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|Thu, 02-02-2006 - 12:04pm|
Many of you have showed concern I am being too soft. Below is a clarification of my thinking process. If any of you can make it through this & want to form arguments I will listen. Although, I may not act until H has been on stabilizers for 6w – as I’ve already told him I will not start marriage counseling because he is not out of this episode yet. He is on anti-psychotics, which allows him to live here, but his mind is not yet stable. His psychiatric appointment is on Feb 28th, which I am going to attend to hopefully give the doc enough information to make as precise of a diagnosis as possible (there are many sub-types of BP) so hopefully the correct meds are prescribed the first time.
The psychotherapist my H was seeing this past summer/fall, and when the EA began, told H he has an ‘empathy problem.’ I agree. This is one of the things I love about my H. He really cares about other people’s feelings. As with nearly anything you enjoy there are some negatives to it. Sure I would love to hear H be cold & distant with the OW, but it is not who he is so why should I expect it?
My H does not hate this OW and still cares for her. Should I not respect that? He has left her to rebuild with me. I do not want any contact from him to her, not matter the quality, because it allows the door to remain ajar & in essences is telling her, ‘I’m still here.’ I wanted H to end communication on his own terms, but because it caused lying and hiding I did sort of insist on this NC letter. This is a portion of what the email I had sent him…
I can tell you this much, the ONLY WAY you're going to even start to make me believe you've ended all contact with XXXX is if you send the No Contact letter, CC'd to me. I wanted to believe your words when you said you'd ended it, but you're action is indicating otherwise.
His tone of voice toward the OW is what his therapist suggested for him to use. I do think H was trying to let it die a natural death. But I know this woman well enough there is not a natural death. We met her about 14 yrs ago. She came to a bar as a friend’s date. She became drunk very quickly, ran out to her car & was bawling. So I went out and sat in the car with her as she told me how much she loved her date & how he didn’t love her as much and they would never get married, etc. etc. I sat with her for at least an hour. The next time we saw her was our wedding day as she came as a date with the same friend. (The last time I had heard her voice before all of this was on the radio, as she had a show, and she was congratulating my H & I on our marriage.) Anyway, she has never let this man go, even through his marriage & her own marriage. She continued to talk to him nearly every day. That is until she got involved with my H. (BTW: Her current H was married when she started her relationship with him – but he practices polyamory.)
If I am accepting H’s mental illness, should I not also accept hers? Every time H tried to end it with her, even while it was only an EA, she threatened suicide. Now – my MIL also suffered from BP and 9 yrs ago did commit suicide (ironically after starting Zoloft – the very drug that triggered H’s episode). She lived in HI at the time and had asked my H to come visit her. H knowing she was suicidal, dealing with it his entire life, decided to run away instead. He told her he needed to go to Chicago for work that week, he did go to Chicago, but it was a vacation to see his friend, reservations made after he told this to his mother. Since she died a few weeks later H has carried a lot of guilt on his shoulders. OW threatening suicide, having another death on his hands (in his mind) is too much for him to take. So whenever the OW threatened suicide he ran back to her.
Late November he did call and ask me to file D (Sun). I asked him if that is what he really wanted. He could not answer for a while. Then he said, ‘you’ll survive, she will not.’ This became his theme in words over the next few days. (BTW: this is after he called OW & tried to end it again.) This also was the time he became most suicidal – in fact, I was watching his phone log & even saw he called a stranger, whom I discovered belonged to a gun club.
Then one day he called to chit-chat (Wed), when he hung up he sincerely said, ‘I love you.’ It was such a shock to me I thought I misunderstood, but then he came over later in the day & as he left he said it again. Every conversation has ended that way ever since. I noticed he had stopped calling the OW the same day or even retrieving VM. Yet he was calling me all the time – that is until Friday afternoon.
He came over for our baby’s 1st birthday on Sat & he told me the OW showed up on his doorstep. He told her it was over between them & he was coming home. But yet, he didn’t know how to turn her away. Which of course upset me – but, again, I feel this needs to be on his own terms. Her flight was to leave on Sun., but when the time came she would not go. So he got her a hotel & forced her out. She then called & told H she was taking pills so he went to the hotel as she was popping pills – she did wait until he got there as she had only taken 3 when he walked in the door. He ended up sitting on a chair watching her all night long. In the morning he had her make plane reservations for that day and brought her back to his apt. He had an appointment with a counselor at the time she needed to leave so he set up a cab to come pick her up.
Around noon she borrowed his car (dented & scratched it) went to the liquor store. Around 1:45 she started to scream, ‘You’re going to go back your family and I’ll never hear from you again.’ Then she fell backwards, hit hear head hard against the wall (H apt had no furniture so they were sitting on the floor) and her eyes rolled up. H was able to get her to wake a little & he asked if she took pills. She said yes. He tried to get her to go throw up but she wouldn’t. So he finally called 911. The paramedics asked her if she took pills & she told them yes.
Tox-screen showed she never did take pills, but did drink a 5th of Vodka in less than 2 hrs & did have alcohol poisoning. She tried desperately to get out of the hospital & back to H apartment, but the hospital would not release her unless she had someone to care for her & H wouldn’t take her so she stayed there for 3 days at which time she was diagnosed as BP & in acute mania.
My H calls this ‘The Perfect Storm.’ Her life was crashing all at once & our lives had been through tremendous stress over the past 2.5 yrs (mc, death, breast lump, colicky baby, etc.) Then the Zoloft-triggered manic episode was pushing him into a delusional state when his friend had them talk for the 1st time through a 3-way call.
I am NOT excusing my H behavior. I remind him all the time he has to take some responsibility & he does. He does not want to use his MI as an excuse, but it did play a large role. While in psychosis you cannot see consequences or control impulses. Many people are not diagnosed with BP until they have an antidepressant triggered manic episode. This type of episode does not mean this is what to expect in the future with this illness, the illness should reside to be more of what it was before (which he is functional through), but with meds will treat the illness – taking the peaks off of his ‘normal’ mood swings.