The Emotional Betrayal

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2009
The Emotional Betrayal
11
Sun, 06-07-2009 - 3:46pm

Hi,


My D-day was Jan 26/09, pretty recent. We have had the typical ups and downs, he left for a week, then came back, committted to 3 months of no contact. The 3 months have passed and he has sent a letter to her about a month a go telling her he would never contact her and did not want her to contact him ever. He has re-committed to our marriage 100%, says he loves me and will do whatever it takes to make me happy for the rest of my life.


So what's my problem? He still says he feels guilt over "abandoning" her. I tell him he owes her nothing. she is an adult who made decisions that she has to deal with not him. I cannot seem to deal with this emotional betrayal. As bad as the physical betrayal was, the emotional is much worse. I remember all the e-mails where he told her he loved her, was dedicated to her, how much fun she was etc. When he spoke about me it was all loyalty, integrity, respect, what a good mother and wife I'd been, etc. Basically making me feel like a comfortable old pair of shoes. He has made some effort but when I discuss this with him he tells me "stop worrying, you won." Somehow this isn't enough I want him to see me as the one and only woman in his life.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2008
Sun, 06-07-2009 - 9:14pm

I think a lot of this is a time thing. It will take him time to get over the feelings. But just as he made a habit of putting time and emotional energy and thought and putting it into that relationship, he will hopefully get back into the habit of putting it into YOUR relationship.

My H used/uses those same words for me, but I think he appreciates them more now that he knows he came so close to losing all that. Also, I am trying to be a bit more "fun," especially in the bedroom, and that helps too!

Hang in there, and keep us posted.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2008
Sun, 06-07-2009 - 11:36pm

May I ask if your H affair was a long one? My DH was involved for 3 years, was not in love with her but in love with the fact that she thought he was God's Gift. Just like your H I think he felt such guilt over hurting her too. She was very much in love with him he said and I know she had dreams of being with him forever.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Sun, 06-07-2009 - 11:43pm

I don't know about the others, but if my DH told me "who knows?" when I asked if he was in love with another woman, I could not live under the same roof with him, he'd simply have to pack some stuff and go.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2009
Thu, 10-01-2009 - 4:55pm

My H became the human shield, making sure AP never felt guilty, upset, or sad... He took ALL the blame, carried all the guilt for the whole A... even when she clearly took the lead, "she was doing that for him"...

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Thu, 10-01-2009 - 5:52pm

I was just reading a book last night saying it can take them time to get over an AP.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2009
Fri, 10-02-2009 - 6:00pm
i sooooo enjoyed your post but, and i am a bit slow (ha ha) - i did not get the cheesecake broccoli scenario.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2009
Fri, 10-02-2009 - 8:03pm

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2009
Fri, 10-02-2009 - 10:11pm

you know i wish i was younger - i would start up a new business LORENA BOBBITT REVENGE INC.

get my drift??????

i would be like this serial 'cutter offer' - a real robin hood for wives.

wow, is this me talking???????? ha ha

i hope you do not really feel like broccoli. and what about him? is he chocolate dipped strawberries or an over ripened apple with a limp stem? ha ha

no seriously, you need to start changing that perception of the woman you are. how we feel about ourselves is reflected in how we treat ourselves - saying my grandmother use to share with me. too bad, i did not follow her advice. if she were alive she would be kicking the living crapola out of me. probably threatening to disown me as her granddaughter.

you start feeling good about you, start taking care of you, and you will feel a change coming on. YOU start treating YOU like you are platinum, which i am sure you are.

why is it that affairs seem to suck the life out of us THAT DARN EGO AGAIN, i am sure.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Fri, 10-02-2009 - 10:34pm
That's pretty good.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2009
Fri, 10-02-2009 - 10:50pm
you make me laugh

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