to forgive someone who wishes they were back in fantasyland. For DW to say this past weekend that she had no Idea what I was willing to go through for her and just how much I loved her. Helped me understand that she wants to work this out and leave him behind. She told me that she thinks about him less now than she did over the last 20 years. Progress!

---

TWO

There was one thing that really helps me pull out of my funk. I've told you this before. WE have a mantra. DW came up with this just before she told me about the OM. It was. "Tom, I love you and we are going to work this out."

I don't even know if she meant it when she started saying it. It was like a steely, firm, desperate phrase that we clung to and possibly only hoped for. When I got really bad that first day after D Day. I would call her every hour and ask her to say "the words." She must have said it dozens of times, every day for those first few weeks. I found myself saying the words back to her when she began to falter. On Sunday, we had a very hard moment and I found myself becoming unraveled on a non-affair issue. She put her hand on my shoulder and said "the words," and I found the strength to pull myself out of it. I know you two have your own phases. The next time she says something spontaneous that really makes you feel good. Ask her to write it down on a piece of paper and stick it in your wallet. Ask her to say it over and over again, tell her that when she sees you going into the funk. Say those words. Just a thought.

The quote in my wallet right now says, "Tom, Now is our chance to truly love each other, Wifey." Knowing this is in her heart. That these were her spontaneous and heartfelt words for me. I feel I can do this. I can let all that past go.

Ok, it's after 3:00 am. I am going to get some sleep. No more funk brother. Own it, accept it, feel it, and let it go. I believe what your spouse is saying. Now is the time to have a better marriage. Tons better than most people have. No way she would be doing this really painful stuff with you if she didn't love you. Turn that into something really powerful for those two kids. That's a hell of a gift for those kiddos. I can't even imagine what my home life would have been like if my folks had clung to each other in front of me like DW and I are desperately clinging to each other in front of our children. I'm sure your kids will have a hell of a great example growing up. Those really are lucky kids.

Thomas

5 kids ages 15-9, D Day: August 5, 2008

Status: Sorting Things Out.

Thomas

We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.