Betrayed after 39 yrs of marriage...help

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2011
Betrayed after 39 yrs of marriage...help
17
Tue, 06-14-2011 - 7:30pm

My H and I have been married 39 yrs..I am 62 yrs and he is 60.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2011
Fri, 06-17-2011 - 9:58pm
Thanks ...It is really hard, everyday I say tomorrow will be better, but as soon as I wake up...its all still there. I try to give it up to God, but then I take it all back, I know it will take time
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2011
Sat, 06-18-2011 - 6:32pm
I just don't understand what a young girl wants with this old guy...even now he can't perform without viagra..her husband is young and very wealthy...my H is a huge penny pincher..its just mind boggling...taking him back is not an option..I would just like an apology and an explanation as to why he came back 2 times, just to go back...that will probably never happen
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Wed, 06-22-2011 - 12:08pm
'm so, so sorry that you are having to go through this pain. My exH had an affair after 20 yrs of marriage so understand the hurt and feelings of betrayal ( and downright MAD AS HELL feeling of wanting to beat him and her to a bloody pulp!) of putting so many years into a marriage and then having them pull something like this. Of feeling like so many years were wasted....but they were not! Everything you went through, all the events of your life during your marriage, your children and grandchildren~all of that was NOT wasted time. So don't look at it that way. First and foremost, you are not to blame in anyway. HE made the choice to do this, HE is the one with the character flaw. Regardless of what he may say, HE did this, nothing you ever did or didn't do caused him to do it. He will try to justify it in everyway possible by blaming you. DO NOT buy into his tactics. He did it, HE owes it. Sadly, he didn't 'try' to get out of the relationship. No one was holding a gun to his head; he did what he wanted to do because he wanted to. His saying he 'tried' is BS and an excuse. He doesn't want to look like the bad guy so he says he 'tried'. Secondly, you aren't stupid so please don't say that! You had a certain way of life for 39 years. You can't expect yourself to just turn off feelings you had for him at the flip of a switch. You were used to being with this man and had children and all those years together. But honey, he literally is NOT the man you married. He is a completely different person now. Think about it like this: If TODAY a man asked you to marry him who walked out on his loyal wife and family, started up an A with a twit 37 years younger than him, said his family meant nothing to him, acted like a total idiotic jerk with no morals at all~what would you say? You'd tell him to get lost so quick it would make his head spin!!! THAT is exactly who your STBX is. He has become someone who you wouldn't give the time of day to, much less love and spend 39 years with! I mean this~HE IS LITERALLY A DIFFERENT PERSON. Its not fair that he decided to change and become a moron but that's who he is now. It has only been a year and you're still in the process of divorce. Going through the divorce process is so trying and stressful. It causes you to relive it all over and over, especially when he is being such an idiot and if he's contesting terms. My divorce took over a year because he'd made a deal, I'd agree and he'd renege....over and over and over again. Plus, he jerked you around by coming back twice, making you think it was all going to work out. That is so cruel. But when they are in the affair fog, its all about them. He was in it then and he's still in it now. Its all about him and what he wants so listen to everything your attorney says: make lists of everything you acquired together during the marriage from the dishes to the real estate , don't think he will be fair; he won't. Protect yourself and your interests now. He has shown you exactly who he is and what he's made of now so BELIEVE HIM. When someone isn't treating you as you should be and they walk away, its a gift! I know how hard it is to accept that he's not the same person anymore, that he's capable of such abuse and callous behavior and downright cruelty. But honey, you've GOT to accept it for your own sake and sanity. Its not fair and its horrible that someone you love could treat you this way and be such a jackass after all those years and all you've done for him. But that's who he is now and you can't dwell on it or wish it wasn't so or wish that things were different. I know how hard that is to do. Lord, how I did for soooo long. I'm sure you have depression and post tramatic stress. If you aren't seeing a counselor now, please make an appt. with one ASAP! Also, work with your dr. on finding meds to help you cope. There will be those who say don't take the med route but they aren't in your shoes and sometimes we need them. Depression is common with divorce and it literally affects the chemical makeup and throws everything in your brain off kelter. If you need something for depression, get it and don't be afraid to ask for it! This relationship will never last. As Beth Moore said in one of her books, forbidden relationships never turn out well~NEVER. And she is so right. But please don't hang onto the hope that you and he will get back together. You MUST move on. If it is meant to be, he will truly change and feel remorse and God will work it all out. But you have to go on with your life without looking back and hoping he will change. I'm a Christian and the singlemost thing that helped me is my belief that God is in control of every situation in our lives. He doesn't cause the bad things but if He allows anything to touch our lives, He has a purpose for it and will use it for our GOOD> Romans 8:28. Like you I was absolutely devastated that my X did this to me and our DDs. I didn't think I would survive. What would I do? How could I work and support my DDs, one of whom is severely disabled and totally dependent on me for all of her care? How could he so callously drive us from our home knowing what it would do to the kids, especially our DD who is disabled? How could he be so cruel as to take everything from them? But once I finally accepted that he was not going to change, that he was NOT the man I married, and that God was in complete control of this all, I got better and also got ultimate peace. I turned it all over to God, everything~my life, my financial wellbeing, where we'd live, how we'd pay he bills, etc. And God did not abandon us. He worked it all out and we are well taken care of. I am a much happier person now that I'm divorced from my X, even though I thought I was happy with him. God has provided for us everything we need. I met a wonderful man. (My oldest daughter set us up and introduced us!) I have the kindest, most caring man who treats me as I should be and loves BOTH my daughters unconditionally. The Lord has returned everything to me I lost in the divorce. I absolutely promise you that it will get better. There will come a time when you will realize that you don't want him back and wouldn't go back to that life for a million dollars. You are still dealing with the hurt and betrayal and what you are feeling is valid. But it will get better. You have a wonderful family who loves you. Do your best to get out as often as possible to get your mind off this and stay busy doing what you love. Focus on YOU for a change. Don't focus on what he did or is doing. His world is about to come crashing down on him, sooner or later. You reap what you sow. But don't get preoccupied on revenge. Don't let him steal one more minute of your happiness. Take back control of your life and don't allow him to hurt you for more second! There is life after divorce and it just keeps getting better! God Bless! You'll be in my prayers! :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Wed, 06-22-2011 - 12:13pm

