First couples counseling session was dissappointing and I'm not sure how to feel about it

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-11-2000
First couples counseling session was dissappointing and I'm not sure how to feel about it
10
Tue, 03-06-2012 - 8:20am

So we finally got our first couples counseling session yesterday with our marriage counselor.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2008

Hi dreamtwin1,

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2005

I am far from an expert, I tried to make this short, but I can't.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008

We really didn't go to counseling, but In my opinion IF he is really sincere about rebuilding the marriage, then he should understand that he does need to check in if he's going to be late or out for the day or evening. He does need to be transparent with his phone/computer/facebook etc. In fact I told my H that if there was going to be any code locking of any personal devices that there will always be that feeling for me of him NOT being transparent. And the way I see it MY computer, cell phone etc. all lay around unlocked. Why would I care if he needs to use my phone or computer unless there's something on those devices I don't want him to see. And it's like Dr. Phil says " it's whatever the BS needs for as long as it takes to rebuild the trust" So I totally disagree with your counselor about expecting you to immediately give him back your trust. You need what YOU need to feel trusting again, not what the counselor feels you should have. I think this whole betrayal business is just something one can't really understand the feelings that come with it until it happens to them. I also think I've received a lot more good advice on this board than I ever would have received from talking to a counselor who has not been in my shoes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008

I agree about checking other therapists, MARRIAGE counselors specifically, because I also agree it's pretty ludicrous for anyone to be telling someone to just go on blind faith and TRUST right off the bat.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-11-2000

Thanks everyone for your replies. I just needed some reassurance that I wasn't wrong in feeling this way. Our DD was August 1st, well it started taht day and continued for the week with me finding out more and more about just what happened. So its been 7 months, but I don't feel he has been trrying his hardest to reassure me. It feels he does just enough to get by. Part of the reason for counseling. We first went to a free counselor provided by a local church, she had some good ideas, told him he needed to be transparent etc. But she was also hugely biased against him and didn't try to hide it. After that he had his appendix removed and was off work for a while so he was home all the time and I knew where he was etc. It made things easier. But it still felt like I was doing all the work trying to fix our marriage and he was only putting in enough to get by. This bothers me. I want him to show he will do everythign possible. I need reassured that he truly loves me. He is a quiet person, doesn't like to talk about his feelings or show them in any

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008

And I'd also guess that her counselor has never been betrayed by her H either. That trust can take years to come back, and even then it will never be at the level is was before you found out about the cheating.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2008

(((dreamtwin1)))

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008

I'm betting you are right on target that she's never been betrayed.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
I don't think 7 months is near enough time for you to have gotten over it and expect that trust to have come back. And if you don't feel he is doing enough to reassure you, then that doesn't help it along either. He needs to understand what you need and try a lot harder to give that to you. Maybe he's just not capable of that. If not you'll have to decide whether you can really rebuild with him.


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2012

Wow, I can't not even imagine if our therapist had told me I needed to trust my H after I found out about his A, I may have smacked him! My H and I do individual and marriage counseling, however we are not seeing a marriage counsler we have a