Can't get past his one night stand.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2004
Can't get past his one night stand.
20
Tue, 01-01-2013 - 4:19pm

its been a year

I had an EA online with someone for a long time. We never met in person. husband was very upset by it, he found out, i didn't tell him. I stopped talking to this guy and moved on. Apparently DH went on Ashley Madison and found someone for 'retaliation' sex.  I figured it out almost immediately because i knew the warning signs. He was starting an affair with her, but I figured it out after they had had sex once.  We went to counseling but then some major life events that prohibited us from continuing. 

Found out he was looking at another dating website about 6 months later.  I stopped that affair before it started.  I dont know if he had found that same woman on this other site, I never did figure out that much information before I confronted him.

I can't seem to get past this.  I think its the 'retaliation' part of the affair. That he told me it was my fault.  I dont believe that it is, but just the meaness of it all. He was so angry about it and not ashamed of it or very sorry.  At first, at least. He is now. 

we have 3 kids, and we dont plan on breaking up but .. we need to move on. I need to, I am preventing us from moving on.  we haven't been intimate in a year and I feel like its time.  But I am so angry with him still. I have read that i just have to sort of grin and bear it and over time it will get better. :(  Get yourself in the mood, have a few drinks, try to relax and .. go for it. 

Is this how it happens? 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2007
Wed, 01-02-2013 - 6:35pm

Peteandduke,

After reading your post and responses it seems to me that you are looking for definitive ways to regain intimacy in your marriage...some guidelines, if you will.  If so, and if you enjoy reading, I would like to suggest a book titled "The Seven Levels of Intimacy" by Matthew Kelly.

Here is the book description as shown on Amazon:

"BUILD THE STRONG, DEEPLY POWERFUL RELATIONSHIPS YOU'VE ALWAYS DESIRED

We all crave the heartwarming, incomparable connection of intimacy. But oftentimes, this complete, unrestrained sharing of ourselves is too daunting a task. Now, in The Seven Levels of Intimacy, Matthew Kelly explains step by step how to move beyond our fears and experience the power of true intimacy. By achieving each of Kelly's seven levels, we can understand and gain confidence in our partners and ourselves until we are fully able to experience love, commitment, trust, and happiness.

With profound insight and the use of powerful and relatable examples, The Seven Levels of Intimacy redefines the most important relationships in our lives and how we view our interactions with one another. By finally comprehending and experiencing the great depths of intimacy, we can create the strong connections, deep joy, and lasting bonds that we all long for in our lives."

I don't believe most of us are born with the knowledge of how to be intimate with another person. This book might help.  Be forewarned though.  He isn't talking about sex.  As a matter of fact, Chapter One is titled "Sex Is Not Intimacy", and from your posts I believe you are looking for more out of your relationship with your husband than just the physical act of intercourse. Maybe you've been looking for more intimacy for a long time.  I know I was, but I didn't have a clue how to achieve it beyond the sexual act.  I didn't know what constituted real intimacy.

According to Kelly the greatest gift we can give to another human being is to "allow him or her to simply see us for who we are, with our strengths and weaknesses, faults, failings, flaws, defects, talents, abilities, achievements, and potential...it is a complete and unrestrained sharing of self. Not all relationships are worthy of such a complete intimacy, but our primary relationship should be."

If this is what you are looking for then I suggest you give the book a try. 

Nothing has any meaning save the meaning I give it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2004
Wed, 01-02-2013 - 7:15pm

um, that scares the cr*p out of me.  LOL

I think, mostly because my husband, in times of awkwardness and stress (like talking about feelings) he becomes sarcastic or makes fun of the situation. And there are times that I think that is fine, i understand and even join in.. but when i am stripped down to dealing with my needs? i can't take it. And he often goes right to the sarcasm and belittling of my feelings.Its from his feelings of not knowing what to do with the information. His second go to for dealing with things is anger.  Then after a while he calms down and is quite kind and thoughtful, but initially he can be quite difficult. This seems way too vulnerable for me. I did tell him this when we went to marriage counseling, that I can't be true and honest with my feelings because he leaves me feeling stupid for feelig the way i do.

 and I am no wimp - I can take a lot from him. Trust me, and I give a lot, too.  I just dont know.. this scares me

I think you did hit the nail on the head. I do want more from my marriage, but i am afraid of it, too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2007
Wed, 01-02-2013 - 8:36pm

Peteandduke,

I understand your hesitancy.  Opening ourselves up to another, and especially without a guarantee, is scary.  I just wanted to present another option for you if you were interested in persuing it.  There's no requirement involved...no need to jump headlong into the fray...it's just another option, just some information you might not have previously been exposed to that might help.  If not now, then maybe in the future.  And even then, it's still all up to you.

Take care.

Nothing has any meaning save the meaning I give it.

