dealing w/in-laws who supported affair
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|Thu, 01-19-2006 - 12:24pm|
I just don't know what to do. I'm at my wits end. This is really eating me up and I'm afraid it will cause damage in R with H. Here's the situation (this won't be brief!) and keep in mind that it is from my perspective:
H is an only child. He is close to his parents and his aunt. He very much desires their approval in all areas of his life. He values their opinion above all others (save for perhaps mine, but I don't know that for sure).
H's parents have not liked me from day one (which they deny). I have always known that his mother did not really care for me, but thought I had a good relationship with his father. I always felt that I had a fantastic relationship with his aunt. Over the years, MIL and I have both made small attempts to become closer, but our timing was just always off I guess.
Over the past 2 months that we have been reconciling, I have come to find out many things that I wished I never knew. On the day of the reconciliation, I called his folks to "extend the olive branch." His father answered and proceeded to scream at me that I considered my H to be my meal-ticket, that I was clearly insane for talking about taking my own life and I needed to see a shrink (nice of H to let them know I went through this), told me I was rude for embarrassing H the night of a party he was at with OW (who I did not even realize at the time was OW), etc, etc. Basically, this man who I thought I had a decent relationship with told me exactly what he thought of me as a person (which was somewhere between a single celled organism and a slug). I was stunned. Never in my life has someone spoken to me that way. He brought up things that happened 9 years ago that I never even knew were issues (like the fact that my parents, his parents and H&I split our wedding three ways - FIL says it was parent's job to pay for everything... it was 9 years ago for God's sake!).
Anyway, I come to find out that H's parents adored OW. In fact, MIL met her and H in Savannah while I was on a cruise with my mom (supposed to be my H, but he decided not to go). I didn't even know about the A at that point!!! Then, they welcomed her into their home on Christmas while I spent the day alone (H was still denying there even was an affair and we were living together still).
Over the course of the next year, his parents and aunt welcomed them as a couple to stay at their homes on at least 3 occassions. All the while, knowing that I was doing everything in my power to save our marriage. His parents and aunt helped him in his legal responses during the time we were planning on a separation agreement. His parents even went so far as to send him information on how to hide marital assets!
The fact that his aunt,whom I thought actually loved me like a family member, was so quick to discard me like a peice of trash when OW came along really hurts. I don't know how I can ever trust her again when she says nice things to me. In a recent call with H, she said "tell W not to be mad at me... it was all your fault." She sort of said this jokingly, but still, own up to your actions. If you want to apologize to me for treating me like yesterday's news, then come right out and do it. Don't try to blame H for your actions (and trust me, this woman has no problem speaking her mind).
Needless to say, ILs hate the ground I walk on and the air I breathe. They actually seemed mad at H when he decided to breakup with OW and work on our marriage. They constantly use the phrase, "we only want him to be happy." It's like their get out of jail free card or something. If it made him happy to molest small boys would they support that too (don't worry, it doesn't)?
I understand they love him and want to support him. But they went beyond supporting him to actually encouraging his affair. I feel so betrayed by this! We often use the saying on this board, "if they're not a friend of the marriage, then they shouldn't be a friend at all." Well, that's fine and dandy with friends, but what about with family.
H constantly tries to take the blame for them. He says he kept telling them that we were getting divorced and he kept asking to bring OW to their homes. Fine, I understand that, but never once did they say, "maybe you should work on your marriage," or "OW is welcome once you are divorced" (or at the very least, once your wife knows about the affair and you have moved out). These people are intelligent adults. They should know that you can support a person and still love them without supporting their actions. However, they chose to support his affair.
I know, this is so long. It's really helping me to get it out.
Here's my problem. H would love for us all to have a great relationship, or at the very least a cordial one. I am so afraid that if we can't all come to some sort of agreement on how this can happen, then H will wish he was back with OW (because the SH had a great relationship with his family). What it all boils down to is my FEAR. I hate that H is put in the middle of all of this. I don't want that for a second. I truly want a good relationship with his family. I would never ask him to chose between them or me. I am willing to own my part of what was done to cause the strife to begin with, but they see nothing wrong with anything they have ever done. I could even let everything go that has happened in the past if we could have a good relationship. But, I don't think they want one. I am afraid that they see their continued dislike of me as a way to cause problems in our marriage so that H will leave me. I know that I construing an aweful lot here, but it is just how I feel.
What do I do? I don't want H and I to keep arguing about this. It has always been a sore spot for us, but it is now more so than ever. I am truly afraid of the influence these people have on him. I don't know what to do to combat it. Please help!