Doing a little better

Avatar for rob2sj
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Doing a little better
4
Mon, 04-10-2006 - 5:07pm

Hi
Just a note to tell you, because you have been life savers for me, during this whole time that I am doing a bit better. He is too. However I am being so so so cautious. He started his new job and changed cell #'s and didnt give it out to anyone at his old job. Then he gets a phone call with unknown # and freaked out, he let it go to voice mail and let me listen first he was so scared, he kept saying how would she get this number, I didnt give it to anyone at the old job and no one who knows her. Well I listened to message and it was just his buddy calling to say he got the new number and when are the 4 of us getting together, his buddy and wife and me and my husband. He was so relieved, but he got scared because she would call old number and *67 it, and he would ignore call or let it go to voice mail. This incident alone made me feel slightly better, because for once He handed me the phone immediately.

Secondly he is taking responsibilty for his actions, he is scared at his new job, but if he didnt do wrong he wouldnt be there now. He also keeps apologizing to me and my daughters. He says he was wrong to the whole family.

Third this is going to sound crazy but we have been trying to sell our home for about 4 months now. We finally got an acceptable offer, which if things go smoothly we should be out of here in 2 1/2 weeks. We put it on the market immediately after DDay, because if we were to split up I didnt want to stay here it is a large house, and if things did work out we wanted a new beginning. Well this is going to sound crazy but I think that a higher power wouldnt let us get an offer before because we werent headed in the right direction or werent sure what we wanted. Both of us are excited about downsizing. He told me over and over he wont cause me any pain in the new house. I know it sounds weird but we both want this.

Let me say this he was so resistant to counseling at the beginning, now he actually likes going, not only do we discuss our marital issues but individual ones too. I am a wreck with having to move so quickly and the couselor has helped work thru this. Of course marital issues are still surfacing but overall we are doing better. One thing I asked this week, at the beginning my H told me he cant talk to me, I asked him, do you still have a problem with talking to me, and he said we are talking now, we lost the communication somewhere along the way, but it is coming back. I guess he told me how scared he was to start a new job and before he wouldn't be able to tell me this.

Even though things are looking up I am still looking over my shoulder and certain things bring it back home. I had dinner with a group of women who know nothing about what happened and one friend said to me, you are so lucky your husband gives you everything you want and is so good to you. This brought it back home, because I couldnt stop thinking of what she didnt know. Also certain items bring it back home, he bought me a necklace while this was going on and I wont wear it, and he doesnt understand that the necklace represents betrayal to me. He is upset because the necklace is pretty but I cant wear it. The counselor says this is normal, to make associations, and we should return the necklace, and at a time when I feel more comfortable with gifts then accept something else from him. We both agreed to that.

Oh I forgot to tell you we are both moving in with my daughter and her husband for 8 weeks while we await the completion of our new home. Yes the house is brand new but very tiny, but we started out in 2 rooms when we first got married this house has 5 rooms and the house we are in now has 9.

Well thank you ladies, you have been there for me and I really needed it and still do. I am very insecure still, I look at him so differently, never in a million years would I think my husband was capable of huring me so badly. I still dont think he knows quite how bad he wasnt here when I cried buckets, my darling daughters were, and my in laws.
( by the way the in laws are still not talking to him .)

Well thanks again
Robin

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2005
Mon, 04-10-2006 - 5:46pm

I'm glad you're doing better Robin.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2004
Mon, 04-10-2006 - 11:42pm

I agree that it sounds like things are definitely on their way... good luck to you in rebuilding. I hope that you able to be happier than ever before.


Summer

 BabyFruit Ticker

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2005
Tue, 04-11-2006 - 8:08pm

Hi Robin,

I'm so glad to hear the "fog" is finally clearing. It will take time for the affects of that fog to completely be gone, so be patient. My H and I are doing a little better too. We can talk about OW without me hitting him, so I guess that's a step forward. I still don't have all my questions answered and I'm afraid to ask right now, but they gnaw at me sometimes and I need to know, I'm just not ready ... yet. I've been distracted with other issues with my elderly mom which my H is glad for, I'm sure, bc at least the heat is off of him for now. I did talk to OW and told her that I was having an affair knowing that she'd run and tell my H if they were still in contact and he'd flip out. So far nothing, but I think that was a nice piece of insurance for me. If they ever talk I'm sure she'll be happy to tell him so that's my way of knowing whether they talk or not since I told him I had bugged his phone and I'm not doing that anymore. I also told OW that I had his phone bugged the whole time, even tho it was only for part of the time, and so that in itself would make her think twice before she tried to make contact with him. My H confessing to OW's H was humiliating for my H and he felt like a heel, and rightfully so, and then the whole story was told to our MC. So my H felt like less than a man to say the least. That's what it took for him to come clean and for us to begin on the road to healing. Now H is talking about moving away too. We'll see. I believe that your house didn't sell bc you weren't ready and the universe knew this and so it sold when it was the right time for everyone. I just think that way.

Hugs to you and keep us posted on how things are going for you. Thanks for all your encouraging words thruout this whole ordeal.

<<<<>>>>

Avatar for rob2sj
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 04-11-2006 - 9:34pm

I am glad you are doing better too. I really wish we all lived closer by because this group is incredibly supportive which is something we all need.

I never met the OW, and I really dont want too.

Right now I am preoccupied with moving and I guess that is a good thing but it keeps me focused on different things. We have about two weeks before this house is sold, they didnt give us much time, but I am glad it is sold. My daughter and her husband are being so nice to let us stay with them till our new place is ready.

Robin