Find a Conversation
|Mon, 08-01-2011 - 6:53am|
I haven't been here in long time. Partly because of computer issues, and partly because my H had been reading my posts and I got sick of second guessing everything I wrote.
D-day was almost 4 years ago, and I'm not happy to say that I'm still struggling with a lot. I guess a lot of the pain and shock is gone, but I still have self-esteem issues. I should mention that in my H case he was with a lot of other women over a long period of time, and I think that has made it very difficult for me.
Right now one of our struggles is that my H can tell that I don't feel the love for him that I used to. I think I still love him, but I really don't know if I can define that word. I know I loved him for 21 years and during that time he had a secret life of flirting and fooling around with other women. He says he loved me through all that. So I don't really hold the respect for "love" that I used to.
He wants me to just make a decision to forget and forgive and move on. I know I'm not there yet, and I really don't know how to get there or if that's even possible.
One of our biggest issues was brought about by the circumstances surrounding d-day. We had one "d-day" when I found out about him propositioning a young lady but it didn't pan out. When I confronted him, he said that he couldn't go through with it because our relationship meant too much to him. Well, after the shock wore off, I was completely flattered. Here he presumably had his chance with a pretty young woman and turned her down for his wife of 20 years. I also asked if other things had happened, and he of course told me "no" and even told me about another woman who had flirted with him (I presumed he had turned her down too - I was wrong). Anyway, what followed was four months of great "rebuilding" passion. Great sex, lots of flirting, everything he had always wanted from me attention-wise.
Then - BLAM - the discovery that my presumptions were wrong. He had actually been with multiple women and had never turned anyone down "because our relationship meant so much". There was a slow cooling after that as more and more of the shock wore off and more and more of the story came out. The problem is that now my H wants to compare our relationship with that time period. He believes that's how it should be now. After all, he is being faithful and honest now and that's what I was appreciating from him at that time. I just can't see how to get back to that spot. How can I ever feel that way about him now?
One of the worst things is that as I make little improvements and try things, it doesn't seem to matter. He continues to compare things with that time period and refers to it every couple of weeks when he talks to me about how I need to just make a decision and go back to that.
Isn't it bad enough that I feel like he chose so many women over me? Now I have to be compared to myself during an unrealistic and falsely created time in our relationship? I just want him to accept me for the person I am now: the person that's trying to get through this and get to a better spot.
Thank you for being here. It always helps me to write these things out.