Dilemma - Need some help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
Dilemma - Need some help!
Wed, 04-19-2006 - 11:41am

Our company has set a goal to break a sales record for the first week of May. If this happens, we will all go for a weekend with our families about four hours away to a city for a weekend retreat.

This is my dilemma - the city just so happens to be the same one where the OW is from. It is also where my H met the OW for a weekend during the A. (He lied to me, and I thought he was working that whole weekend out-of-town. He was but got angry with me on the phone and went to meet her.)

So right now, I'm not looking at this as a happy thing. My question is what would you do in this situation? These are the choices I have:

1. If we meet the sales goal, I'll bow out of going on the weekend retreat. But if I do this, should I bring it up with my H and tell him why I feel uncomfortable going? If I don't mention anything to him, he'll never even know about the whole goal and retreat thing.
2. If we meet the goal, then should I instead go with my H and DD and try to make new better memories?

I just don't want to go and have that ghost hanging over my head. We're doing so well. I don't want to go and have him thinking the whole time, "I've already been here with the OW" or have thoughts of the A triggered all weekend long with him.

My H has never honestly told me what happened that weekend with the OW. The one time he answered my question, he said he went to meet her there, but she was there with a big group of friends. He swears nothing happened. I don't believe him. I think this was the first weekend they may have had sex because he came home and immediately started talking about how he didn't know if he wanted to be married to me anymore, how he wanted us to separate for a while, etc. Something happened that weekend that he wasn't being honest about. I think he won't talk about it either because he doesn't want to hurt/upset me, because he just wants to forget it happened, or a combination of both.

This could all end of being a moot point if we don't meet the goal. However, I figure at the least this may be the opportunity for me to bring up the question again. I definitely have a legitimate reason too. The fact is that our company also owns a brand new property in that town. I have to go down there and stay for two days next month for the grand opening. This whole situation really taints everything associated with that town for me.I don't think I can enjoy myself by going to the same place that my H went with the OW. It WILL be painful for me. I think this would be a good time to talk to my H, share my feelings, and tell him I want the honest truth of what happened. After all, that's what we learned from MC -- to share our feelings, not repress anything and be open and honest.

Any suggestions or advice? I would greatly appreciate it!


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2005
Wed, 04-19-2006 - 2:18pm

I think you should try to do option #2 - go with your family and make new memories.

A couple months ago H wanted to go to a little beach town near where we live and spend the day there w/o the kids. Well, he took OW to this same city and I saw all the credit card charges so my first reaction was heck no! But, then I felt really motivated to do it with him and make it a fun thing we can share. It worked, at first I was nervous bc there were triggers going off when I saw familiar restaurant names and my mind would wander off into all the questions on what they did. But I kept them to myself and just had fun.