The endless questions/thoughts (kinda long, sorry)...

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2008
The endless questions/thoughts (kinda long, sorry)...
13
Tue, 02-28-2012 - 9:07am

Hello. I am about 6 weeks out from D Day. My DH was having an EA with an aquaintence. Someone I knew, but not too well. We have mutual friends, and she works for the same company as my DH, but different office location. Anyway, I confronted, 5 days later he partially confessed, then

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2008

Hi catdog33,

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2011
Hi catdog! I want to tell you that you cannot place blame on yourself for stalling recovery or getting back to normal. There is no timeline when you are dealing with betrayel. It takes months to years with ups and downs. You'll have a great month, feel you are getting somewhere, making progress and then the next may be one where you are filled with anger, doubts of H or doubts of yourself. This is all normal. H may want the process sped up or it to go away, but it is not something that can be swept under the rug. The betrayer cannot dictate the schedule for recovery. Period.

What I learned from my own situation is that H didn't quite understand the enormity of what he put in motion. As he was unraveling the affair and trying to make sense out of it and understand it, so was I. He also had to then put into words what he had done. He had to answer every question I had whenever I had it no matter how many times I asked. I can't remember or nothing were unacceptable to me. He remembered. He just didn't want to tell me. It took months of going over the "story" before I felt I had a handle on it. I also had to get story from AP. because I knew I wasn't getting the entire truth from H. When your gut tells you something is off or not quite right, listen. Because it is off and something isn't right.

Ask what you need to ask, ask the same questions if you need to. When you are as satisfied as you can be, you will stop asking. Don't rush it. Take each day as it comes.

As far as AP and your husband goes, it may take some time before he sees her clearly for what she is. My husband would defend or try to protect his xAp partner at first. He'd say things like, don't blame her or she wouldn't hurt a flea. I'd look at him in disbelief. Really? She hasn't Hirt me or possibility changed our boys lives? She has hurt her own children? She was equally responsible for the affair. It took them both to start it, it took them both to maintain it. Your husband and xAP both have soul searching to do. They both will need to take a good look at who they are as people, parents, spouses, etc. they have to strip and rebuild to redefine their characters. They will have to put stronger. Boundaries in place with others to keep the marriage intact.

I hope your husband continues to hang in there. I hope that he can see u and your children as his legacy. His family is where it is at and engaged with you all is where he needs to be. It's not about him any more and his wife being dolled up 24/7. It's about the two of you working together towards common goals for your little ones. It's about the two of you finding time for the two of you to keep marriage intact. It's also about each of you having separate/individual interests- but on a much smaller scale. Maybe for you it's a walk aroundd the block or a bath you can take ALONE! Maybe for him ball with his friends. Your H has his priorities a little jumbled but it can be fixed. You are a true gem to try and work it out. You are giving him a great chance and I hope he sees that for what it is.

Take care friend.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2008
Thank you. We never went back to the councelor. We honestly have been talking so much that even the councelor felt that it was ok if we decided to try to work it out at home. He said it was obvious to him where our priorities lie, after talking with us both, and he set up the 2nd appt, and said "If you feel you don't need to come, just give me a call. But, I will be here for you both if you want to continue". This councelor came highly recommended by a friend who used his services several years ago to help overcome her "sins" (I never asked the whole story, I figured she would tell me if she wanted to), he was very easy to talk to. So, I truly feel if he didn't think we were ready to go "on our own" so to speak, he would have said so.
As far as the sweat pants go...The funny thing is, I feel so comfortable with my DH that I honestly believed that he really could care less what I looked like, if I get dressed up, etc. He has not complimented me (until recently) for so long, that I forgot what it was like to hear! I don't take complements or criticism very well. I'm strange that way, I guess. I don't like to be the center of attention, but I don't like to be criticized or told what I've done wrong/unsatisfactory, either. lol He said I still was beautiful, regardless, but wanted me to do more for myself, for ME not him. Which is something I have been telling him forever, but he didn't ever listen! Most of our "issues" revolve around our kids, and our inability to trust other people to babysit, or feel like we are inconveniencing someone if we ask. So we have put our own relationship aside for their sake. and I have put myself aside for him and his wants (like hanging out with his buddies, hunting, etc) Our families are both over an hour away, and the few people I do trust, work during the day. So I have had to beg DH in the past to "watch" our kids so I could get my semi-annual haircut (yes, typically only 2-3x a year would I go), or go to work (I'm a vet tech, work very part time a few weekends a month). Meanwhile, he keeps bringing up the fact that he offered to pay for a gym membership to help me feel better about my self, but the hang up with me was again, who will watch the kids? See how this goes. So he felt as if I was ignoring his suggestions/offers, and I felt neglected because he never says anything nice, and never got to spend one on one time with him.
Last week I asked him what night would be our "councelling" night, and he picked Tuesdays. I said that is the night we will talk about anything that is bothering us, how we are feeling etc. That was last Wednesday, and I had one of those moments where I said that I just wanted to kick OW in her ugly face because the thought of her looking at him with googley eyes was making me angry! lol So my emotions are so mixed up right now. One minute I'm obsessing about the OW and how she could do this, chase my H after seeing our kids play together, and holding our little baby. After talking girl talk to me at a party, since we have mutual friends. I see a virtual stranger when I think of her, and DH sees a totally different person. This wonderful "friend" who understood him, listened to him, smiled at him. In reality, she saw in him what she really wished she had, just as her own M was circling the drain. They both were selfish. My H never had any "real" GFs before me, and he loves it when women flirt with him, it gives him an ego boost. He says he doesn't know why he let his guard down and allowed himself/her to cross that boundary. But he knows now, that one of MY biggest boundaries is that no woman, other than trusted friends and family, are to text or call him on his personal phone. He is not to give out his personal number to any woman I do not know. I had no idea he had even befriended this woman, it was all a dirty little secret. Hours of phone calls and hundreds of texts. I don't know about the emails, but I'm sure it was several. I could never have done this to him. And, I think thats why I want to know. I am a pretty girl, I have been hit on, a lot. But, when I get hit on, the first thing I talk about is him. I wish he had done the same. But, the OW knew me, so I guess it wouldn't have mattered anyway.
All I know is that he seems sincere in his actions, now. He says he wishes that he had never let it happen, but is thankful in a way because it has brought us closer together. Last night he even said that his love and passion for me has been reignited. That means something. <3
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2008
Thank you. I think he truly is sincere. And, I think you're right, he doesn't want to hurt me any more than he already has., thays why he says he doesn't remember. One thing I do know is that my imagination of what I thought it was like between them has been more exagerated than the actual confessions he has made/answers he has told.

