Do I tell the other woman's husband?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2006
Do I tell the other woman's husband?
19
Thu, 04-20-2006 - 9:30pm
it's been 3 weeks since D day. I love him - I hate him. I want to work this through - I want a divorce. I am certain that he is remorseful but I feel that her husband should know. She is begging me not to tell him. I don't know what to do. I am hurting so bad and it just won't stop hurting.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2005
Thu, 04-20-2006 - 10:42pm

Would you want to know if you were in his shoes? I think so. I asked OW what her involvement was with my H and she gave me the "just friends" line. Of course, my H had forewarned her and she was expecting my call. In my case the OW thought she was being smart and volunteered info to her H so he'd be on guard as well. She told her H that a former coworker's W was insanely jealous about her H (speaking about me) and that she was afraid of me (playing the damsel in distress) and so her H called me to make sure I left his W alone! I was taken completely by surprise and didn't say what I would have liked to say if I was prepared. I told him what I suspected and he didn't believe a word I said. Then she has her H call my H and they discuss me and my H tells OW's H that I've got a jealous streak that won't quit.

Fast forward 3 months and my H calls OW to tell her that he's confessed to me. OW runs to her H, again playing the damsel in distress role, and her H calls my H back. By now my H is so worn out he ends up confessing the whole affair to OW's H. By now, I had a bug put on my H's phone since I had no "proof" and so their entire conversation was recorded. Who'd ever think it would end this way with my H telling her H. If you don't tell him, someone will, maybe your H.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2006
Thu, 04-20-2006 - 11:10pm
No, actually I am afraid to tell her Husband. I am afraid that he will beat her to death and then come and kill my husband. She won't leave me alone. She is terrified that I will tell him. But right now I can have no mercy for her so I don't respond to her emails and don't return the messages she leaves on my cell phone. I did however meet with her the day after I discovered the affair. She begged me then but I made no promises (or threats to her). I am just so confused and hurt - you know sad to mad as hell in an instant. I don't know what to do? What do you think?
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2006
Thu, 04-20-2006 - 11:12pm
A bug did you say? Hmmmmmm.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
Fri, 04-21-2006 - 10:13am

I haven't read the other posts to your message, and I know there will be others who disagree with me. However, I think her H has every right to know just like you had the right to know. I just think about how so many people knew my H was having an A (or suspected) but not one of them had the balls to tell me even when I confronted them and demanded to know. It's not fair to him. He is the other half of that M. If his W has been unfaithful, he has every right to know that so he can make a decision for himself of what to do. He can't make those decisions when he doesn't have any or all of the information and facts.

Just be prepared for the reaction though. You never know what you'll get. Some are appreciative while others blame you or won't face the facts. Since you're a woman dealing with the OW's H, he might actually take it better from you. But you have to be careful because he might also target your H.

So in the end, it's a decision that you have to make for yourself. But if it were me, I would tell. If the OW in our situation had a SO at the time (which she didn't), I would have told him.

Pinkgirl

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2003
Fri, 04-21-2006 - 10:19am

bdrich,

I agree with married2long4this, I think the BS has the right to know what is going on in his or her own marriage, but I think you should give the OW a time limit to tell her H herself. How much more foolish will the OW's H feel when he finds out later (maybe his W has a history of A's) and realizes he is the only one who doesn't know what is going on in his own marriage? SInce you don't know the W's sexual history, there is also the possibility of transmitting STD's to the unaware H. If the OW's H really has anger issues, she should take appropriate precautions when telling him and your H should be aware, too, but that doesn't mean he shouldn't know. You can continue to focus on your own healing, no matter what you decide to do.

Good luck,
Schel

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2004
Fri, 04-21-2006 - 10:22am

If you decide to tell her husband I do not feel you have anything to feel guilty about. ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!!! I wouldn't care who told me, I just wanted to know! That's my truth.

