Can't get past his one night stand.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2004
Can't get past his one night stand.
20
Tue, 01-01-2013 - 4:19pm

its been a year

I had an EA online with someone for a long time. We never met in person. husband was very upset by it, he found out, i didn't tell him. I stopped talking to this guy and moved on. Apparently DH went on Ashley Madison and found someone for 'retaliation' sex.  I figured it out almost immediately because i knew the warning signs. He was starting an affair with her, but I figured it out after they had had sex once.  We went to counseling but then some major life events that prohibited us from continuing. 

Found out he was looking at another dating website about 6 months later.  I stopped that affair before it started.  I dont know if he had found that same woman on this other site, I never did figure out that much information before I confronted him.

I can't seem to get past this.  I think its the 'retaliation' part of the affair. That he told me it was my fault.  I dont believe that it is, but just the meaness of it all. He was so angry about it and not ashamed of it or very sorry.  At first, at least. He is now. 

we have 3 kids, and we dont plan on breaking up but .. we need to move on. I need to, I am preventing us from moving on.  we haven't been intimate in a year and I feel like its time.  But I am so angry with him still. I have read that i just have to sort of grin and bear it and over time it will get better. :(  Get yourself in the mood, have a few drinks, try to relax and .. go for it. 

Is this how it happens? 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2004
Wed, 01-02-2013 - 4:35pm

ivil_newbeginnings wrote:
<p>Have you ever asked yourself why it doesn't bother you that you and your DH haven't had s*x in a year? When I hear that M ppl go that long and long without being intimate with each other I wonder why they even stay M (unless one has a medical issue of course). Anyway, to most ppl intimacy is very important. Most ppl want that intimacy from the person they M, if they are not getting it, they become starved for affection and seek someone outside of the M.</p><p>Do you want to fix your M? If you do, you must find a way to communicate your needs to your DH and make him feel comfortable enough with you to communicate his needs to you. I didn't mean to insinuate that your DH was justified by having an A. An A is wrong no matter is it is an EA or PA. Having SF is obviously at the top of your DH's needs (as with most men), so he needs that. What is in your top percent of needs that you need from a partner. The fact that you maintained an Internet relationship with someone you have never met says a lot about you and it may even be that you have a deep fear of true intimacy (thus, being able to open up to a stranger in such a personal way without having met the person). IDK, this is just a guess.</p><p>At any rate, if you want to repair your M, you must get into MC with a good therapist and maybe even individual counseling to sort out what is really going on. Yes, we all have something going on within us but a lot of us couldn't even phathom betraying our spouses by having an A. This is not to say that I am any better than you, it is just that my M vows are as important to me as my faith in God, and my faith in God is grounded so deep that I would rather die than not have a relationship with God. So, I can't understand cheating but I know that sometimes good ppl do cheat.</p><p>When you say jump in and do it, you sound like you are speaking of a total stranger. There again it sounds like you have closen yourself off to your DH which is not good at all. I pray that you will have peace.</p>

My husband thinks I have a low sex drive. I dont know, I dont think so. I often think its paritally that maybe we have mismatched sex drives (although not having sex in a year is clearly not normal, i know that), partially that I am exhuasted because we have 3 kids that I take care of, I am a stay at home mom. And partially because I grieve the marriage we once had - or wished we had.  We do talk about this, he grieves the marriage we had before kids, too.  Trust me we dont regret our kids at all and we love our family, we really do, but our marriage has taken a hit since the kids for sure.  

Honestly, I can't phathom having an affair either!  but yet I did. How did that happen?  I guess it was sort of.. not real to me. It was like a fantasy, I guess. My perfect little play world.  But my EA was very real to my husband, I know. 

You bring up some very valid points. Thank you so much for your thoughts and taking the time to respond to me

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2010

Have you ever asked yourself why it doesn't bother you that you and your DH haven't had s*x in a year? When I hear that M ppl go that long and long without being intimate with each other I wonder why they even stay M (unless one has a medical issue of course). Anyway, to most ppl intimacy is very important. Most ppl want that intimacy from the person they M, if they are not getting it, they become starved for affection and seek someone outside of the M.

