Encouragement for those struggling w/SF

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2008
Encouragement for those struggling w/SF
Mon, 08-24-2009 - 1:10pm

Just wanted to send a note of encouragement for those of you, who like I was, are struggling with rekindling your S life with your DH after his A. If you have decided to rebuild remember that S for men is like water and air for us (most, any way). You have to rebuild this portion of your M if you want your M to reach a level of satisfaction for you both. If you don't, you are probably destined to allow some other sleezy skankarella to slither her way into your M again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2009
Mon, 08-24-2009 - 2:38pm
I just want to take a few minutes and tell you that this post was the greatest I have read on here so far! It is so damned refreshing to see something like this after 2 months of hell since my DDay. I thought so much of this that I called my H a few minutes ago and read it to him. He even said "Wow, yeah, that makes alot of sense and it's true". Of course, he had an EA, not a PA, but it still hit home like you would not believe. The only way it got physical was kissing. Seems after 2 months of drilling him if they had sex, he would have confessed to it by now. He denies it and says he's glad it didn't get that far. So I believe him. Of course, what more can I do that to believe and trust if I want this marriage to work, right? Have to admit I love the names of the OW that you used. Also refreshing. There really isn't a word in the English language to describe women like that. They should have pitty taken upon them, really. I feel sorry for his XOW. This was not her first "rodeo", so to say. She has 2 kids by 2 different men and was just dumped by her last man because he caught her cheating on him. Whether it was with my H or not, I'll never know that, but he dumped her just the same. I want to believe the A ended somewhat easily and quietly. He said he hasn't talked to her since I found out. I want to believe him, my heart wants to believe, desperately. I'm still afraid sometimes, though. I want those fears to dissipate. He says he wishes there was something he could do to make them go away. I wish there was too. He says I'm the only one who can control those feelings and I have to trust him when he says it's over and has been over. He is trying like hell to rebuild, and I keep letting HER get into my brain. I check on her MySpace, I try to see what vehicle she's driving when I pass her place of work, I'm always looking over my shoulder in town, it's absolutely crazy! But I wanted to thank you for your post. From the bottom of my heart...THANK YOU. God Bless :).....Lisa
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2007
Mon, 08-24-2009 - 3:08pm


I want to tell you how wonderful your post is--honest and heartfelt, so it really rang true. You are a woman of honor and compassion and also a great writer.

I remember how difficult it was to bring myself to have sex and enjoy sex with my H after the A. One thing that encouraged me was a post on this site telling us to not allow the OW to rent space in our heads.

One of the first times we were intimate "after" my H looked at me and said, "That's the first time you've said my name in a long time." I'm sure it was true. After Dday I didn't know who I was or who he was. Small wonder I hadn't spoken his name.

Like yours, my H is a "good man who lost his way," and his A wasn't as much a reflection of me as it was of H's "flawed characteristics."

Yes, there have been bumps in rebuilding, but I now see the OW as a desperate, needy woman who had so little pride that she continued her pursuit of a MM who repeatedly told her no.

So we have taken back the intimacy that is rightly ours and enjoy sex like we did before the A. The A was what all As are--tawdry, dirty, and hidden.

Sometimes I like to play a little "what if" scene in my head where my H introduces his Skank to his parents, the church, our children. I can visualize it: "Mom, Dad, I'd like you to meet the woman I gave up my M and children for. I hope you can accept her."

Right! As if!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2009
Tue, 08-25-2009 - 8:38am

I also want to thank you for