'm so, so sorry that you are having to go through this pain. My exH had an affair after 20 yrs of marriage so understand the hurt and feelings of betrayal ( and downright MAD AS HELL feeling of wanting to beat him and her to a bloody pulp!) of putting so many years into a marriage and then having them pull something like this. Of feeling like so many years were wasted....but they were not! Everything you went through, all the events of your life during your marriage, your children and grandchildren~all of that was NOT wasted time. So don't look at it that way. First and foremost, you are not to blame in anyway. HE made the choice to do this, HE is the one with the character flaw. Regardless of what he may say, HE did this, nothing you ever did or didn't do caused him to do it. He will try to justify it in everyway possible by blaming you. DO NOT buy into his tactics. He did it, HE owes it. Sadly, he didn't 'try' to get out of the relationship. No one was holding a gun to his head; he did what he wanted to do because he wanted to. His saying he 'tried' is BS and an excuse. He doesn't want to look like the bad guy so he says he 'tried'. Secondly, you aren't stupid so please don't say that! You had a certain way of life for 39 years. You can't expect yourself to just turn off feelings you had for him at the flip of a switch. You were used to being with this man and had children and all those years together. But honey, he literally is NOT the man you married. He is a completely different person now. Think about it like this: If TODAY a man asked you to marry him who walked out on his loyal wife and family, started up an A with a twit 37 years younger than him, said his family meant nothing to him, acted like a total idiotic jerk with no morals at all~what would you say? You'd tell him to get lost so quick it would make his head spin!!! THAT is exactly who your STBX is. He has become someone who you wouldn't give the time of day to, much less love and spend 39 years with! I mean this~HE IS LITERALLY A DIFFERENT PERSON. Its not fair that he decided to change and become a moron but that's who he is now. It has only been a year and you're still in the process of divorce. Going through the divorce process is so trying and stressful. It causes you to relive it all over and over, especially when he is being such an idiot and if he's contesting terms. My divorce took over a year because he'd made a deal, I'd agree and he'd renege....over and over and over again. Plus, he jerked you around by coming back twice, making you think it was all going to work out. That is so cruel. But when they are in the affair fog, its all about them. He was in it then and he's still in it now. Its all about him and what he wants so listen to everything your attorney says: make lists of everything you acquired together during the marriage from the dishes to the real estate , don't think he will be fair; he won't. Protect yourself and your interests now. He has shown you exactly who he is and what he's made of now so BELIEVE HIM. When someone isn't treating you as you should be and they walk away, its a gift! I know how hard it is to accept that he's not the same person anymore, that he's capable of such abuse and callous behavior and downright cruelty. But honey, you've GOT to accept it for your own sake and sanity. Its not fair and its horrible that someone you love could treat you this way and be such a jackass after all those years and all you've done for him. But that's who he is now and you can't dwell on it or wish it wasn't so or wish that things were different. I know how hard that is to do. Lord, how I did for soooo long. I'm sure you have depression and post tramatic stress. If you aren't seeing a counselor now, please make an appt. with one ASAP! Also, work with your dr. on finding meds to help you cope. There will be those who say don't take the med route but they aren't in your shoes and sometimes we need them. Depression is common with divorce and it literally affects the chemical makeup and throws everything in your brain off kelter. If you need something for depression, get it and don't be afraid to ask for it! This relationship will never last. As Beth Moore said in one of her books, forbidden relationships never turn out well~NEVER. And she is so right. But please don't hang onto the hope that you and he will get back together. You MUST move on. If it is meant to be, he will truly change and feel remorse and God will work it all out. But you have to go on with