Checking in.

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Registered: 09-12-2008
Checking in.
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Thu, 05-28-2009 - 4:58am

I just came from a history conference that I serve on the board. We meet once a year. My spouses affair was while I was at this conference last year.

A few good things that I think might be useful to some.

Shortly after D Day, I began an exercise effort. Nothing to dramatic. I do crunches, side leg lifts, back leg lifts and some pushups. I repeat it twice then finish with several sets of pushups. I used the OM's name to do the last five push ups for months. Just saying his name upset me enough to really do those last few hard ones. Now, almost eleven months later, I just use some music that amps me.

I can't tell you how many people came up to me last week and told me "You lost weight!" One female historian actually took my picture. A very extraordinary and forward thing for her to have done. Two of my long time female friends who are my age, and work in the industry, both avoided me like the plague. I was sort of the "fun to talk to person in the trade," a harmless, well connected friend in the industry. These are nice, classy woman and I think they might have found themselves uncomfortable about what they might have felt or thought standing next to me this year. They certainly didn't avoid my spouse. One of the female directors of the association actually made a passing "come to my hotel room" joke and then turned red after realizing what she said.

I'm overstating this a bit, and afraid I'm coming across as narcissistic. (but the fact is that It's probably not hard to look good among a bunch of librarians and history nerds.) I'm not really sure what people thought, but I clearly got more attention than normal at this conference which I've been attending for almost a decade. This was really good for my self esteem and showed that my hard work is paying off. My spouse flew in for a few days of the conference and I think (well, i know) she got an ear full about how different I look. Having others say nice things about you to your wondering spouse goes a long way I think. Having said this, it's clear that I was letting myself go for years before the affair. I needed to correct this either way.

I've been eating better and I feel a lot better. I used to throw my back out hauling boxes of books at these conferences. With my new core strength, I've had no problems this past 10 months with my back at all.

DW struggled "off and on" over the conference. She forgot to take her meds three of the four days we were there. But so many people came up to us and showed her unconditional love and respect that it really moved her. One man who is a Franciscan Priest, (not our faith tradition) really said nice things to us as a couple. DW told me she wished she was catholic for a day and could confess to him, knowing he would simply love us and offer God's healing wisdom and forgiveness. Our own pastor has acted like a sanctimonious jerk thus far. Ugh!

DW took a nap in the Hotel room on Friday. I called her and asked her to come down and save me a seat at the banquet. As a board member, I had to take tickets at the door and act like an usher. DW came down, found a seat, then got up and found me at the door. Crying she said she could not act happy in front of these people and went back to the room. After I finished my duties I went up to the room and just combed her hair with a brush, (something she likes) until she calmed down. She said she could not believe she did what she did and didn't feel any remorse afterwards. I'm usually a talker, but my impression was just to let her talk and keep silent. I still don't know fully what was going on in her head, but she calmed down and we eventually made it back down there. We sat at an almost empty table and listened to the awards being handed out. The Press I work for didn't win anything this year so I didn't have to get up.

The day she flew out was the one year date for her affair. She flew home, but I had to drive the truck of books home that didn't sell. She called me from each layover and talked me through my loneliness and urges to obsess. She called me from her car when she got back home and said that she was searching the radio stations for songs that reminded her of me. The OM is her HS boyfriend and there are tons of songs about that sort of thing on the radio and the two of them would talk about those songs during the affair. She stopped listening to the radio about a month after D Day. Only CDs that she or I made for her. That popular Darius Rucker song, "Don't think I don't think about it" was one of their songs and it just kills me when I hear it:

"When we make choices we gotta live with them
Heard you found a real good man and you married him
I wonder if sometimes I cross your mind
Where would we be today if I never drove that car away"

Yeah, well they tried to find out.

Rucker is coming in concert and that song is on the radio ads. Ugh!

To have her unsolicited, say that she was searching for songs about me on the radio hit a tender nerve and really made me feel like she was letting him go and at long last, focusing on me.

Woof!

Anyway, we had a good night tonight. She had to work midnights. When I got home from work she said she struggled to sleep and needed a few more hours but could not calm down. I laid down next to her and told her about hiking with my son in a back pack when he was one and how cool of an experience that had been. She was asleep when finished.

She just called me and said that listening to me calmed her down and she could not stop thinking about me. This is such a long way from last fall when she came to me crying and said she felt just knew she was suppose to be with him and didn't want to hurt our children and knew that going to him was going to hurt my feelings. She somehow got it in her brain that she needed to give that relationship a chance. She could not grasp what those words did to me. And maybe she can't fully grasp how her actions toward me now simply move me to tears.

It's strange but I feel that when we have problems now, I no longer attach them to the affair. They are just our problems that we have to solve. Not problems brought about by the affair or related to the affair so much anymore. Just the regular problems we struggled to work through before this big mess. And yes, I'm paying attention to them and taking them seriously now.

We met with my therapist this week. DW and I got into it about some things and began arguing about how we parent our children differently. After about ten min. The therapist finally broke in and said. "Well, this is actually a good sign. You are not arguing about the affair anymore but about practical issues and problems." "things are not fixed, but this is a big improvement and you guys are well on your way." "good for you guys."

Things are not perfect. We still have problems. Real problems. But they are our problems that surround us. Not outsiders so much anymore.

Thomas

5 kids ages 15-9, D Day: August 5, 2008

Status: Figuring it out. Together.

Thomas

We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.

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Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 05-28-2009 - 9:49am

<<(but the fact is that It's probably not hard to look good among a bunch of librarians and history nerds.)>>

Hey!! Hey!! Watch what you say about us librarians!!

