conflicted and confused

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2006
conflicted and confused
11
Tue, 05-02-2006 - 8:12pm

I have been dealing with learning last month of my husband's chronic infidelity over the past two years. When I finally was done and headed to the courthouse, he requested one more time (again). I am a Christian, but have very little faith left in him or this relationship, yet I have agreed to try again....I don't even know why. There are constant reminders of all the women that he's been with all around me (work, community, etc). I'm having a very hard time dealing with this and alter between rage and great sadness, in between moments of attempting to forget what happened in order to move forward. I'm still shell shocked over what I believed to have been the "one" to learn he was a complete fraud. I feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop again. He's appeared to make some major changes this time, but I don't feel it and don't believe him still. It's very hard to have sex with him without the constant flashback of the things that I know he did with others. I'm in constant turmoil and don't know what to do anymore. I don't even know about whether going to a counselor will help...he says he "knows what he needs to do", as if he's finally been convicted by God. LBut what about me? I'm left with not knowing what to believe or do. Counselors always seem to come from their own personal perspective, which has to be taken with a grain of salt. Is there anyone out there who knows what I'm talking about or what I'm going through?

I appreciate your thoughts and caring.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2005
Tue, 05-02-2006 - 8:47pm

Hello and welcome.. you have come to the right place for some really great support! I am so sorry you have to deal with any of this. It is very hard to get past all the triggers and the sadness. I have been rebuilding now for a year and a half and it is still hard at times. I would suggest seeing someone to help you deal with your emotions and MC is a must. He has to show you with his actions and his words that he is truly commited to helping your Marriage heal.

You have every right to make what ever choice you feel you need to. You truly have to focus on what is best for you. The time of caring about your ws feelings has long past. I have made a choice to rebuild but I still struggle with this choice from time to time. Give yourself time and space til your head stops spinning. You do not have to decide right away and you have every right to change your mind at any point.

Please keep posting it does help to let your feelings out in a safe place with people who do understand your pain.

My thoughts and prayers are with you..
Hugs Irene

Yahoo! Avatars

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2006
Wed, 05-03-2006 - 10:36pm

Oh gosh!! Do I know what you're going through. Our stories and feelings sound so incredibly similar. I just found this board and will post a little background later tonight when the kids are in bed. But i would so love to connect with someone like you who is living through the same nightmare :( Let me know if you'd be interested in exchaning email addresses.

mom_gardner42

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2006
Thu, 05-04-2006 - 9:03am
Thanks so much for your message of understanding. It is comforting to know that there are others out there that are also struggling with these same issues and that I (and you) am not alone in this mess. If you wish to post your email under your profile, I would be happy to exchange emails with you. I know I can use all the support I can get to help me through this crossroad and hope that it helps you as well. God bless.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
Thu, 05-04-2006 - 9:37am

I disagree. If a counselor is really good, he/she will NEVER put his/her judgment on your M nor simply use his/her own personal perspective. That's not what counseling is about. It's about getting to the root of why your H engaged in the A to begin with, resolving the issues that led to the behavior, and helping you heal and rebuild your M.

My H and I had an amazing counselor. She helped us rebuild the trust in our M, helped us learn how to communicate and stop repressing feelings and avoiding conflict, and helped make our M stronger as a result. If a counselor is strictly doing things from his/her own experience, then that's not the right counselor for you. Our counselor recommended books to help us, gave us exercises for communication, etc. She never used her opinion or perspective only in our counseling. She pulled from many different resources. If we were struggling with a particular issue, she'd find exercises or literature that helped guide us in working through it. She was also very observative. My H comes off as being 100% happy and not having any problems or issues. He doesn't like conflict or anything negative. That avoidance was a big issue that led to his having the A. I loved the fact that she never let my H off the hook in sessions when he tried to blow off her questions or avoid any conflict. She made him confront it and deal with it. We learned so much from her.

I can honestly tell you that without her, we would be divorced by now. I was holding on to so much anger, resentment, hurt, betrayal, etc that I couldn't move forward in rebuilding with my H. I just wanted out of the M. My H also felt so much guilt for the A that he was always defensive, abrasive and also resentful. She helped us get those feelings out, learn to trust each other again and start our M over so we could move forward. My H and I have been rebuilding for almost a year now and are doing better than ever.

I recommend counseling 100% to anyone who has been through this. I just don't think you can rebuild a M on your own without professional help. If your H doesn't get to the root of why he cheated, then he'll end up repeating the behavior again when that monster decides to rear its ugly head sometime down the road. That's JMHO, but I firmly stand by it. I would say try counseling. You may be pleasantly surprised.

