do you EVER come to a decision?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2004
do you EVER come to a decision?
Mon, 01-23-2006 - 4:35pm
My husband and I have been rebuilding for almost 2 years now. I am ready and willing to commit to my marriage on a long term basis. DH says he is also but his actions do not show that. He often will counter every new purchase with "well if we divorce - who will get this?". He loaths making long term plans because "you never know what will happen".
I too wonder what the future hold for us but I also feel that we need to make a commitmnent that we will stick out this marriage no matter what...or let it go for good.He is not comfortable with that, saying that he made that commitment when we got married and look what happened.
Do you ever come to a decision or a place where you don't think about what "could happen?" A place where you can just live day to day and finally realize ten years down the road that you are still together - and didn't have to think about it? We are in MC but DH suffers from depression and extreme low self esteem but refuses to admit that so we are really in a tough spot. What really gets me is that things will go great for a while and we won't even talk about the relationship, then one thing will happen and he starts to dwell on it. It almost like if we can forget that we are having problems - we don't seem to have many but once a problem rears it's head - it's all over in his mind - the problems are too many to bear! I just don't want to be 70 yrs old and still up in the air about this relationship. Has anyone offered their WS an ultimatum? Either commit long term to this marriage or get out? Neither one of us want a divorce but he can't seem get past the "what ifs". Any input would be greatly appreciated.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2005
Mon, 01-23-2006 - 5:01pm

I haven't experienced this, not to say I won't ever, but H is the one talking about long term plans and I'm the one telling him we never know what lies around the corner. Its negative talk, and I'll admit to that, but I'm a realist after what has happened. But my actions tell a different story that I'm committed for the long term.

Thats strange of him to act this way 2 years past. As a BS, I find it alarming to hear that come from someone who has already shown they're capable of betrayal.

I think its fair to ask him to commit to the future since you have done that. You gave him a gift of another chance and I'm sure he's scared bc he doesn't want to hurt you again. But really, he has complete control over his actions and he knows that. Could he be afraid you will betray him?


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2006
Wed, 01-25-2006 - 11:05am

I recently found out that my husband has been cheating for months (we've only been married for a year and a half). He's begging for forgiveness but I am the one who doesn't want to make any plans. I filed for divorce. I still represent to him that I would like to work it out but in my heart, I know I will be leaving at some point. I think I'm afraid to let go. See, I was going along my merrily little way, planning on our second child soon, and I was blasted with this information. It is impossible to just stop loving someone in an instant. So, I feel like I'm stringing him along while I force myself to fall out of love with him. This probably isn't what you want to hear, I know. I just thought you might want perspective from the other side. I loved him and I cannot get over what he has done. I will never have the family I've always dreamed of - he's ruined that for me. So, until I can get the guts to leave,I tell him I'm trying to work on it but in reality, I'm trying to leave him.

I wish you luck - this is the hardest thing I've ever had to endure (short of my father dying). I hope your husband turns around and treats you like you deserve. I hope you will be happy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2005
Fri, 01-27-2006 - 12:16pm

I found out everything a month ago altho DDay for me was in 9/05 he gave the "just friends" line until last month when he admitted to everything, and I mean everything. I feel like you. I tell him that I would LIKE to work it out, and I do, however, in my heart I know I'm checking out. I just can't stop loving him the way I do just like that. You're fortunate in that you haven't been married that long even tho the pain hurts equally so bc you're mindset is on your future as a couple, as a family, and then wham, you get broadsided by a train and you didn't even know you were on the tracks. It can never be the same so why bother. I've been married 31 years and so there are other logistics involved such as finances, assets, etc. that I'm more concerned about than I am about us. Right now I really don't care too much about *us* because how do I know there is even an *us* that exists? That's just it. I don't. And I really don't care.

I completely empathize with you in knowing you cannot get over what he has done. I feel exactly the same way. Part of my detective work, since H denied to the hilt and gave me the "just friends" line for 4 months is I bugged his cell phone. Unfortunately this was after DDay and so their conversation was more about keeping me in the dark than anything about them. That is just as harmful bc they talked about me as if I was the enemy and they were conspiring against me. All the time I would hear these conversations I had to keep quiet bc I needed to wait until I heard incriminating evidence bc I didn't feel justified in throwing 31 years of marriage away based on phone records alone. When I heard OW ask him "have you told her anything yet" and he said "no, I haven't said a word" that was enough for me. I told him I bugged his phone and later we listened together. Then he deleted all the records. He doesn't know that I already saved them to my hard drive. I did that bc I don't want to delete them until I feel I'm ready bc I don't want to be stupid about things. During the entire 4 months I wanted so badly to believe him and grasped at anything to believe him. I didn't want to believe that this was happening to me. It's been like a nightmare that I can't wake up from.

I'm rambling now so I'll end now. I did want to tell you that I feel EXACTLY the way you do. I have the divorce papers but haven't filed them ... yet. I won't need an attorney altho I have consulted with one. It will be simple and straightforward. I feel that the only way to keep my self respect and dignity is for me to leave. Staying causes me to feel like I have no self worth and keeps me feeling bad about myself and so I know this is something I have to do. I'm doing like you. Forcing myself to distance myself emotionally and stop loving him the way I do. You have to do what you have to do in order to protect yourself and your emotions from further harm.