During the second year post Dday #2, several men indicated they wanted something more than a casual acquaintance with me. I don't know if I was putting out vibes or what, but they seemed to be crawling out of the woodwork at the time. I wasn't tempted. There is something about a man who wants to have an affair with an MW that I find completely unattractive. I was a bit dense at first about their intentions, but when I realized what was happening I told DH about everything because that is what a responsible spouse does. It was a huge eye opener for him. During the fog, they get the idea that we are lucky to have them since they could be with whoever they want. These other guys wanting to be with me hit DH in the gut hard and he realized I could be with whoever I wanted to be with, too, and he was lucky to have me. Interestingly, he truly appreciated my openness and realized that one of his big mistakes with OW was not telling me about how she was coming on to him. He has told me how he should have handled it differently.

<>

I understand this. After your spouse has an A, your self-esteem goes into the toilet. So, any evidence that you are an attractive human being who is wanted is heart warming, to say the least. So, while I would never have had an A with those men I mentioned above, it was a boost to know that they wanted me.

In the A triangle, the BS is the least respected or appreciated and has the least amount of power until Dday. If you think about it, while the BS is necessary for an A to happen, the BS is considered trash, and expendable. It comes as a shock to the APs when this is proven not to be true. As you know, xOW works here. We have both been in situations where she has seen that I am well liked here and from her reaction, I think she is rather surprised by this and is very uncomfortable with it. I am not the evil ogress she had built up in her mind. I am a very nice person who did not deserve what she did to me.

You two have come such a long way in such a short time. I am glad to hear you are in a good place. I do believe you are going to make it.

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Registered: 06-03-2008
Thu, 05-28-2009 - 10:59am

It's so nice to hear you guys are doing well.




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Registered: 02-04-2009
Thu, 05-28-2009 - 11:55am

Thomas,


Thank you so much for stopping by.

"If something cannot go on forever, it will stop."  Herb Stein

Avatar for pater_familia
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Registered: 09-12-2008
Fri, 05-29-2009 - 2:01pm


April

" I think that this conference did open her eyes to the possibilities and temptations that you may have faced and always made the right decision about."

Humm, I didn't even think of that. I suppose you are right.

You know, I've spoken to some of the old-timers at this conference over the years and the subject of affairs came up once or twice about shenanigans going on at the conference by some of the single and married folk. I always went out of my way to introduce my spouse to the women I associate with at these conferences and went out of my way to have them become friends.

Pamme

"Hey!! Hey!! Watch what you say about us librarians!!"

he he, I was hoping that would get a response from you. The standard in history and libraries is that smart women are sexy and smart men are nerds. I've found the rule is ubiquitous, absolute and transcends cultures.

As for the other woman working on campus. Ugh!!! You really need to apply the issue of "hate vs indifference!" I'm in a study group with my spouses first affair. I've essentially made him irrelevant. He's so irrelevant that some say were are friends because we engage in dialogue during our group discussions. I went after him some months back about the affair. I got a bug to have all the men give me a full accounting. It was sort of humorous to see him squirm again and take what he told me and share it with DW and see her just roll her eyes at his version of events. But I'm back to indifferent.

In fact we are going to meet tonight and until right now, I haven't given him a single thought. The only reason why is that I went directly after him from the go. I confronted him, I uninvited him from my life and I let him go. Granted it's been four or so years. Maybe five. But I stopped thinking of him years ago. And he's alienated himself from many of his friends since. I don't know anyone who trusts him with much.

I'm working on making this the case for all the other men. I'm there with two of the four, and I'm not far off on a third. I googled the last guy yesterday. FAILURE! But I'm talking myself into it.

Thomas

5 kids ages 15-9, D Day: August 5, 2008

Status: Figuring it out. Together.

Thomas

We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.

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Registered: 09-09-2008
Fri, 05-29-2009 - 5:10pm

She sounds like probably one of the few who feels the damage they've done down to the bones.

 

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Registered: 09-12-2008
Fri, 05-29-2009 - 5:46pm

"I think just letting her talk things out out loud and not talking yourself is really a good idea - I really think if you DON'T talk, it encourages her to say more. It sounds like you're making progress!!!!"

Yeah, I'm a salesman at heart. Even the therapist told me that just the fact that I can articulate to my spouse how I'm feeling is intimidating to her and not always a good thing. He invited me to purposely stumble in describing things and fail to express myself so that i would come across as less intimidating to her. Seems like chaos to me.

The problem is that I don't understand what's she's getting at sometimes. I don't know how important a statement is. She gave me lots of hints about the affair during the affair but I didn't probe enough. Now I probe too much.

Like at the hotel, she started crying and when she finally started to speak, she said that she could not believe that she felt no remorse after "doing what she did." What is she talking about? Sex, the affair, stuff I know about? Stuff I don't know about? Was she trying to tell me something? Something new? I can't imagine it being something new. We have been doing so well for a lot of months. But I could never imagine her having an affair either. This was the last chick on the planet I would have guessed would have an affair. This is my sweet little, religious, moral pillar of goodness. My whole belief system is in chaos after her affairs.

I just got off the phone with DW. She confirmed our appointment for tomorrow morning. I'm going to write "let her talk" in pen on the palm of my hand. Your right in that I've done a lot of healing, I'm not sure what kind of healing she's been doing.

Thomas

5 kids ages 15-9, D Day: August 5, 2008

Status: Figuring it out. Together.

Thomas

We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.

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Registered: 08-19-2008
Fri, 05-29-2009 - 6:26pm

Well, Thomas, nobody said this would be easy.

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Registered: 10-09-2008
Fri, 05-29-2009 - 6:53pm

SO glad to read that post from you, Thomas!

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Registered: 09-09-2008
Fri, 05-29-2009 - 7:23pm

Part of what I meant about "not talking" is something I've seen with my DH.