crazy is as crazy does
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|Tue, 12-08-2009 - 9:44am|
i was wondering if anyone here can relate to this. i am 1-1/2 years from D-day. i am hyper-vigilant and hyper aware. i am exhausted all of the time. why? because i keep thinking i should have known back then. keep thinking i missed a sign. keep thinking if i had known what what on his mind i could have put things in a different direction and he would not have done the A. i know it is irrational to be overly aware NOW as a reaction to what happened THEN, but i can't get off my own case. sure, it was his fault what he did, but i feel like it was my fault i was caught so off guard.
but living like this is driving me crazy. the only alternative i see is to "let it go" and just say- oh well, if he does it again i will deal with it- but that doesn't really work for me. i am not even done dealing with his last A, so to act like him doing it again would be no big deal is just dishonest of me to myself.