Emotional Cheating?

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anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
Emotional Cheating?
3
Sat, 09-01-2012 - 11:31am

My spouse was sexting with 2 women over about 10 months, one in particular with whom he developed a very close relationship (we've known her for almost 20 years and I know he's always been attracted to her). He became very emotionally attached to her through sexting; social hours that involved a lot of partying, dancing, and a lot of conversation; and I'm sure many more get togethers & discussions over the phone, at lunch (they work in same building), etc.

We're trying to rebuild our marriage now and I'm hitting some walls. He doesn't seem to think he was really cheating on me and has also pointed out others have done much worse, and he still is in the blaming mode (meaning, I "caused" him to cheat, he's won't take responsibility). In our counseling I'm trying to figure out what he can do to rebuild our trust but one thing I've been very clear about is his needing to end his relationship with her...and when I made that clear in our counseling session he was on the phone again with her within 6 hours (I can tell by the cell bill online, but he took the time to delete the phone log of the call on his phone - not a good sign, I know).

I know I'll be posting questions and reading a lot here...but at this point I'm just wondering

  1. * Have any of you had this experience (emotional cheating w/o sex),
  2. * What did you or are you doing to rebuild trust
  3. * Did you have a hard time getting the spouse to admit or believe what they did was cheat
  4. * Once your spouse knows how you tracked them (like looking at email and cell), did they go undercover even further and how were you able to keep tabs? (I HATE keeping tabs, it's really stressing me, but I don't know what else to do)

Thanks...

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2011
Sun, 09-09-2012 - 5:44pm

Kerrchoo,

 

Lots of great responses here - all spot on. I was in the same boat a year ago. When I initially confronted my DH he acted as if he had one nothing wrong but did apoligise for hurting me. He was not even willing to contact her and tell her that I found out about their EA and that it was wrong - he just deleted her as a contact on his phone. After 2 weeks with the OW still as a friend on facebook I told him she had to go completely or I would  because I could not tolerate the fact that she WOULD contact him again unless he took action. He blocked her on facebook and phone and has not been in contact with her for over a year now. I typed up the letter and sent it to her facebook account explaining why my husband would no longer be in contact with her and she was responsive, contrite and has not tried to contact him since. I got counselling - he didn't - but I bought the book Not Just Friends by Dr Glass which I read - he didn't - and I laid out new groundrules for friendships outside the marriage which he has complied with. He's trying which is nice but some guys just cannot admit that they were wrong so from my POV, rebuilding the trust is harder. I still keep tabs on everything just in case and have not seen any further idiotic actions which is stressful yes, (the mind gets carried away with what ifs) but necessary for me since he never really admitted to wrongdoing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2012
Tue, 11-05-2013 - 1:39pm
  1. * Have any of you had this experience (emotional cheating w/o sex), --- Yes, my dh had a emotional affair with his single female boss, who claimed to be my friend. We used to do stuff together with all of our kids. 
  2. * What did you or are you doing to rebuild trust --- still working on this, as I just found out a month ago about the affair, even though I suspected it the whole time
  3. * Did you have a hard time getting the spouse to admit or believe what they did was cheat --- he still does not believe that he had an affair. He thinks an affair has to involve physical contact. An affair is going outside your marriage/relationship to get something from someone other than your spouse/gf/bf.
  4. * Once your spouse knows how you tracked them (like looking at email and cell), did they go undercover even further and how were you able to keep tabs? (I HATE keeping tabs, it's really stressing me, but I don't know what else to do) --- He has a personal phone (which I we share the bill for so I can see when he calls or texts her...which he hasn't on this phone since he told me about the affair). However, he also has a work phone that I do not have access to. He gave me his password but whenever I check it, all phone calls and texts are deleted. He could very well still be in contact with her and I'll never know

Thanks...

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2008
Thu, 11-07-2013 - 10:47am

Hi mom,  First let me say that I am not suggesting your D your H as I did mine.  My exh had an EA and possibly a PA (I  never found out the truth)  Like your H my ex did not think it was cheating if he did not have physical contact.  It took a counselor to tell him for him to even remotely believe it.

People in A's do not like to admit it.  If  they do, they have to accept responsiblity for their actions.  They don't want to look like a jerk, they don't want to admit they made choices that hurt others.  Many times they try to blame the BS or any number of things for their CHOICE to cheat, either emotionally or physically.  It was years ago but one WS on this board told his wife "the devil made me do it"! 

It believe it is possible to rebuild after an A but first the WS must take responsibility for their poor choice.  I would suggest counceling.  The WS needs to be an open book with all forms of communication, willingly!  Not because you are forcing him.  In actuality, many WS's do go underground.  Trust has to be earned.  It may take a very long time.

In my case my exh did not take responsibilty, he was never sorry,  he was sorry he got caught.  He was not an open book.  I refused to live my life looking over my shoulder.  What difficulty in the future would push him over the edge and make him cheat again?  He sat mute in counseling--he didn't want to admit what he did was wrong or take responsibility.  I do not regret divorcing him.  I knew/know I would be facing this over and over again with this man.  It has been over 6 years, he is now married to  one of his 20 something APs.   I am extremely happy again.  I learned so much about my own strength.

So the question to ask yourself is: What is your H DOING to rebuild your trust, not what is he saying?   Get counseling for yourself.  Hold his feet to the fire and accept no less than the respect, truth and love that you deserve!

take care,

Ollie