Contacting the OW

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2008
Contacting the OW
11
Tue, 10-11-2011 - 8:45pm

Ok, I know your first reaction to this title is always, "DON'T DO IT!"

My question is: Do you think it's okay to send the OW something that says, I'm onto you, I've talked to my H, now back off.

I'm hoping my H will be willing to contact her and say this, but I'm pretty sure he's going to tell me that it was just some flirting, it was a long time ago (but it wasn't),

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2011
Tue, 10-11-2011 - 9:26pm
Hi red! So- do you know this person personally? Are you thinking that you will text from husbands phone or he will text her from his phone? Is that right? What have you read on phone thus far?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2008
Tue, 10-11-2011 - 11:06pm

I have met this person once. I also know she's married, but has a reputation as being quite loose and admits it, so I don't know if her H doesn't know or doesn't care - maybe they have an open marriage. I know from her FB page that she seems to really value her relationship with him. I just point that out, because if he doesn't know, maybe she'll back off at the thought of being exposed.

I just know that they flirted around at a conference in April. My H said that it hadn't continued, but on Friday he sent her an email with the subject line "You're pretty loose" then segued it into a business reply, so it was kind of a joke (albiet totally inappropriate). She replied, "You know me..."

Again, my main concern is not how far it did or didn't go, but that he crossed his self-imposed

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2011
Wed, 10-12-2011 - 2:04am
I knew my husbands xAP. she is wife to one of his x friends. We went out to dinners with our spouses, our children played together, we had a weekend away and even a pedi. I contacted her and I do not regret it and I would definitely do it again. The day after dday as my husband and I were driving back home from one of my sons doctors (out of town), she texted him and I responded for him. She was begging him to call her. This is exactly whAt I said: I think you have done enough don't you xbvcgdhb? I find you disgusting and I will forever hold you responsible for the part you have played in destroying my and my boys lives. I also sent her a scathing letter the old fashioned way a few days later. I emailed her a month post dday. She responded to my emails over a few days. I haven't contacted her since. My husband changed his cell number and sent her a certified letter advising her that their affair was over. I can't say what is right for every person. Since I knew her and her personality I had a feeling she would be amendable to communicating with me. I don't take every word as fact, but with her side I was able to put all the pieces together. I honestly don't know what you could say to get her to talk without proof. My husbands xAP husband put all the pieces together. He hammered her for four days before she finally confessed to him. He is the one that told me. I think she talked partly because she knew she was caught. I like your idea of him taking care of it while sitting there and then him deleting her damn number, but not before you get it, just in case. So so sorry for you. I have the same fears and that is why I posted "how likely is it you'll have another affair" to the AP's because they have to work hard at keeping those boundaries secured. You take care.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2007
Sat, 11-19-2011 - 1:42am

i sent the ow a text at 3am the night i found out asking her what i did to deserve this from her. it was a moment of weakness but she ended up responding and giving me the bullsh*t lines "dont know how it happened"

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2008
Sat, 11-19-2011 - 11:28am

Thank you for your input everyone. I DID end up texting the OW. She was actually quite forthcoming (as far as I know). My H had told me that their flirted had invovled laughing a iittle too hard at each other's jokes - which was obiously not the whole truth. So I asked her and she told me about their texting, IM's, and "teasing" each other on the ride home.

According to both of them, it never went further, which may be why she was as forthcoming as she was. If they had actually had sex, I can't imagine she would have told me. Of course, I'll never know what really happened, but I know enough for now.

She WAS quite apologetic, and said something as an aside which clued me in to another lie my H had told me about the whole situation.

Ultimately I told her to keep her hands off of other people's husbands and to keep away from mine. And she said, "I will." So, I got my say in this little part of it.

This is the second woman my H has been with where they both agreed that they loved their spouses and didn't want to mess that up, so they agreed to keep it as hush hush as possible. Sorry, but I just don't get it. At that point can't either of them say, "Hey if we don't want to mess things up, maybe we just shouldn't do this." Duh. I NEVER understand it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Mon, 11-21-2011 - 4:29am

I'm glad you contacted her.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2011
Wed, 12-14-2011 - 10:53pm

I contacted the OW the night I found out what my H had done. I called her but she didn't answer so instead I sent her a pm on facebook and told her off in the cleanest way I could manage. I also told her to stay the hell away from my H. I figured if I called her names and acted petty I would seem pathetic. At first I regretted sending the message and figured she wouldn't have the "balls" to reply. Well a few days later she wrote back giving me this whole spiel about neither of them taking it seriously. To add insult to injury she apologized for disrespecting me. I know it sounds weird that I find that as an insult but if she thinks that all she did was "disrespect" me then she is as stupid as she is easy. She also promised to stay away from my H which didn't last long. She kept texting him and saying she needed to talk to him. Since they go to the same school he decided to meet with her just to get closure. I didn't like it but he insisted. In the end she just wanted to apologize to him for allowing things to go as far as they did and told him about our exchange. I guess what I said got to her (even though my H kept saying she wouldn't care). He also apologized to her and that was that. I changed his number and she ignores him when they bump into eachother at school.

To be honest I think you should only go through the motions of contacting the OW if you know her. If she is a complete stranger to you it's pretty pointless.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2009
Mon, 02-13-2012 - 2:55am

I too contact the OW, 2 yrs after the A ended. I wanted to from the beginning and everyone told me not too.

Its all about him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2008
Mon, 02-13-2012 - 9:38am

IMHO, if you reply to this xow the demons in your head will rise up again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2009
Mon, 02-13-2012 - 3:09pm

I know in my heart that you are

Its all about him.

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