crazy is as crazy does

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2008
crazy is as crazy does
14
Tue, 12-08-2009 - 9:44am

i was wondering if anyone here can relate to this. i am 1-1/2 years from D-day. i am hyper-vigilant and hyper aware. i am exhausted all of the time. why? because i keep thinking i should have known back then. keep thinking i missed a sign. keep thinking if i had known what what on his mind i could have put things in a different direction and he would not have done the A. i know it is irrational to be overly aware NOW as a reaction to what happened THEN, but i can't get off my own case. sure, it was his fault what he did, but i feel like it was my fault i was caught so off guard.


but living like this is driving me crazy. the only alternative i see is to "let it go" and just say- oh well, if he does it again i will deal with it- but that doesn't really work for me. i am not even done dealing with his last A, so to act like him doing it again would be no big deal is just dishonest of me to myself.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2007
Tue, 12-08-2009 - 1:31pm

You need to be easy on yourself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2007
Tue, 12-08-2009 - 1:50pm

I am curious as to how you figured it out if he was doing it under your nose?


And how did he explain himself? I find that cold but you seem to have handled things very well. How was you able to do that?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2007
Tue, 12-08-2009 - 2:28pm

Well... I did not figure it out until OW #3.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2007
Tue, 12-08-2009 - 3:36pm
Wow just wow.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2008
Mon, 12-28-2009 - 11:33am
Just curious, Five Diamond...what is his "plan" not to let this happen again?

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2008
Mon, 12-28-2009 - 5:00pm

FiveDiamondWife, you have no idea how much your words have helped me today.

Avatar for pater_familia
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008
Mon, 12-28-2009 - 6:15pm

Hun,

I promised my shrink I wasn't going to wander around on this list, but I saw your post and I just had to say something.

"keep thinking i missed a sign."

My spouse talked directly about her affair partner, the other men that were flirting with her, AND she gave off all sorts of signals during the affair. She would talk to me about what her and her affair partners would talk about including subjects that had sexual content. I even called her once and she told me who she was sitting with (her #1 AP) and my gut reaction was to go directly to her, get her, and drive her home. But she talked me down and she came home a few hours later. And I didn't think anything of it. I totally trusted her.

That's what is so brutal about all this. It's a total betrayal of trust. We trusted our spouses to have a bottom line in their actions with regards to other people and they used that trust to betray us. Why would I care if she was "talking" to a boy she dated in high school for a few hours? I think that would be sort of fun myself. What I didn't know was that they were having sex between talking. Yeah, I really, really, really cared about that.

Sweety, you can't control him. You can't prevent him from having affairs. You can't! If you don't learn to trust him in some fashion again. You have to leave him. Life is too short.

Yeah, I wonder if I'm going to get blindsided again. But she now knows that ANY breach of trust and she's gone. But, as my spouse says, I have to express some faith that she learned her lesson. That does not mean I don't check and verify from time to time. But without learning to offer your spouse an increasing dose of trust. The marriage is never going to go where it needs to.

It sucks, I know! It is really really hard. They split our lives and our souls in two and we are just suppose to let it go? Yeah, as awful as it sounds, feels, hurts, ... you have to let it go. You have to let it go, not for him, but for you. Holding on to this thing with a death grip is a really lousy way to live.

I hope you are seeing a shrink. And hell, I really hope your spouse is man enough to see a shrink himself.

Thomas

I have 5 kids ages 16-10. Our D Day was August, 2008

What I'm doing to rebuild: Therapy, Books, Exercise, Forgiveness and Listening.




Edited 12/28/2009 6:17 pm ET by pater_familia

Thomas

We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2008
Tue, 01-12-2010 - 6:40pm

ooooooooooh, pater- i am so happy that you wrote back, even though your shrink would not be proud of you...


i followed your story when i used to be on the board more often, and i really empathized with you, and i really benefitted so much from a lot of the struggles you shared. i am doing somewhat better now- yes seeing a shrink- ever since about a week after d-day! and she thinks i will feel better about him and the marriage if i start taking time to take care of myself. like if i am happy with myself and in my own SELF, i will not have to worry so much about what he is doing, and not feel so precarious... that rings somewhat true, but i, like you, have a handful (more, actually) of kids and it's so much easier in the short term to be a martyr than to stand up and be an actualized person...


anyway, i just wanted to say thanks for being out there. it meant a lot to me that you posted. hope you're doing really really well!!!


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2010
Tue, 01-12-2010 - 10:01pm
He is indeed blessed with you, and you are blessed to be able to move on with your new normal. I hope to be able to be doing so well in time, though my Hs A was emotional and physical. They even lived together for a very short time. Thank you for your posts, they give me hope.
Avatar for pater_familia
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008
Tue, 01-12-2010 - 11:32pm

"limerence"

Can't help myself, must say the word ... I shouldn't ... but ... i ... have to say it ...

Woof!

ugh! Oh well, I let it out and now I feel better.

You know, my narcissistic side tells me I'm a well balanced and smart fellow. And then I read your posts, and yeah. You clearly leave me in the dust. I hope you are a writer. You should really write about our subject for publication. Hell, for posterity. Your family should really know what an amazing person you are.

Thomas

Thomas

We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.

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