Find myslef in a weird place

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Find myslef in a weird place
Tue, 01-10-2006 - 4:34pm

I feel like I am loosing my ever loving mind! Things have been going well between dh and I lately. I have been working VERY, VERY hard not to dwell on the A and push any thoughts of it from my mind (which I must say is EXHAUSTING at times!) and DH and I have been really enjoying eachothers company and it has been really nice. I still have a big problem with mental images suddenly popping in my mind when I least expect it. I don't know why this happens to me. I could be cleaning the house or making dinner and suddenly the image of them screwing eachother will flash in my head! I HATE it. I try to push it out as fast as possible but it leaves me feeling crappy, physically ill and wanting to burst into tears. Why can't I stop these images? It is frustrating and defeating feeling to me and makes me want to give up and run away sometimes. I am trying to not obsess and dwell and work on ME and this crap just keeps coming back. Does it ever end?

My weird thing right now is that I find myslef thinking a lot about wanting the attention of other men. I think of how wonderful it would be to have someone else find me intersting and attractive and to feel desired and wanted by someone who hasn't betrayed me or caused me so much pain. I don't get this!I don't want to have an affair and hurt my family and I can not beleive that these thoughts go through my head!!! What is wrong with me? I seriously feel like I am going crazy at times.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2005
Tue, 01-10-2006 - 5:23pm


I'm sorry you can't get the images out of your head. I know how terrible that can be. I also think it's very common. I know that for me, sometimes it's easier to push the images aside and other times, especially when I wake from a dream at night, they stay with me for a really long time. First, I would say to try not beat yourself up so much. Second, keep doing what you're doing by recognizing that the image has popped into your head and then trying to just let it go. I often heard people say that visualizing a giant, flashing red stop sign helps; or snapping a rubber band you keep around your wrist. Perhaps, you could even try some light hypnotherapy. I know my IC does this and it really helped me with my panic attacks.

As for wanting the attention of other men, try to recognize it for what it is on a deeper level. Perhaps your husband isn't giving you the type of attention you need. Have you read the 5 Love Languages? This is a great book for helping people to understand that we all show and understand love in different ways. Also, if you're not in IC, I would strongly suggest giving it a try - it really helps.

good luck, bbalm

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2004
Wed, 01-11-2006 - 8:41am

It's ironic how minds can think so differently. I didn't obsess to much on the images of them having sex. If i thought of my husband and his OW it was usually eating lunch or walking together to a place and I constantly imagine the thoughts or feelings that were going thru my husband or his whore for that matter. The images haven't stopped for me but they certainly are far and fewer in between. And when they do I am usually able to blow it away.

As for the attention of other men. Very normal and I believe common. In fact when I kicked my husband out one of the things I had to tell him was I no longer felt i could be faithful to him. I struggled with those thoughts personally for a long time and when I went out during our seperation I flirted, you betcha. But when men would ask me to dance, I found it disgusting. It really helped me with a light bulb moment and just added fury at the time. I was completely disgusted with the thought of another man touching man but yet my husband could not find an ounce of morals in him. So during my really angry stages I would go back to questioning my ability to stay faithful even though I ALREADY knew the answer to that. I knew when it came down to it there was no way I could cheat on my husband. My husband meeting my needs really helped also. It made me feel so much love for him that it wiped those thoughts out of my mind. And another thing is I realized my husband felt that he deserved to be punished. I didn't like it but I gathered by our conversations that he expected me to cheat on him also and he was going to forgive me. YOUR FEELINGS ARE NORMAL... hugs, tea

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 01-11-2006 - 6:30pm

I went through a period of panic attacks too. Ironically, they began at the same time that DH's A started (even though I had no clue about the A until about a month later). Now I just deal more with anxiety attacks instead of full blown panic attacks. They really do suck don't they?

I am actually in IC and I agree, it is VERY helpful.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 01-11-2006 - 6:42pm

I know when DH almost left skid marks moving out when I told him to leave (even though I was secretly hoppig he would want to stay) I went and looked for apartments and registered at I figured he was done with me and our life and I was going to move on. WOW! I was shocked how quick you get emails from guys looking to "hook up!" Obviously I never got together with any of these guys but it was almost a little creepy.

DH actually is doing a great job of trying to meet my emotional needs. He is loving, affectionate and very complimentary to me. I would never want him to stop doing or sayng the things he does becuase it does help very much, but at times, the words seem hollow. He will say something to me and I will think "Yeah and I am sure he said the same thing to the OW", especially if it is sexual at all in nature. His words don't feel as special as they once did and it is hard. I actually feel jealous that he got to experince the "rush" and excitemnt of a new realtionship and that feeling that someone is interested in you (even though I know she was MUCH more interested in the fact that she got off on the thrill of him being married!) He gave her "my" specialness that belonged to me and now I will never have that back from him. That feeling he gave me is what I cherished the absolute most between us and in our realationship and its gone and I think I just want SOMEONE to give it back to me. Pretty pathetic I know.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2005
Thu, 01-12-2006 - 12:40am


I feel just like you. I want to be made to feel special again and I don't see that happening with my H. He gave that away. When H was feeling at his lowest, after he confessed to OW (by way of OW's H) the truth just came gushing out. I bluffed and told him that OW told me that they had oral sex. At first he was going to deny it, but then he admitted it and said she performed OS on him in her car while he was on the passenger side. He said they were kissing and she went down on him. I asked if he performed OS on her and he said hell no, but my gut feels uneasy about that one. Maybe it's bc if it is true I don't think I can get over that or maybe it's bc the thought makes me want to throw up. I find that I love the attention of other men, which I've always just brushed off and ignored. Now I play with it and find myself being very flirtatious. What's so bad about the whole thing is that I'm actually loving it when in the past it would disgust me. When I was a teenager that was a problem for me which I didn't realize until later in life. I have always been happy with the attention of my H and NEVER even remotely liked the attention of other men. Now that this has happened I think I can easily find myself getting swept away by the sweet talk of another man, only I'm much older and I KNOW better in my mind and am more sensitive to consequences of actions than I would have been if I was younger. It doesn't negate the fact that male attention FEELS good and that I enjoy it immensely which tells me a lot about myself, that I'm hurting inside and feeling VERY vulnerable.

Am going to IC which is helping and am immersing myself in my work. I just wish men were not my weakness at this time. I'm out of town right now and I'm on my way to the top of the hotel to have a drink (or two).