Feeling powerful

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2009
Feeling powerful
8
Tue, 03-17-2009 - 8:18am
Since my H started his 2nd affair, I'm feeling strong b/c I told my him I haven't decided about divorce yet. I want to see his behavior first. I told him his words are meaningless. I haven't shown him any understanding , compassion or affection. I'm being very cool but polite towards him. We discuss everything about the affair,his behavior and how he was inappropriately justifying his acting out. Yesterday he told me was anxious but instead of acting out he just endured the anxiety. I said this was good, he didn't fall apart and got thru it w/out calling the OW for soothing. He is committed to therapy and being honest w/the therapist. He has unlocked his phone w/out me asking and is bringing home any receipts, or invites for business meetings to prove his whereabouts. I told him I know I'll be fine- for him maybe 50-50% chance w/therapy,grit and determination. i told him you have no family(an elderly mother and a sister who doesn't care about him) ,and few friends. I have created a whole world for him and he sees the reality of this.I told him his son would never speak to him again and his daughter who adores him will be crushed. all this damage for such selfishness and immaturity. He heard every word I said. I feel wonderful!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2009
Tue, 03-17-2009 - 11:59am
Good for you lizzie.

"If something cannot go on forever, it will stop."  Herb Stein

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2009
Tue, 03-17-2009 - 2:46pm
I just told him he has to leave for a month(my therapist recommended this) and that he has to get a
psych evaluation b/c I think he has character flaws and I need to know if they can be fixed. He said ok, then said," but you'll never take me back" and I said ," I need to know if you can be repaired." I feel so relieved that I'm not a doormat anymore.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2009
Tue, 03-17-2009 - 3:52pm

Good for you!!


How does one get a psyche eval and how did you find a therapist who specializes in infidelity?


I too feel strong when I remain cool and discuss the problem with my h.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2009
Tue, 03-17-2009 - 3:59pm

It's best to ask for a good therapist thru a trusted friend(especially one that's a psychologist like I have) and a psychiatrist does the evaluation on the 1st one or two visits. My therapist just happens to work down the hall from this infidelity specialist. You can probably ask your physician ,too.

We haven't told our kids yet. Our 19 yr old is in college and since this is just a separation for a month, we probably won't tell him. We will just tell our 14 yr old that we're having some difficulties and need a little time apart. But we will probably meet for dinner and talk a few times a week anyway to discuss our thoughts . We don't have a contentious relationship- that's why this is so heartbreaking for us.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Tue, 03-17-2009 - 5:14pm
You're being intelligent!!!

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2009
Wed, 03-18-2009 - 8:24am

Thanks for your insight. He went to his therapist yesterday and told me he learned that affairs are not real, that he was acting out b/c he had no self awareness of his selfish need for attention. He feels empty inside b/c he never had many friends and never had the opportunity to develop the social skills to make friends or date. I'm going to my therapist to discuss the separation. i want him to understand the consequences of what he's done, but he is finally starting to talk w/me and understand his flaws and admit and correct them. If he's out of the house(so we can cool off and he understands the consequences) then it will be difficult to talk spontaneously. I told him his behavior will temper my anger.

My therapist says this is not a decision we have to make immediately, we can take our time and see how we feel about a separation. his therapist is not for the separation and says I can come in and discuss it. She feels that being together gives us the chance to rebuild.

For the 1st time he's doing what I ask. Therapy for as long as I say(or the therapist) not when he thinks he's done and he'll meet w/my therapist who can easily judge if he's being sincere.

I still have the final power on all decisions- he says whatever I want to do is OK w/him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2009
Wed, 03-18-2009 - 11:02am

It sounds like you are using your head.


One problem with him being out of the house is that you lose the chance to watch him closely, body language, etc., which will tell you a lot about how he is processing things.


His therapist sounds good.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2009
Wed, 03-18-2009 - 11:08am

Thank you so much for that advice! I will be speaking w/his therapist today. He told me she said he does have a moral compass. At least that's what he tells me.

I think it's true that if he's around the house, I can observe his behavior.

The depth of my sadness is indescribable.. for me and everyone on this board.