can you ever really get over it? (long!)

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2007
can you ever really get over it? (long!)
6
Wed, 06-09-2010 - 7:52pm
Hi All,
I posted on here shortly after my dday which was Jan 27 2009. All your thoughts and posts have been incredibly helpful for me over the past year and a half, thanks for sharing so much intimate and painful stuff. A recap, I posted on spouses support although we are not married, we have been dating for 11 years and living together for 5. He wants to get married but I am the one dragging my feet! Last january he had a ONS with a tramp at a bar (well according to him they didn't actually have sex but came pretty close.) Since d-day he has been doing everything right. He is sincerely penitent and willing to talk about it whenever I need to. He says that he did it out of low self esteem, even a tendency to self-sabotage, and had a drinking problem. He has been going to AA and has not had a drop since then, and has worked on a lot of his issues. He really is a much healthier, more stable, introspective and generous person. He has basically been kissing my a$$ for the last year and a half and has kept many promises, including complete transparency on phone, email, computer activity, and his whereabouts at all times. He really wants to make things work and move on the next step. We have not been going to counseling (really can't afford it, he is in grad school and not working) but we have our own "counseling" sessions where we set aside a few hours a week and read one of the getting over the affair books and have in depth talks. So my question is, after all this, I really don't know how to get over it. I am still hurt by it, and it hits me often at the times when I feel the best, like if we have a special night out or after sex. As soon as a feel I can trust him again- BAM. All the memories come back up. He is patient with my moodiness but I feel so unsure about what I want. I feel like there is a place inside that died when he betrayed me and I can't let good things touch it because I am scared of being hurt again. So for anyone who has tried to rebuild- how can you really trust him again? How can you move on? I think the basic thing is I still don't understand how he could do it. He says he loves me completely and the ONS was a terrible mistake stemming from his insecurity and immaturity, and was not about me. But I just can't accept that such a thing is possible with the kind of love I feel I deserve. It just doesn't make sense. If anyone has gotten through this stage and felt strong about a decision to keep rebuilding or to divorce I would greatly appreciate some works of wisdom.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 06-10-2010 - 5:19pm

Yes, you can get over it. It has been 5 years since Dday #1 and I am over it. I mean totally over it. XOW works were I work. I saw her just a couple of weeks ago and joked around with her. She is irrelevant to me now and I can be around her without any pain.

DH had an EA. There was a long build up where she chased him for about a year and a half, an intense 2 months, and another year of "just friends," where he lied to me about being in contact. The next two years were spent in slow recovery and the last year has been very good. I trust him now as much as I will ever trust anyone. I am not a very forgiving person, I cut off my entire family because they were toxic, so for me to be able to say that I have forgiven him, that I have let go of the pain is really something. Even when I think about it, the pain just isn't there to feel. You can work through this.

The reason I was able to get over it was because DH got it, he understood how much he hurt me and why it hurt. Also, he did a lot of hard work to understand his own motivations and he has worked hard to make sure it never happens again. It sounds like your SO is doing the same sort of work.

Think of what you have been through like being hit by a bus. You are injured and one does not recover instantly or even quickly no matter how sorry the driver of the bus might be. You need time to heal. I have read posts by people who have been through the death of their parents, and their children who said this was more painful. This is horrible stuff this kind of betrayal. It knocks us on our behinds. We lose our self-esteem, we don't know how to trust anymore, and we question every relationship we have. Our lives are destroyed in a moment of carelessness. It takes time to recover from that.

So, have patience with yourself. Don't bury these awful feelings, accept them as a natural consequence of what you have been through. Know that it will get better as time goes by.

But, maybe you cannot get past this even after the hard work you put into healing and that is OK, too. If you don't think you are going to be able to let go of it and move beyond it, then do throw in the towel. There is no shame in that and it is easier to get rid of a boyfriend than a husband. You do neither of you any favors by dragging this out. Let him go to find someone who can fully love him, and set yourself free to find someone who has not betrayed you.

No one can tell you what to do, and that makes it tough. You are going to have to listen to both your head and your heart.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2010
Thu, 06-10-2010 - 5:43pm
Hi
Of course you can. It all is within you. Being hurt by memories are actually choices you are making. You have control over them. Establishing that control is the hard part. Since you are near a college? perhaps there is a class in meditation. It is important to learn this control then this will wash over and not consume you.
Remember, if you want this relationship to continue then you too will have to step up to the plate.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2009
Sat, 06-12-2010 - 9:44am
...I don't know if I could have gotten over it...I think that by the time the infidelity occurred I had spent a great deal of time trying to control my husband and I wasn't a very nice person so I knew that when/if he found himself involved with someone else he would be treated 100xs better...so, truthfully, the person I was then would have been suspicious of his motivations for staying with me (which would have been our son and his military career)...as I don't think he would have been motivated by a desire to spend his life with me....
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2010
Sat, 06-12-2010 - 1:44pm
I dont think i'll ever get 'over' it - but I am trying as hard as I can to learn to 'live with it' which are 2 entirely different things. The pressure I felt I put on myself and the pressure from my H to 'get over it' was immense - now I know that I never will. I am hoping to find a place it can go in the recesses of my mind that I can have a 'normal happy life' w/ my H and keep that time - those things that happened at bay. back in the dark corners hopefully to stay there most if not all of the time. Sure the scar will always be there - it's a deep cut / wound - and while I am hoping it will heal, the scar will always for the rest of my life be there - whether I am with my H or someone else. so I have to learn to live with it. not get 'over' it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2010
Thu, 06-24-2010 - 6:47pm

it has been about 18 months since I found out, we are on our third MC. The problem, I cant get over it. I dont trust a word coming out of his

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Sat, 06-26-2010 - 12:40am
You can, unless it's been physical abuse going on for you, then you gotta get out now.