Can't let go.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2009
Can't let go.
Fri, 07-31-2009 - 6:13am

Hi there,

I've been with my bf for four and a half years. We bought a house together in March 08. My problem started in Jan when I found out he was texting things he shouldn't be to a former colleague of his. I did have my suspicions something wasn't right. I have been known to be a little jealous in the past but I did trust him.

We had a good relationship and I thought he was the one. I started thinking something wasn't right over Xmas as he seemed to always be on his phone and checking it and once I think he waited until i got out of the way before he wold open a message. I looked at his phone and found messages to a girl I'd never herd of. There was nothing too bad just saying happy Xmas, did you have a good time at the party (he'd been on a works do) and we should arrange another night out. He replied yeah we'll arrange another night out.

I was a little bit concerned, as he'd never mentioned her to me before. I looked at his Facebook wall and read what she wrote, again there wasn't anything really bad, but what she was saying suggests they got on pretty well.

A few weeks later I told him my friend was coming round to our house. He said he would go out. I noticed he was texting this girl again so I asked him who he was asking to go out with. He mentioned a couple of his friends, but didn't mention her. He didn't go out so I didn't say anything.

A few days later he told me he was going out with some people from his old work (where she works) I panicked a little so I asked to come too he said no it was a work thing. He told me his old boss was texting him about a night out. I was very worried as I knew he was lying and he was texting this girl.

I looked at his phone and I was right. The massages he was sending her this time were far worse. He had text her about meeting up a few times. He said to her "Why don't you wear one of your sexy skirts" and "who said I wanted you to wear owt ;)" with the winks. One message he told he he was lonely. I was furious and confronted him. He got really upset and asked why I was looking through his phone. He told me the girl is a friend he used to work with and yes he said the meeting up would have been in the pub for a drink nothing more. He said he was just having a laugh about the sexy skirt and stuff and wasn't meant to be serious.

I wasn't happy with the way he was dealing with it (acting like he hadn't done anything wrong and saying I shouldn't have been looking at his phone) so I told him it was over.I asked him to show me the other messages he'd sent, but he had deleted them. We got back together a bit later. He apologized and said he knows it was stupid to say what he did, but he didn't mean it and it would never happen again. I told him to delete her number. I took her number myself as I was going to call her.

A few days later I noticed what she had wrote of him Facebook had gone. I aslo noticed he looked at her MySpace profile. When I asked him he said he couldn't remember this. I was still thinking about this and was having trouble letting go. I told him this and said I would like to meet her and he should arrange a night out so I can do so. He said he didn't want to do this as he said it would be embarrassing. I said if he doesn't want me to meet her it looks like he's hiding something. He said he knows I would start an argument if I met her. I said yes I would want a word with her, but if he hasn't done anything wrong, so why would it matter.

I told him it looks like he's hiding something (deleting the Facebook post and his text massages) I asked him why he had done this he just said because it wasn't important to him and he was angry I was looking through his phone. I don't belive this I don't think that was the first time he'd said something like that to her.

A bit later I noticed he got a text from an unknown number. I thought it might be her, but I decided not to look. I wrote the number down to check it. The next day I check numbers and it was her. I looked at his phone and his messages were gone. I was so angry with him. He said he was sorry, but he just panicked and deleted it as he knew it would cause an argument. I asked him what she said. He told me said asked him how he was as they hadn't spoke in a while. He said he told her things weren't good as I'd read the massages he'd sent her and I wasn't happy.

I decided to ring her, she didn't answer so I text her asking what was going on with the texts and stuff. She didn't reply for ages, she said they were friends and and nothing was meant by those texts. She text him straight after as well. He showed me this it said "your girlfriend text me. I text her back I hope you've sorted it all out now"

He told me he would arrange a night out with her if that would make things better. He text her about meeting up.

A month later and this hadn't happened, so I told him to forget it. We had had discussions about it. I told him I still could get my head round some stuff if they were just friends. Like why did he never tell me about her as he was in regular contact with her. He just said it didn't seem that important. I asked him if he liked her and wasn't happy with something in our relationship. He said no he liked her as a friend and nothing more. I asked him about why he would feel the need to tell me his old boss was texting me when he was texting her. All I get is "I don't know". I told him deleted everything from his Facebook and phone looks like he's hiding something. Hesaid this is not the case.

There isn't really any other evidence he was physically cheating on me. He used to give me a copy of his work schedule every moth, which I don't think he would have done if he was cheating and we used to go out together most of the time.

The thing is I can't shake off the feeling he's hiding something. I don't know if anything did happen, but I can't help but think he must have seen there "friendship as inappropriate or he wouldn't have lied, also he must have felt pretty comfortable with her to ask her to meet up with him naked!!! Or maybe the Intentions were there I don't know.

All this is still bothering me after all this time. I am a stubborn person and if I think I'm not getting the whole truth I won't let it go. We are going to counseling, but the councilor seems to be all about moving forward, which until I have proper answers I don't think I can do. My bf just keeps saying the same things to me.

I have spoken to my mortgage provider about our house as I know it's a possibility we will spilt over this. I feel so torn. I loved him so much, but I am devastated over this. It hurts me so much he could be so stupid so soon after we bought a house together. I still feel so angry and most I the time I end up pushing him away and resenting him for the hurt he caused. At the same time I can't imagine my life without him I just don't know what to do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2006
Fri, 07-31-2009 - 3:24pm
(((HUGS))) and