Do you want to fix your M? If you do, you must find a way to communicate your needs to your DH and make him feel comfortable enough with you to communicate his needs to you. I didn't mean to insinuate that your DH was justified by having an A. An A is wrong no matter is it is an EA or PA. Having SF is obviously at the top of your DH's needs (as with most men), so he needs that. What is in your top percent of needs that you need from a partner. The fact that you maintained an Internet relationship with someone you have never met says a lot about you and it may even be that you have a deep fear of true intimacy (thus, being able to open up to a stranger in such a personal way without having met the person). IDK, this is just a guess.

At any rate, if you want to repair your M, you must get into MC with a good therapist and maybe even individual counseling to sort out what is really going on. Yes, we all have something going on within us but a lot of us couldn't even phathom betraying our spouses by having an A. This is not to say that I am any better than you, it is just that my M vows are as important to me as my faith in God, and my faith in God is grounded so deep that I would rather die than not have a relationship with God. So, I can't understand cheating but I know that sometimes good ppl do cheat.

When you say jump in and do it, you sound like you are speaking of a total stranger. There again it sounds like you have closen yourself off to your DH which is not good at all. I pray that you will have peace.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2004
Wed, 01-02-2013 - 3:30pm

Khatru1 - you are right. I guess it hasn't really bothered me much, but.. it bothers me that it bothers him. And yes it does leave us very vulnerable. To the point that I caught him one more time looking for someone on line for another one night stand. Because I do love him, i want to fix this, i want to care about it. And, like I said in my first post.. am i supposed to just.. jump in and do it? and compartmentalize my feelings? and in time it will all go back to normal? I know we need a counselor. or I do. I know. :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2004
Wed, 01-02-2013 - 3:22pm

I am sorry, I really shouldn't ask people to read between the lines... I wasn't suggesting everyone konws what its like to have an affair.  I hope that the opposite is true and I am the exception. what i meant was, you can imagine what an online affair or on line sex would include. I wanted to spare the details.

I know we all have our own things that we bring with us to the forum and we have different experiences but, I am wondering what i am saying that has people assuming that I dont think my husband is a hurting? I know what i did was wrong, I have said that plenty of times. But. .i also think that what he did was wrong. Also, because I did something wrong, doesn't mean its okay for him to, does it?  I feel like a few here have suggested I deserve this.

I dont think my husband deserved what I did to him. I have apologized to him for 2 years about this. Cried tears and told him how horrible I feel and how wrong I am for it and how I dont want to screw up our marraige or our family.  I know i screwed it up.  And what he did in turn was find someone to have sex with.  To get back at me.  

I know that we need counseling, but so do a lot of people here. I was hoping to find a way to bridge counseling with my husband and my thoughts running through my head by coming on line and talking about it, isn't that what we are all here for?  I am sort of concensus person.

I truly am interested in what everyone has to say,  thank you very much!

Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Wed, 01-02-2013 - 3:14pm

I agree with the others. You two need to see a counselor or I don't see much chance of reconciling. Too much has happened between you and it sounds like you haven't really talked about it or addressed it in any real way.

Having been over a year since the two of you have been intimate is very concerning. Maybe it doesn't really bother you, seems like sort of doesn't, but it probably bothers him greatly. It leaves one open and vulnerable to other temptations. The longer you remain in this chaste relationship limbo, the more risk you have of something else happening and your chances for repairing the marriage grow less and less.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2010
Wed, 01-02-2013 - 1:54pm
"""My EA well - it was like a rush. It was exhilirating and fun. I think it sort of turned into more after we had been talking inappropriately on line. I am sure you all know what i am talking about""" I can't exactly say that I know what you are talking about. I have been M 20 years and I have never sought comfort from another man outside of my M. However, my DH did have an A so I guess he could relate to what you are talking about. The fact that you and your DH haven't had s*x in a year is very bad for your M. You should find what you need in each other and not have to look outside your M unless you both agree to an open M. You seem to put your EA as less painful than your DH physical A. An A is an A, whether it is emotional, physical or both. My DH's had a physical A and when he told me it was just s*x and she was a cheap wh*re, I slapped his face and told him 1. how dare he call another woman a name like that in my presence and 2. how dare he risk our M for meaningless s*x with a woman he didn't even know. You can only fix things if you and your DH commit 100% to each other. Be brutally and totally honest with each other and make sure you are meeting each other's needs. You should be the only woman your DH enjoys and you should make sure that you are doing EVERYTHING to make sure that his needs are met. He should also be doing EVERYTHING to make sure your needs are met and he is the only man you are enjoying emotionally and physically. If not, you will leave a hole in your M that some other person will penetrate. You can repair your M and make it better by learning to lean on each other more than anyone else and making sure that neither of you are starving for attention/conversation/affection or support.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2004
Wed, 01-02-2013 - 12:44pm

Oh, I don't mean to imply that i am not at fault. I guess right at this moment i am focusing on this one issue because it seems to feel a bit overwhelming to me. And it is a major issue for us right now.

