Banging my head against the wall

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2008
Banging my head against the wall
5
Sat, 10-22-2011 - 10:31pm

First I want to qualify this. There are a lot of good things about my H and our family and relationship. I don't want to villianize him, but the good things aren't what's bothering me, so with the limited time I have on the computer, I'm going to vent about the things that ARE bothering me.

I recently posted about what to do when I found my H had been flirting around with someone.

Well, in the end, it was all a bust. When I pressed the issue of him breaking all communication, he minimized it all ("I don't think she really likes me"; "I don't think she would really do anything since she's married" - I called bs on that one, since he had already told me she had been looking for some action, etc.) Then he practically ridiculed me for "obsessing about it all day". When I asked him if he would at least unfriend her on Facebook, he didn't want to because eventually she would find out and ask questions. This really upset me - I was hoping he cared enough about my strong feelings about this that at least he would make this concession. This has happened before with him not wanted to unfriend someone or take them out of his phone. It really makes me feel unimportant. Anyway, in the end he angrily said, "fine!" and unfriended her.

I know there is a decent chance I blew what had happened out of proportion, but after all I've been through I don't think anyone would blame me. I was hoping for a little compassion, concession, or at least an apology, but instead I got nothing but anger.

After all this I began to think: why bother to even bring any of this up ever? I thought that it was important to communicate my fears and worries, but I don't think my H really cares to hear about them, at least at this point.

So basically all I'm doing is giving him a heads-up that I know about a boundary that he overstepped, and I now realize that I don't want to be in the position of doing that. I have been policing his boundaries, when I need to let him do that himself. If he oversteps them too far (the thing I'm afraid of that I mistakenly think I can stop) then I have a decision to make at that time.

It's just maddening, because I thought we had made some headway on being honest with each other, and now I realize that there will never be complete honesty, just varying degrees of it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Sun, 10-23-2011 - 12:02am
NOW I can see the quick reply button, sheesh! Now that I can see your post AS I TYPE, I'll add I think he still needs work on those boundaries (I think the same about my DH, too). If this woman has already indicated she'd like to get more friendly with your husband, the very first thing the guy needs to do is block her, for crying out loud - what is he thinking? Just because they think they now have good boundaries doesn't mean they do - ask him what he MEANS by solid boundaries, in my DH's case he swears I have nothing to ever worry about again, that "my guard is so high nothing could ever get thru again", BUT if put to the test, he's never been able to explain what he even MEANS by that. You are not overreacting! He's recently been flirting around with her AND she wsa looking for some action? Uhmmm....what's wrong with this picture? There should be zero contact between them ever again as long as he lives. Duh!!! And I agree - I'm not sure any of us is truly fortunate enough to have total honesty, I think I'm learning this is my DH's weak spot in life and always was, my therapist has said twice now she doubts he'll ever be capable of completely stopping a lifelong problem. You know what I think? Certain little white lies don't bother me at all. Such as....if my friend loved her new haircut and I thought it was awful, I would never be the one to tell her it looks like crap on her. But if my DH ever runs into either OW? He @(&%^ better tell me about it. Yes, I think there are varying degrees of it, I experience those degrees all the time with my DH, some of the things this guy has done I am now able to "rate" 1-10, some I can SEE he did not truly mean any harm or intended to hurt me or us in any way, he was just being a total idiot. But.....others were genuinely damaging and much higher up that scale. My therapist and I are talking about that and I need her help with it. There are things that would be a 10 for sure, those cannot happen ever again....and our therapist tells me he IS aware of that. You two need to talk about this, you know that, you need to put in place some agreements on things that are okay and NOT okay from this point on, and then he has to honor his promises. Likely YOU will have your own promises to make there, too, but no doubt they won't be in that TOP TEN category! Post again, I can tell you're really upset.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-11-2000
Mon, 10-24-2011 - 1:06pm
redballoons99, I totally understand where u are coming from on this. My H and I have been having similar issues. I asked him to unfriend a woman on facebook, that I have always been uncomfortable with. She had written him a letter (years ago, before I even knew him) pretty much saying she had feelings for him. She is one of his friends wifes by the way. She also was texting him a lot, and made him a corset cake for his birthday. Her and her husband recently had marriage issues and they both deleted him from their facebook. Well she added him back and I am uncomfortable with it. I asked him to delete her and he has yet to do so. I also asked him to delete his facebook account which he said he would but never did.
I do not understand why, if they really want to work things out and really love us the way they say (or at least my H says), they aren't bending over backward trying to please us in everyway possible. I know if I had ever hurt him the way he has me I would do anything to gain his trust and love back. However, it seems I am the one putting in way more effort than he is. Which makes me wonder if he is telling me the truth and is really happy with me and really wants to be with me. We seem to make progress when we go to counseling but with the way he works its hard for us to go very often. Our next session is 31st and I am hoping to talk about this at it. Because I can't seem to get him to understand how I am feeling and when I try he gets mad. and I end up hurting more.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Fri, 10-28-2011 - 2:15am
The big problem here (and i also have this with my own H) is that men really resent being told what to do by anyone (and especially their wives) If I happen to see an e mail on my H's phone to a female co worker that seems a bit flirtatious (and tell him that) well right away he gets all pissed off and says his favorite line "You're just way too insecure" He will NEVER admit to anything and refuses to see my point of view on this. I think as we've said many times before on here that men don't think their doing anything wrong unless their sleeping with another woman. And I think for the most part any attention they get back from flirting with other women is just too much of an ego boost for them to give up. I think if he knows your uncomfortable with her on his facebook he should delete her. But then again they think you are just trying to control them. Seems like you can't win with this. Hopefully the counselor will have some kind of answers for you. GOOD LUCK.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2008
Fri, 10-28-2011 - 2:22pm

Red

you have been through far too much, all you can do in my opinion is draw your line and let him know that you will not tolerate any more crap, let him know that he is DAMN LUCKY to be with you and he is expendible

I tell my husband like it is all the time as I have to and I am sure it is ego crushing but I am not the one that puts ME in this position constantly - he knows where the door is and that I will open it for him and help him pack if he cannot give me dignity and respect

like yours my marriage has suffered muliple affairs and he admits to being an attention whore

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2008
Thu, 11-03-2011 - 11:31pm

Thank you all for the great responses. I'm sure I'll post more soon, but right now my head is swimming.

I did want to reply to the "respect" thing, because that really jumped out at me.

I have to admit that this will be a little hypocritical, because I'm having trouble respecting my H right now. I guess it's just hard after all that I know he did, but he deserves credit for the huge and sudden turn around. I also need to show him more respect for things he does well outside of all this betrayal/recovery stuff - but that's a whole other subject.

Anyway, I found out that he DID lie about what happened. Not in a huge way, but enough to really constitute a lie. And I guess I'm just sick, sick, SICK of being lied to. As far as I know, there has been very little lying since d-day, and only little things at that. So I'm kind of floored and wondering if this is a momentary relapse, a new awful phase, or something that's been going on that I don't realize. He has been running on the platform of "total honesty", so I pray it's not the later.

I just feel like the lying is so disrespectful. It's bad enough to know he was flirting around but to lie to my face on top of that just adds insult to injury.