One thing that he did tell me that irritated me is, when I asked what she said when he broke it off, he said that she "understood and agreed and didn't know how this happened and that I should 'work it out' with you" Ummm, obviously they talked about feelings because that statement implies that there was 'something' going on. And, I got annoyed and said "Well, wasn't that nice of her to give you permission!" Which sort of rubbed him the wrong way. Honestly there were those issues in our marriage before the EA, both of us feeling neglected or unappreciated. HOWEVER, there was nothing to "work out" until she stuck her nose where it didn't belong! And, even he agrees, that we WERE happy. We never fight or argue, have a comfortable life,we aren't rich, but we don't struggle. Every dream we've aspired to, we have achieved. We have 2 beautiful boys that are everything to us. Its hard even for him to understand why he let this happen with this woman, when he has everything any man could want at home. These are the things he has said to me. But, for some reason I need to know what she was whispering to him to lead him astray. I think I really need to know how low she stooped, how dispicable she could be, with no regard to me or our children. I don't know if its just because I'm still in the "I hate OW" mode, or what. I told him last night, I was glad that he decided to stay. I pretty much told him that I wasn't going to be the one to break our wedding vows, and that I didn't deserve any of this and it was his decision whether to stay or go. He said "How could I leave you? We have so many memories, so much history and so much love. I could never let that go." I really feel we can come out of this stronger than ever, but its so hard when reality and doubt smacks me in the face.
Thanks for your kind words. I wish none of us ever had to feel these emotions. Its so unfair and cruel.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
It sounds as though he may have just let his emotions get out of hand with her. However he seems VERY remorseful and that means he does realize he made a big mistake and sounds like he's really learned from it. On his part though he should be more helpful. If he wants to get you a gym membership he should be willing to watch HIS boys while you go to the gym for an hour or so. They are HIS kids and he is not babysitting ya know. My boys are just over 2 years apart, so I had a newborn and a 2 year old and it was really hard to take them both grocery shopping (this was over 20 years ago before they had the nice carts they have for the kids they do now.) lol My H would watch them if I had to go get groceries or a haircut with no complaints. So I think he should be willing to watch the boys for you if he wants you to go to the gym. GOOD LUCK
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2008
Thank you. I know what you say is so true. I have spent our whole relationship making sure he gets to do what he wants, not to nag, hold him back, etc. Not "making him" stay with the kids so I could have "Me time" etc. I sacrificed myself for the kids and for him, and what did I get in return? Cheated on? No wonder they say Nice Guys Finish Last, right? =/
I told him that if he truly wants me to do more for myself then he needs to help me more with them. That means that he has to be a little less selfish. I was always coming last, and he has acknowledged that.
FTR, our sex life has always been there. 3-5x a week, so the man has never been deprived. I just stopped really persuing him, because I felt ignored. I wasn't feeding his ego, and I guess thats why he had the EA, and not a PA? Believe me, I'd rather him not have had an EA at all, but if it had become a PA, I don't think I could have forgiven him. Because he is my one and only, and I am his, and if he had...well I think I'd always have that "I wonder if he liked it with her better?" floating around in my head. Nope couldn't handle it at all.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2008

Hi catdog33,

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008

You're not responsible for anything he did, for reasons already inside of him he turned outside his marriage to fix what's ailing him.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2008

Thanks. We had a nice talk last night. I think I've been triggering this week because he is at training for his job in another town every day this week. Just travel during the day and comes home, not overnight out of town or anything like that. The week I confronted him he was also at training, so I think its just bringing back those memories and how cold he was to me. He gave me a lot of answers last night. Hugged me, kissed me, said how sorry he was, again. Said he could tell that I was tormented and he feels terrible that I have to go through all of these emotions. I have a better idea on the timeline of what happened. I know now that she was the one who started this whole thing. She seeked his email out through the company, asking for his help with her resume because he is in a prestigious position and knows a lot of people. He said she mainly talked about her DH and how mean he is to her and her kids. He says she never badmouthed me, and he says he never talked about me to her, because he didn't feel it was right. The constant texts/calls lasted just over a month, so the EA was in the very early stages when he felt it was wrong. She was the first one to admit feelings, he says she never said the "L-word" but, admitted in different wording. He says that she felt more attached

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2008

This is wonderful news catdog33!

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