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Thu, 01-03-2013 - 11:10am

peteandduke wrote:
<p>I am sorry, I really shouldn't ask people to read between the lines... I wasn't suggesting everyone konws what its like to have an affair.  I hope that the opposite is true and I am the exception. what i meant was, you can imagine what an online affair or on line sex would include. I wanted to spare the details.</p><p>I know we all have our own things that we bring with us to the forum and we have different experiences but, I am wondering what i am saying that has people assuming that I dont think my husband is a hurting? I know what i did was wrong, I have said that plenty of times. But. .i also think that what he did was wrong. Also, because I did something wrong, doesn't mean its okay for him to, does it?  I feel like a few here have suggested I deserve this.</p><p>I dont think my husband deserved what I did to him. I have apologized to him for 2 years about this. Cried tears and told him how horrible I feel and how wrong I am for it and how I dont want to screw up our marraige or our family.  I know i screwed it up.  And what he did in turn was find someone to have sex with.  To get back at me.  </p><p>I know that we need counseling, but so do a lot of people here. I was hoping to find a way to bridge counseling with my husband and my thoughts running through my head by coming on line and talking about it, isn't that what we are all here for?  I am sort of concensus person.</p><p>I truly am interested in what everyone has to say,  thank you very much!</p>

Has true and full forgiveness from either side been broached yet?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2004
Thu, 01-03-2013 - 12:49pm

</blockquote></p><p>Has true and full forgiveness from either side been broached yet?</p>[/quote]

No, neither side

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2004
Thu, 01-03-2013 - 12:51pm

Blueskyabove - 

Thank you for your thoughts. I appreciate it. I am thinking long and hard about it

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Thu, 01-03-2013 - 5:04pm

Hi

   I read through the other missives.  The first thing that comes to mind is this situation is not for consensus.  It is you dealing with your divided mind and emotions.   Right now from what you have written is that you yourself are in an civil war. 

     Until that is resolved then nothing else will matter.  Either you give up the anger or not.  Either you put the relationship at priority number one or you do not. 

    Boiled down the relationship had been in stasis.  The EA gave you a breath of life.  Now you are punishing yourself and your husband too.  "Conflicts of right and wrong are a sickness of the mind".   It no longer matters what happen when but what is happening now.

  "I was incredibly bored with my life at the time, for sure.  I felt very alone a lot of the time" 

     Do you still feel this way?

  "And partially because I grieve the marriage we once had - or wished we had.  We do talk about this, he grieves the marriage we had before kids, too.  Trust me we dont regret our kids at all and we love our family, we really do, but our marriage has taken a hit since the kids for sure."

   Did the kids take over the relationship?  

     What about the mismatched sexual drives(or are they really mismatched)?   Or is it a way to punish yourself and to keep at a cold war with you husband?  I suggest a sex therapist not a mere counselor because to move forward it will be a seduction of each other.  Much anger and fear will need to be laid to rest.

    

dragowoman

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Fri, 01-04-2013 - 2:25pm

peteandduke wrote:
<p>&lt;/blockquote&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;Has true and full forgiveness from either side been broached yet?&lt;/p&gt;
</p><p>No, neither side</p>[/quote]

well then have no expectations of moving on from anything until you do.  Someone needs to play the adult here and step into it for there to be anything remotely like peace in your marriage.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2004
Fri, 01-04-2013 - 4:38pm

Xxxs and Kendahka - you both bring up what I have been struggling with for a year

How do I forgive and move on? I seem to be stuck in the moment.  Do I just keep telling myself to move on? do I just stop thinking.. why is he late coming home from work? Do i just let him go to SF on a business trip even though he was planning on meeting someone there once? do I just go on faith that what he says is true? because he hasn't really shown me that I can trust him. When I did trust him - I made the mistake of telling him I trusted him - he went and took advantage of that and started searching for another person on line again through the married dating websites.  

I can do that. I think I can. but.. if feel like I will be activeily saying to myself - no stop thinking that. No, just let him do it. No just go on faith that it will be okay.

Do I just forgive because its time to? We both are very sorry that this all happened. He has apologized, I have. We have both cried over it we wished it never happened. So, now..why can't I forgive? because I feel vulnerable. I think that must be why.  I feel that if I let my guard down he will take advantage of me again. 

Thanks for your help

I am really trying to figure this all out and make it better for everyone.

oh yes, and i would say children have taken over our lives. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-1999
Sat, 01-26-2013 - 8:28am
Personally, I think you should ask your husband how he,was able to have sex with you after your EA. I'm not being mean, but I really think this would put you to on even ground. And open the door to a solid conversation. It may help him to remember what feelings you are experiencing and it may help you to, learn how to separate the A from your sex life. I will not lie. After my H's A's (physical and emotional) I had very strong urges (almost as a dying person seeks a cure desperation). That tapered and then I couldn't stand him touching me because all I thought about during sex was whether or not he was thinking about the other women or me. Honestly, it was too exhausting to try to analyze. So, in a way some nights I did have to just dive in and do it because I was also worried if I didn't it would be another reason for him to hook up with the trash of the, month. The, mind is a fickle thing. Anyways after a great counselor and a lot of time we have reached a fairly comfortable point. Sex happens spontaneously (but not often mostly due to a medical issue). And I have learned to be myself and recognized that with our without him I will be just fine. So we do what we are comfortable sex wise. From some of your posts though I would also suggest you go for some individual counseling because I think you are probably just now learning the full extent of the damage your EA had on your H and now you also have the pressure of dealing with his betrayal as well. Trust me I have fine through both EA's and a PA and there is absolutely NO difference in the feeling on the BS. Good luck with your rebuild.

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