Now if your struggling. I personally would email her for the last time with your husband. a NC letter. If she dares crosses the line EVER again with you or your husband you will immediately call her husband to tell him the truth. If she even says hello to your husband you will be calling her husband. When you say NC she better sustain it. That's what I would "probably" do. good luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 04-21-2006 - 5:49pm

I am always in the minority on this question. I don't think that you should tell her H. It takes away from the time and energy that you need to use to get through your own problems. If you found out, chances are pretty good that her H will find out on his own IF he wants to pay attention to it. So many people "know" but don't want to "know." KWIM?

If he is known to you as being abusive, it is absolutely your moral obligation to NOT tell him. By telling him, you are assuring that a person, like her or not, deserving of it or not, will suffer injury and possible death by his hand, making you an accomplice on a moral level. IMO I was in this situation. I, too, went through a period of wondering if I should tell the H or not. However, it was very clear to me that her H was and had been abusive for the 40 years they had been married. I could not, in all good conscience, provide him the motive for injury or possible murder.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2005
Tue, 04-25-2006 - 1:00pm

Hi bdrich,

In my situation I knew there was an affair going on but had no proof and I also knew that my H was doing all he could to "protect" me from learning the truth, as well as OW. My H is a "protector" and that's his nature. He felt responsible for everything and was caught between two women both of whom he was trying to protect, me from being hurt further by learning that there was an affair, and OW, bc he was afraid I was going to tell her H (I threatened to). I tossed the thought of telling OW's H but never did ... that is, until HE called me, at OW's prompting. It's not like me to tell just for the sake of telling, esp. if I don't have concrete evidence bc I don't want to look more a fool than I was already feeling. My plan was to tell OW's H as I made my exit when I was good and ready, and the timing had to be perfect. I didn't know when that time would come, all I knew is that I was waiting for the right time. And so I waited and waited. I don't know if I was looking for a "sign" or what, but I just never felt the time was right. Anyways, that time never came for me bc my H beat me to the punch by telling OW's H himself, which was absolutely PERFECT timing. My patience paid off.

So in answer to your question, should you tell the OW's H, my answer is a combination of everyone else's responses. The bottom line is to be patient. Let OW sit and pins and needles never knowing when the sky will fall. Play it cool and be observant. You'll know when to make your move. You may not have to as in my case. It may all come out in the wash, so to speak.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2006
Tue, 05-02-2006 - 10:28pm

Hi,

I chose in a fit of I don't know what to go directly to the OW's house hoping to find her there as my husband was working (supposedly) with her husband. What I found was her husband (who was my ex friend for almost a year now and we had not spoken a word since our last altracation)and not her. When I pronouced that my H and his W were having an affair he proclaimed, "No they are not they are just working together as I hurt my knee and can't do the NYC thing". I begged for him to listen to me in my hysterical state I must have looked like some raving lunatic. I gave him an email account to check, and eventually he called me back that night to tell me I was right. I am glad I told him, otherwise he would still be in the dark with his (and I know she was my friend first, very adventurous wife outside the marriage) wife and her unprotected sexual encounters. So, not to say I care about what happens to them and their marriage, but I think I did the christian thing by telling the other (not knowing) spouse the situation, and I would only wish, the same would be done for me.

Kathy

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2006
Wed, 05-03-2006 - 8:37am

Unfortunately, your situation is very similar to mine. One of the women I found out about, works with us and is married. I feel very strongly that both parties deserve to have the truth in order to make their own decisions for their life based upon the facts...not just what the wayward spouse chooses to reveal. Everyone should be given an opportunity to make conscious decisions about one's one life. Even after knowing all that I know now, which is staggering, I at least feel like I have some control over how I choose to respond. I feel bad for the husband, as I'm sure it will hurt. But perhaps it has been something he too has wondered about for some time and now will at least have some peace in that. You do what you feel you would want one to do if the situation were reversed. Would you rather know the facts or discover them perhaps one day yourself much later?

Hang in there and God bless.

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