Feeling unwanted

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2006
Feeling unwanted
Mon, 05-15-2006 - 8:30am
Ever feel like you'll never win?For me, everyday, it seems.
I broke-up a fling between my W and the OG, over two months ago.I had tryed to stop it twice before, but she lied about it being over.I finally got somwhat physical with him, and that seems to have stopped it.I can't blame her entirely, because of something I started with her years ago.She told me about this one and I asked her to stop because I couldn't handle it.It was afecting me physicaly.She said she didn't want to,then I started interfearing after that.I think it's not going on ,now,I have a way of checking,somewhat.The problem is now that, since then I don't feel she wants me.Have had sex only a few times since then.When we have talked about it, she has said,on more then one ocasion, that she would not be able to say no to him if they were to talk for any reason.She said she will NOT call him,.but I don't think the same thing holds true for him.I've known him since highschool.He's always been a snake and he's married too.It's a small area.There,s a good chance that they'll cross paths , sooner or later.She had said the usuall, that she wanted us both.Since he's not presently in the picture now,I feel that her feelings tward me have changed, even though she says they haven't.I don't feel like she wants me.I expected this at first,--the "greaving time", but things still don't seem to have changed a hole lot.She says that it's not me,it's her and how she feels about herself.I still love her as much,if not more then I did.We've been married for 21 years and have a 13 year old daughter.It's been hard at times, to keep this from her ears.Been to counceling sme, but not much help there, it seems.It's got me so depressed any more, that if I had another women to go to, I would jump right in her arms, just to help me forget about my miserey.I wonder if things will ever get better.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2005
Mon, 05-15-2006 - 10:41am

Messedup - I'm so sorry you're wife can't make a choice. I want to give you some perspective since you're emotionally in pretty deep with her and its hard to see this.

When she says its not you, its her, believe her. You can threaten the OG and keep him away but the problem still exists in her. If she wants to save the marriage there's a lot more work on her part. Rebuilding can't be one-sided. Marriage and indiv therapy is highly advised for both of you. Sometimes it takes months before the WS can understand why they strayed in the first place. But if a WS isn't willing to commit to making the marriage work, then no amount of work on your side is going to change her. The pain of waiting and feeling unwanted is worse than the pain of separating. If you remove yourself from the relationship you'll start to see this too. When rebuilding is sincere you'll notice. Your wife will be doing everything she can to help fix this and strengthen the marriage.

Again, I very much recommend therapy for yourself if you're not already in it. You need support and guidance right now so you can gain back control of your life. You need some help with your thinking right now bc you're placing too much responsibility for her actions on yourself. You're a good person and you don't deserve this, no matter what happened to your marriage in the past.