crisis?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2009
crisis?
9
Wed, 03-25-2009 - 7:36am

My h is still lying.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2009
In reply to: fr1end
Wed, 03-25-2009 - 8:28am
Did you go into the issue of WHY he needs to lie to you about the candy, junk food, etc.?
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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2009
In reply to: fr1end
Wed, 03-25-2009 - 8:47am

Thanks for answering.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2009
In reply to: fr1end
Wed, 03-25-2009 - 9:02am

I agree that the problem is the pattern of lying. If he is not getting professional help for this you need to make a plan and move on w/your life. Go back to school and get some training in something so you can support yourself. You will feel less like a victim and more powerful and have control over your own life. Your H will see you as more powerful and may be more willing to help himself if he sees you as less dependent on him.

He is manipulating you- he has a lot of serious problems that are not going away w/out help. I am sorry for you, but you are the only one who can change your life. I went back to school and have started a whole new career for myself at the age of 51. I feel really good about this and I can make decisions about my future w/out worrying as much about the financial issues. I can't quite support myself yet, but I can see that this will improve in the future,especially when the economy picks up.

My H is now getting the appropriate help and already I can see a change. I am hopeful again, although it's a long road ahead for us of rebuilding. School and my new career direction have kept me sane through all of this.It's Ok to be afraid, but forge ahead anyway!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2009
In reply to: fr1end
Wed, 03-25-2009 - 2:05pm

Fortunately, we have a counseling appt. this afternoon at 4 and the lying can be addressed.


He says it is a bad habit that is hard to break, which I guess makes him

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2009
In reply to: fr1end
Wed, 03-25-2009 - 4:01pm

It sounds as though you are enabling him. Don't prop him up anymore. HE has to do the work. Maybe then you will see the change. My H finally figured this out and told me if I wanted to stay it was up to me. He knows he's the one who has to change. Finally after 4 yrs. he realizes this. But he is the one that came to this realization. I told him I would give it another go b/c for 22 yrs. we had a great marriage, but I could change my mind anytime depending on his behavior and commitment to therapy. He agreed.

You are highly employable! You could go back to nursing(maybe you need additional training) or you could teach w/an English degree. The health field is a growing field even in this economy(especially in geriatrics.) I am an illustrator and Graphic Designer and now I do all my work on the computer. I am thinking about doing an internship just to get my foot in the door and get more experience. I was also asked to volunteer and teach some computer Illustration at my daughter's school. This might lead to something as well.

Think about all the options and just take a step at a time. Reinventing myself has been a 3 yr process.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2009
In reply to: fr1end
Wed, 03-25-2009 - 7:10pm

At the risk of sounding stupid, what do you mean specifically by enabling.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2009
In reply to: fr1end
Wed, 03-25-2009 - 8:51pm

By saying it's up to me he means that I have all the power now in the relationship(which my therapist says is good.) In other words, whatever I need him to do to make me feel safe, he will do. Of course he's working hard now in therapy which i insisted ,and he's being attentive to my sadness and anger. He's allowing me to express myself w/out him becoming defensive. He cares a lot! He just means that I'm the one who's needs are most important now b/c I've been so betrayed.

By enabling I mean that maybe you are making excuses for his problems just like I did(bad childhood, etc. ) He needs to except his flaws and correct them. You can't make excuses for him anymore. My therapist was always pointing this out to me when I would do this w/my H.

You could also do freelance writing. There must be freelance sites for work ( as there are for art work.)

how was your therapy session?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2009
In reply to: fr1end
Thu, 03-26-2009 - 3:26pm

I read your post about serial cheaters and will answer there.


If it were me I would be satisfied with your h's reaction to your sadness as he is putting you first.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2009
In reply to: fr1end
Fri, 03-27-2009 - 10:10pm

You really need to take care of yourself first. That's what my therapist made me see. It's ok to tell your H how his behavior makes you feel, but you have to put a limit on what you will be subjected to. Make HIM responsible for his behavior- not YOU! Get angry and stand up for yourself. That's what made my H change. He is beginning to realize what he's about to lose and even w/ him in therapy I've told him I still may not stay in the marriage. This is truly how I feel. He's completely changed our marriage (which was really good) forever!

It might help if you find a female therapist. I think yours is male (if I'm correct.)