your life without looking back and hoping he will change. I'm a Christian and the singlemost thing that helped me is my belief that God is in control of every situation in our lives. He doesn't cause the bad things but if He allows anything to touch our lives, He has a purpose for it and will use it for our GOOD> Romans 8:28. Like you I was absolutely devastated that my X did this to me and our DDs. I didn't think I would survive. What would I do? How could I work and support my DDs, one of whom is severely disabled and totally dependent on me for all of her care? How could he so callously drive us from our home knowing what it would do to the kids, especially our DD who is disabled? How could he be so cruel as to take everything from them? But once I finally accepted that he was not going to change, that he was NOT the man I married, and that God was in complete control of this all, I got better and also got ultimate peace. I turned it all over to God, everything~my life, my financial wellbeing, where we'd live, how we'd pay he bills, etc. And God did not abandon us. He worked it all out and we are well taken care of. I am a much happier person now that I'm divorced from my X, even though I thought I was happy with him. God has provided for us everything we need. I met a wonderful man. (My oldest daughter set us up and introduced us!) I have the kindest, most caring man who treats me as I should be and loves BOTH my daughters unconditionally. The Lord has returned everything to me I lost in the divorce. I absolutely promise you that it will get better. There will come a time when you will realize that you don't want him back and wouldn't go back to that life for a million dollars. You are still dealing with the hurt and betrayal and what you are feeling is valid. But it will get better. You have a wonderful family who loves you. Do your best to get out as often as possible to get your mind off this and stay busy doing what you love. Focus on YOU for a change. Don't focus on what he did or is doing. His world is about to come crashing down on him, sooner or later. You reap what you sow. But don't get preoccupied on revenge. Don't let him steal one more minute of your happiness. Take back control of your life and don't allow him to hurt you for more second! There is life after divorce and it just keeps getting better! God Bless! You'll be in my prayers! :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2011
Fri, 06-24-2011 - 10:43pm
Thank you so much for taking the time to respond to my post...its good to hear from someone who has experienced this first hand. I am a christain woman and i am really trying to get through this through my faith. You are so right he is a completley different person, he is so deep in this other world that no one can reach him. I often think I wish i could be back to my life with him, but after all the things he has done, going back is not an option ...Im 62 and starting over is really hard.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Sat, 06-25-2011 - 2:31pm

You are so welcome.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2003
Sun, 06-26-2011 - 3:12pm
I'm sorry you are going through all this, at this point in your life. If I may add my two cents, I would have a face-to-face talk with him after being together for so many years. Look him in the eyes and ask him for honest answers (he owes you that much):

1. Are you truly happy now? Have you found what you've been looking for?
2. Is this who you really are? Is this how you want to be remembered by your kids & grandkids?
3. What did our marriage mean to you?
4. Is this how you want to live the rest of your life? Where do you see yourself in 10 years' time?
5. How do you know she loves you?
6. Can you honestly tell me that your family means nothing to you? Can you honestly say this to your children and grandchildren?
7. What happened to you?


I really think you know him better than he knows himself--he may not know how to ask for help in getting out of this situation he's in. I know there is so much underlying anger & sadness, but if you can ask these types of questions in a way that doesn't put your H on the defensive, maybe you will help him to "disconnect" from this infatuation & take a real moment to think about what he's doing. Maybe he's never had to articulate answers to these truthful questions before & just avoided them in the past.

Have you tried a family "intervention"?

Good luck to you,
J.

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