At the end of my rope....

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2009
At the end of my rope....
14
Wed, 05-05-2010 - 12:59pm

Ahhhh,

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2004
Wed, 05-05-2010 - 2:35pm

wow out with your husband and all he talks about is how other women are on his mind.........that bites.

hugs.
I would talk to your counselor about it. Then i would tell your DH exactly how you feel about it. and that if he is going to keep it up then you wont be doing anything with him anymore. and stick to it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2008
Wed, 05-05-2010 - 3:28pm
Hi fitnessmom
I do think those 2 incidents are merely annoying BUT think that you have a gut feeling of things not being as they should or him not being where you need him to be
maybe you do not think he is a changed man? maybe he has not shown you the reasonable convincing amount of remorse and regret...
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2009
Wed, 05-05-2010 - 3:35pm
...I just didn't get the same thing from her post..."out together and ALL that he does is talk about other women"...

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2009
Wed, 05-05-2010 - 3:39pm
...I think you still have a lot of anger...I think that he needs to choose his words more carefully if he wants you to accompany him...
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Wed, 05-05-2010 - 4:29pm

fitness

I think that both those comments about the women were rude and insensitive. I also think when the men are out together that they probably say things like this, make comments about women and such. I don't think they ever grow up when it comes to this stuff. I think it's a boys trying to impress each other type thing. However, it's one thing to talk amongst themselves like this (and I really believe they all do this) cause I've overheard how they talk when the wives aren't around. But it is another thing to say this right in front of you KNOWING that you are going to be sensitive to this kind of thing because of the affair. My H will sometimes say " well she's an attractive woman" about some actress on TV when we are watching TV. Now I wonder how he expects me to respond to this after cheating on me (more than once) in the past. It used to bother me a lot more but now I kinda let it go in one ear and out the other cause I don't think he says it to upset me. I really think men are just STUPID when it comes (don't quite get the sensitivity thing) to this stuff and that may be all it is.
But you should tell him you didn't appreciate the comment he made, cause often times I think they really just don't get it. You sometimes need to enlighten them.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2004
Wed, 05-05-2010 - 4:44pm

i can see your point of view.

If he is out with his wife.....he does not need to be talking about other women. Especially if they are trying to "fix" their marriage. some things are just not appropriate to say.

Thats my opinion. some might take it differently. but thats not a good thing to say when your working on a marriage.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2009
Wed, 05-05-2010 - 5:38pm

Thank you for your replies.....I did talk to him about it but he just brushed it off, because he didn't mean anything by the comment in his mind.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Wed, 05-05-2010 - 7:41pm
That's the thing (empathy) they don't seem to get sometimes (besides the sensitivity thing of course.) You know it could be that he had a brain freeze and forgot you were there cause he's not used to you being there when he golfs with the guys. Mines golfing on his WED. evening league right now in fact, and I would sometimes just love to be a fly on the golf cart just listening in to the convo.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2004
Thu, 05-06-2010 - 12:25pm

HUGS. Its hard. getting your SO to even think about what your going through.

Try telling your SO this:

Turn the tables around. Put yourself in MY shoes for a few minutes. Describe the scene..... in detail if you have to. Use some really good descriptive words and add a few choice strong one just for the effect. and then as what would you do?

I have tried it a couple of times. It helped.

Hang in there.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 05-07-2010 - 12:55pm

I was able to let such comments go once I felt safe in our marriage. Until then, DH learned to be very sensitive to me and my reactions because I used honestly in the moment. If he would have said such a thing as your H said while golfing, I would have walked away or said something like, "There are women around if you are looking for them. I 'm gonna leave so I won't get in the way of your finding them."

DH said so many horrible and embarrassing things while he was in the middle of his EA that I stopped being afraid of embarrassing him by my comments and I very definitely called him to the carpet. The last really horrible thing he said was while we were ordering at a restaurant. When the waitress asked him what he wanted, he said, "What I want isn't on the menue," in a very suggestive way. Her mouth dropped open, as did mine. We shared a look and she walked away. I told him that if he ever made a comment like that to any other woman in my presence, I would leave. He didn't understand what he did wrong, that was how far up his behind his head was.

Now, he never, ever flirts with other women in front of me and he had to work at learning how to interact with women without flirting.

Yeah, I think your H needs to be a heck of a lot more sensitive to you and how making those sorts of references make you feel. As a matter of fact, tell him they are not allowed.

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