Do You Ever Have Total Trust Again?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2010
Do You Ever Have Total Trust Again?
6
Sat, 10-09-2010 - 12:41am

I don't know the entire story of my H affair.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2009
Sat, 10-09-2010 - 8:48pm

a couple of things in your post i would like to comment on - a different perspective i guess you could call it.

the fact that you were NOT able to read those texts - that is a good thing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2010
Fri, 10-15-2010 - 6:28pm

Good Lord Sissyjacks, So sorry I didn't mean to minimize a one night stand's affect on a BS.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Mon, 11-15-2010 - 12:16pm

It's awful to me as a BS how mean we are to OURSELVES, how we torment ourselves with thoughts like you have - why didn't I see it, are others talking about me, etc.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Mon, 11-15-2010 - 12:31pm

I think even when the signs are there, for some of us it SEEMS less painful at the time to try to NOT see it, not internalize it, and then we realize it was only a sort of stall tactic.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 11-16-2010 - 4:09pm

The short answer is of course not. The long answer is that if he works at it, he can regain your reasonable trust. I will never trust DH like I used, I will never, ever give anyone that sort of trust again, however, he has worked hard at changing those things about himself that made him vulnerable to an EA and has lives his life as an open book. It took him two years after Dday #1 and a year after Dday #2 to get to the place where he realized that if he didn't want to lose me, he better do some hard work. Five years later, we are better than ever and I trust him as much as you can trust someone who has cheated on you. You could say that I have a healthy understanding of DH's limitations and my eyes are wide open.

I didn't start to get over it until DH "got it" meaning he understood the damage that he caused, took total responsibility and worked harder than I did to fix it. Your H isn't even close to being there. Once DH got it, I felt like I could relax, I wasn't in emergency/ protective mode 24/7. I didn't have to watch my back and I didn't have to worry about that door between DH and OW even existing anymore. I could concentrate on healing without worrying about another discovery, another knife in the back. Given your H's unwillingness to help you heal, you are not even close to this point. How can you trust him until he trusts you with the truth?

This link is to one of the best letters to a WS that I have ever read. Use, let your H read it as it is or change it to be specific to your situation. It helped my DH understand where I was coming from.

http://members.tripod.com/betrayed_spouses-ivil/id38.html

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2009
Thu, 11-18-2010 - 9:36pm

you have to live for you, that is the key.