The endless questions/thoughts (kinda long, sorry)...

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2008
The endless questions/thoughts (kinda long, sorry)...
13
Tue, 02-28-2012 - 9:07am

Hello. I am about 6 weeks out from D Day. My DH was having an EA with an aquaintence. Someone I knew, but not too well. We have mutual friends, and she works for the same company as my DH, but different office location. Anyway, I confronted, 5 days later he partially confessed, then

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-1999

OK I want to know.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2008
Thank you both for your responses. I agree Ollie, I really need to keep her out of my head! Myra, its so hard not to obsess. I want to get into her twisted little pea brain and find out why she thought this was okay. I guess because she was so unhappy, and saw what she wished she had, in my hubby, that she felt that it was in some way "owed" to her because his attention made her feel good? IDK. DH has been transparent since the day of total NC. So yesterday I got that urge to check his phone. I found his "deleted voicemails" and saw a few numbers I didn't recognize. So, I listened to them. One was from her. From the day after D-Day. I was so angry. She sounded so "comfortable" talking to him on that VM! Grrr! Anyway, I wasn't going to tell DH but he could tell something was bothering me. So I told him. He says he didn't even remember that VM and must have deleted it right away. He didn't know he could retrieve his deleted VMs, so I showed him! lol He didn't even listen to it. He permanently deleted it.
I felt bad b/c he has been so sweet, brought home flowers for me yesterday for no reason. He was not mad that I listened to the VM. I told him that was the only smidgen of "proof" that I had. He apologised and then he said something that really showed that he does "get it". He called her a Succubus! LOL I just had to laugh. He finally gets it, and now I KNOW he is out of the fog!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008

That's such a good point, Ollie - that OW is NEVER worth all the effort we put into analyzing, wanting revenge, agonizing, plotting, whatever we feel we just have to do.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2008

This is wonderful news catdog33!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2008

Thanks. We had a nice talk last night. I think I've been triggering this week because he is at training for his job in another town every day this week. Just travel during the day and comes home, not overnight out of town or anything like that. The week I confronted him he was also at training, so I think its just bringing back those memories and how cold he was to me. He gave me a lot of answers last night. Hugged me, kissed me, said how sorry he was, again. Said he could tell that I was tormented and he feels terrible that I have to go through all of these emotions. I have a better idea on the timeline of what happened. I know now that she was the one who started this whole thing. She seeked his email out through the company, asking for his help with her resume because he is in a prestigious position and knows a lot of people. He said she mainly talked about her DH and how mean he is to her and her kids. He says she never badmouthed me, and he says he never talked about me to her, because he didn't feel it was right. The constant texts/calls lasted just over a month, so the EA was in the very early stages when he felt it was wrong. She was the first one to admit feelings, he says she never said the "L-word" but, admitted in different wording. He says that she felt more attached

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008

You're not responsible for anything he did, for reasons already inside of him he turned outside his marriage to fix what's ailing him.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2008

Hi catdog33,

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2008
Thank you. I know what you say is so true. I have spent our whole relationship making sure he gets to do what he wants, not to nag, hold him back, etc. Not "making him" stay with the kids so I could have "Me time" etc. I sacrificed myself for the kids and for him, and what did I get in return? Cheated on? No wonder they say Nice Guys Finish Last, right? =/
I told him that if he truly wants me to do more for myself then he needs to help me more with them. That means that he has to be a little less selfish. I was always coming last, and he has acknowledged that.
FTR, our sex life has always been there. 3-5x a week, so the man has never been deprived. I just stopped really persuing him, because I felt ignored. I wasn't feeding his ego, and I guess thats why he had the EA, and not a PA? Believe me, I'd rather him not have had an EA at all, but if it had become a PA, I don't think I could have forgiven him. Because he is my one and only, and I am his, and if he had...well I think I'd always have that "I wonder if he liked it with her better?" floating around in my head. Nope couldn't handle it at all.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
It sounds as though he may have just let his emotions get out of hand with her. However he seems VERY remorseful and that means he does realize he made a big mistake and sounds like he's really learned from it. On his part though he should be more helpful. If he wants to get you a gym membership he should be willing to watch HIS boys while you go to the gym for an hour or so. They are HIS kids and he is not babysitting ya know. My boys are just over 2 years apart, so I had a newborn and a 2 year old and it was really hard to take them both grocery shopping (this was over 20 years ago before they had the nice carts they have for the kids they do now.) lol My H would watch them if I had to go get groceries or a haircut with no complaints. So I think he should be willing to watch the boys for you if he wants you to go to the gym. GOOD LUCK
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2008
Thank you. I think he truly is sincere. And, I think you're right, he doesn't want to hurt me any more than he already has., thays why he says he doesn't remember. One thing I do know is that my imagination of what I thought it was like between them has been more exagerated than the actual confessions he has made/answers he has told.

One thing that he did tell me that irritated me is, when I asked what she said when he broke it off, he said that she "understood and agreed and didn't know how this happened and that I should 'work it out' with you" Ummm, obviously they talked about feelings because that statement implies that there was 'something' going on. And, I got annoyed and said "Well, wasn't that nice of her to give you permission!" Which sort of rubbed him the wrong way. Honestly there were those issues in our marriage before the EA, both of us feeling neglected or unappreciated. HOWEVER, there was nothing to "work out" until she stuck her nose where it didn't belong! And, even he agrees, that we WERE happy. We never fight or argue, have a comfortable life,we aren't rich, but we don't struggle. Every dream we've aspired to, we have achieved. We have 2 beautiful boys that are everything to us. Its hard even for him to understand why he let this happen with this woman, when he has everything any man could want at home. These are the things he has said to me. But, for some reason I need to know what she was whispering to him to lead him astray. I think I really need to know how low she stooped, how dispicable she could be, with no regard to me or our children. I don't know if its just because I'm still in the "I hate OW" mode, or what. I told him last night, I was glad that he decided to stay. I pretty much told him that I wasn't going to be the one to break our wedding vows, and that I didn't deserve any of this and it was his decision whether to stay or go. He said "How could I leave you? We have so many memories, so much history and so much love. I could never let that go." I really feel we can come out of this stronger than ever, but its so hard when reality and doubt smacks me in the face.
Thanks for your kind words. I wish none of us ever had to feel these emotions. Its so unfair and cruel.

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