I am angry, that is true. very angry.  Every time I think about it I get angry. And I do feel like its my fault. Even though I know its not, i dont have that kind of control over a person, I do know that he did this act out of anger because of the things that I did. 

Also, I can tell NOW looking back that this happened another time in our marriage. I can tell by the way he acted this time,  that he did the exact same things one other time in our marriage and that bothers me. I did ask him and it took a very long while for him to deny it, several times for me to ask him and finally once in our counsesling sessions he denied it.  I know its a lie. I know he did it. 

I am very angry that this has become my life. How did this happen? how did I ever let this happen? this is not me. 

My EA well - it was like a rush. It was exhilirating and fun. I think it sort of turned into more after we had been talking inappropriately on line.  I am sure you all know what i am talking about.  then after a long while of doing that we began talking about everything in life and next thing you know we are more than just having fun with each other.

I was incredibly bored with my life at the time, for sure. And our marriage wasn't the best. I felt very alone a lot of the time. That did need to be fixed before all of this started on my end or on his end.  I know those problems are still there. 

We did go see a counselor and he was not a good fit. Like i said, major life events got in the way of us going for a few months and we decided not to go back.. sort of. Mostly because of the counselor. We could try another I guess.  It's very hard to find the time and when the results were just fair in the past, its hard to get motivated to find that time.

I feel like we need to learn to reconnect. I do want that. He is still my friend, my confidant, there is no desire to divorce. There is a desire to reconnect and fall back in love. But, for him there is a huge desire to have sex. He does not want to be in a sexless marriage.  He has said that many times to me. I dont blame him. 

I really appreciate all your thoughts. Its very interesting to see everyone's reaction to what i am saying. It really puts things into perspective for me. I am not going to defend my actions, I know what I did wrong. I just want to try to fix things. I honestly do

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Tue, 01-01-2013 - 11:20pm

So you both did something very wrong.  He is not responsible for you cheating.  You are not responsible for him cheating.  No, you do not just "grin and bear it", hardly.  What you do is continue getting help so neither of you does anything so callous again.  If he was at it again 6 months after his "retaliation", then I'd say it's more than retaliation, it's his conscious choice.  All the more reason to keep up the counseling.  A good marriage counselor will see right thru lies and BS, which seem to go hand in hand with cheating.  You won't move on just deciding to grin and bear it, there is serious work to be done, to grin and bear it is going to get you nowhere.  Has he gotten past YOUR affair?  It takes two. 

 

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Tue, 01-01-2013 - 8:47pm

  This does not read as getting back in the groove with each other.  Are there other problems or is this let me be angry for eternity?  What has this "anger" done for you?  An excuse not to have sex?  Before you had the EA what were your feelings?  What did the EA bring to the table? 

  Oh yes: " He was so angry about it and not ashamed of it or very sorry.  At first, at least. He is now."  So you are getting a charge "punishing him".  So how is that working for you?

 "I am preventing us from moving on."

          Then move on by moving on.  Do it.  It is you that is causing the problem.   You enjoy being mad.

dragowoman

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 01-01-2013 - 8:38pm

You really seem to gloss over the fact that you had a long time EA--was that ever discussed w/ your DH, like the reasons that you were doing this?  Was there something going on in your marriage or did you just happen to start this up?  I do agree that your DH was wrong in trying to have sex w/ someone to retaliate, but you seem to be putting all the burden on him--what about what you did?  Do you not feel that he had a right to be angry and hurt with you?  I think the best thing you could do would be to go to marriage counseling because I think the only way for both of you to get over this is to get your issues out and talked about and resolved.  I don't think you'll be able to just sweep it under the rug and "get past it."

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