Hugs!
Pinkgirl

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2006
Thu, 05-04-2006 - 12:41pm

dr1ftwood,

you can email me at marianne_comte@hotmail.com

Looking forward to hearing from you.

momgardner

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 05-04-2006 - 12:47pm
I agree--I think a really good counselor/therapist guides the conversation to let you come to conclusions rather than "tell" you how you should feel. More like "why" you feel that way and what is the healthiest response. I think counseling is especially indicated with a chronic betrayer. My H has had 3 A's that I know of and I put my head in the sand early on instead of being firm and insisting on counseling then. We are both different people now. Until the betrayer figures out the "why" of his actions, I think it's an uphill climb to successfully rebuild. Lily
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2006
Fri, 05-05-2006 - 2:35am

Now I know why I couldn't sign up with "conflicted and confused" as my posting name!

My story is much like yours...from the time my youngest was 3 months old until he left when baby was 14 months old, hubby went out every weekend with his work friends. If I asked, or said anything, there'd be a battle. Anonymous phone calls from his co-workers informed me he was messing around with women at work. I confronted him - he denied it. Three months later he left me for her.

He insists he ended it with her after four months, she says she did. Of course, his phone records show him calling her 4-5 times a day for three weeks after he came back to me. Some of his calls were just leaving her messages, others were up to 44 minutes long. She said she quit work because of him. He says she's a lying psychotic b----.

Dumb-dumb me thought he just had a one-time thing...I didn't learn about the goings on before he left me, or all the love letters he wrote, or the $1000's in cash he gave her, or the jewelry and flowers.

I took him back because I love him, and I have an infant and a 6-year old. If I had known then what I found out after he'd been back for 2 months...well, no use in second-guessing.

We sold our house, he's trying to find a job out of state. Now, I'm stuck in the apartment he got when he left me, wondering if he's lying when he insists she was never in here, and never in the jumbo king size bed he had to buy when he moved out. He's lied about so much, and gets very mad if I say or ask anything about his affair. He says he knows I'm hurt, but I just need to focus on him and being happy. He says he hurts so much over what he did...I feel like he'd still be with her if she hadn't finally pushed him away.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
Fri, 05-05-2006 - 9:37am

Are you and your H currently in MC to work through this? I would strongly suggest it. You haven't worked anything out. He just expects you to move on and forget that it happened. If he doesn't get to the root of why he did it, he'll just do it again.

I also disagree 100% with your H -- DO NOT focus on him. That's his problem. He needs to have 100% of someone's attention all the time which isn't healthy. Stop worrying about him. You need to be focusing on YOU for a while. That's the first thing our MC told me when my H and I started counseling. By focusing on him and not taking care of yourself and your needs, you're just faking happy when you're actually miserable. You're not "solving" anything except to increase your anger and resentment toward your H. You have to take some "me" time.

I suggest you both get into MC ASAP. You have to work through these feelings and issues between you. Sticking your heads in the sand and ignoring them aren't going to make them go away. You'll just end up driving yourselves further apart.

Pinkgirl

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-01-2006
Fri, 05-05-2006 - 9:56am

********But what about me? I'm left with not knowing what to believe or do.**

The cheater always assume they have more to heal then you, what a crock of crap!!!Again selfishness, which is what led them to act immorally in the first place. Until you talk and ask quiestions that are bothering you, youll be stuck right where you are right now indefinetly!!!

*****I feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop again. He's appeared to make some major changes this time, but I don't feel it and don't believe him still. It's very hard to have sex with him without the constant flashback of the things that I know he did with others. I'm in constant turmoil and don't know what to do anymore.****

Every women here has been there and it sucks, sucks dosnt even describe it. You giving him a chance when your so ready to believe it wont work is very admirable.All you can do is try, its out of your hands and in Gods. I read another members message that said she " did want to get angry because she'd miss the blessing," what a great way to looka t at but, looking isnt enough you have to believe it with your heart too!! Best Wishes!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2006
Fri, 05-12-2006 - 12:20am
I totally agree with how you feel. They will never change. a dog is a dog and when we lye down with a dog we get fleas. Everytime I believe him again, he ends up hurting me way worse than i ever thought was humanly possiable even for him. He constantly manipulates me to where I believe he loves me, but love is actions and all his talk is good, but he dosn't walk the walk, it is just a bunch of shallow words that he dosn't even mean to keep us where they want us and will continue to play and do whatever they want to with no remorse or coincence. It is a never ending saga. Don't believe what he says, believe what he does. what he does is only hurt you. you are worth more.

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