debating on joint c of oc. HELP!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2007
debating on joint c of oc. HELP!
Sat, 03-13-2010 - 9:49am

To shorten this as much as I can......My husband had an A about 3 years a ago. We ended up staying together and

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2009
Sat, 03-13-2010 - 10:26pm

i am thinking that you are struggling with the fact that your husband has decided to have no contact with oc. i am thinking that as you said, you are struggling with this decision since it goes against all you believe in.

i would like for you to give yourself a break here. it is one thing to offer an opinion on something and another to find yourself in the thick of things, so to speak.

more about this later.....................................

the insurance issue..........................right now the other child is probably paid for my welfare, am i right? your husband is paying child support and your husband does not carry insurance thru his job but your insurance thru your job is not in ANY way an obligation or right that she is due by you. ONLY and UNLESS your husband is remanded to pay for insurance would i then add the child to my coverage. but ONLY if that is the case.

my opinion only, but i would NOT open the gate for this womans demands unless it is absolutely necessary.

so often women like this one will try and blead the man and his family dry - not giving any thought to the strain they are putting on the marriage of the man.

from what you have written, this woman could end up being your worst nightmare - i am thinking YOU need to offer up boundaries.

my husband fathered a child 3 years into our now 32 year marriage. i did not find out about the daughter until 17 years husband was being sued for child support. he like your husband demanded to be sure - yes, he was the father. so, he had to pay for back child support. my husband claimed he had no knowledge of the girl, nor did he want to begin any kind of relationship with her. he said that the girls mom was nothing more than a welfare whore. (men, they will take the chance of breaking up their family over a welfare whore!!!!!!!!!!!!!) i too was torn, i felt bad for the daughter and yet i did not want her to be a part of my family. i felt terrible that i could be so selfish, but in truth i just did not want to deal with this issue along with all of the others i was dealing with. curiosity killed the cat, the saying goes, and yes i was curious. and so i searched on the web. and i found her. she was very obese and basically peddaling herself for sex, how sad. on part of her 'my space' bio she states that she does not get along with her dad. i have often wondered if my husband would have been a part of her life would she have turned out different. while i would like to say yes, i believe no - her mothers, her surroundings, the values she was raised with were all odds against her. i am thinking that if your h decides to begin a relationship with the child, along with that child will come a great deal of chaos and mess - not in the child but with the mom.

this is a very personal issue, and one that is NOT easy. i am sorry you are in the mess of it all, if only your h like mine would have had, at the very least, the brains to use protection. unfortunately the children being born under such conditions are the innocent victims, along with you and your children. i am sorry.

please remember, my story is not your story - but i wanted to offer it up as a starting point. hopefully others reading this post will offer up different views for you to consider.

there is much peace and happiness being sent your way in this post.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2010
Fri, 03-19-2010 - 8:30pm
Thank you for your reply. I thought I had posted back to you before, but apparently it did not go through. I have changed my profile name from verysadmommy to this one because I just wanted to try to be more positive. My husband and I have decided to go for joint custody of the OC. I have thought and prayed about it for so long and for some darn reason my gut just keeps telling me
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2009
Mon, 03-22-2010 - 12:20am

no good deeds goes unrecognized - you are a special person tkeal, please know that.

i want to share something with you that i want you to keep in the back of your mind. right now you are focused on trying to make some sense out of your life. you are struggling with many challenges. BUT there is going to come the day when everything is settled, when all is calmed down when you wake up one day and find yourself asking some of the very questions you were filled with day 1 of discovery. i want you to be prepared for that, prepare your husband for that as well.

the fact that he can say to you 'i wish you wouldn't think of this all of the time' to a certain degree shows he has NOT put himself in your place. what we he do if he were you? how would he feel? how often would he think about it?

tkea, we women, you as a woman are very strong by nature. i just do not want you to add this other child or all of the drama that comes with it on the list of 'to dos'. you must remember to take time for you, to do what is better for you, LOVE YOU - because you can always depend on you, no matter what. please hear me on this LOVE YOU, TAKE TIME TO TAKE CARE OF YOU, YOU ARE WORTH IT.

i wish you all of the goodness, all of the peace, all of the happiness life has to offer. all that you are willing to give to this innocent child shows the depth of your goodness.

your husband is one lucky SOB, i hope he realizes it.

i happen to believe that what we give we reap - i am hoping to read at some point a story by you of your new found love of you, and a new found happiness and strength.