Does he have no concept of reality?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2004
Does he have no concept of reality?
Fri, 04-14-2006 - 12:16am

STBX called tonight, first time we have talked since Sunday when he ambivalently said that we should probably file for divorce. I was a mess and sobbed for days after that.

He calls tonight and is all upbeat sounding and friendly, trying to carry on a conversation with me. Asking how I am, what I'm up to, trying to talk to me about his job and how busy things had been,

 BabyFruit Ticker

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 04-14-2006 - 8:43am
He's trying to make himself feel better and less guilty. Lily
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2004
Fri, 04-14-2006 - 9:27am
Good for you summer! I am very proud that you stuck up for yourself. Hugs, Tea
Avatar for firstglimpse
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Fri, 04-14-2006 - 2:01pm

Nope ... no concept of reality. He is stuck in some strange drug & waivering in going toward the high or sticking with the stable.

I personally suggest not doing anything while in emotional turmoil. Stabilize and then make decisions. Make sure things are thought through and not a reaction to your emotions. Not stating D is not the way to go, it just may be, but make sure you're sure so you don't questions yourself later when it's all too late.

Personal experience, H often asked for D. He asked out of guilt. I did go to the lawyers early in the situation, but realized I was not ready to take that step and backed off and decided to wait it out until I was sure in what I was doing.

When H asked for ME to file D I would say, 'I'm not ready yet, but if you are go ahead.' One Sunday he called, very, very serious and told me to file. I repeated the above. He said fine, he'd go in first thing Monday morning. On Monday he came over to print some stuff off. He told me it would be the last time me or the children would see him. I didn't respond emotionally. Just an - okay. (Didn't believe him, but whatever.) On Tuesday night he stopped making/taking calls from the OW. (I had access to his online cell phone log.) On Wed he called me from a docs office & when he hung up said, 'I love you' for the first time in weeks/month(s). He came over later that day (never came announced) and asked what time he should come over on Sat for dd's 1st birthday. I didn't refer back to Sun or Mon, just picked a time for him. As he left he said 'I love you' again. On Sat he told me he wanted to put our family back together.

Talking of D, I think, is a way to end the guilt. It's not that he's finished with you or your marriage, I believe he just wants something to stop his pain.


"Only when we are sick of our sickness shall we cease to be sick."

~ Lao-Tzu, from The Tao Te Cheng
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2005
Fri, 04-14-2006 - 3:50pm

I totally agree. Men don't have coping skills. All they know is they want the pain (for you and him) to end. My H said the same thing "maybe we should go our ways" to which I said "you're right". Unbeknownst to him I had already seen an attorney and went to the courthouse and had the papers in my car. I was ready to file, as I am now, and wait to see if this is truly something I should do. In my research and thru counseling it was recommended to wait no less than six months and so bc of how I feel about marriage, not what H feels or does not feel, I decided to wait. In addition, my counselor told me that I don't have to feel like I'm in a rush to do anything and that time is on MY side. I didn't quite get the gist of that but I did as time went on. I so wanted to end it all, end the pain, end the hurt, end the marriage, put an end to this nightmare and divorcing this man seemed to be the way to do it all. But I didn't and we're still here. It's not to say I'm not going to divorce him, which he knows. Last night he says that he feels that one day I will wake up and a light will come on and I'll be gone. I sense that too. It's like I'm in a fog right now and as it clears and I get a clearer picture of me and what I'm all about and who I am and my own self I will see with great clarity what I need to do for ME, MYSELF, and I. No one else.

Don't rush things. Take your time. Don't give up on your marriage prematurely. Time is on YOUR side, not your H's. If you love your H fight for your marriage. At least for now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Fri, 04-14-2006 - 5:27pm

This is perhaps his reality, very warped. My ex was the same way. He would constantly leave me messages until I changed my phone number to an unlisted number, he was so po'd. I told him there was nothing to talk about he could do all communicating at the lawyers office. He hated that, he started stopping by, I asked him not to, all his stuff was out of the house, there was no need to 'stop by' he hated not being able to pick up the phone at any time and just talk to me. It irked him.

You know what irked me, for a man that wanted a divorce (my husband) he didn't lift ONE finger to get it, I had to get the lawyer, I had to call for all the appointments, he was late to EVERY appointment and he was even late to court. For someone that wanted to divorce me so bad he sure didn't try very hard to get it.

PS. I've read the other posts. I just wanted to say, I think you are making the best decision you can for yourself and your baby. Don't second guess yourself because others haven't chosen the path you did, if you feel this is the course you want to take then you keep taking it. I'm behind you 100%.

Edited 4/14/2006 5:31 pm ET by sniffle_sally