First session of MC today

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
First session of MC today
4
Mon, 01-30-2006 - 9:43pm

This afternoon, we had our first session with the MC. I appreciated her style. Since I've done so much therapy before, I can say that with some confidence.

One thing that bothered me was that she didn't seem to understand my need to have dh tell OW what he has been telling me, that the whole thing was him trying to make her feel better so that she wouldn't commit suicide, that he never loved her. WOuldn't it be natural for me to feel that it's important that she not believe that she was taking my place for that year? Am I vindictive person for wanting that? Is there something wrong with that in general? I don't get it. I don't want her to feel suicidal because I ask him to do that, which is clearly a possibility as I have read her emails and see this. On the other hand, it isn't fair to me to have her believe that she was, in essence, the most important person in his life for that year. Any input on this would be helpful.

She did understand more of how I felt as the session went forward because she began to get more of my background. She told us that we clearly both process things differently.

She told dh that it was important for me, and him too, to figure out what he got out of what he did. That there was something more than the Sir Gallahad thing going on. Well, I've known that, but he disputed it. I can't see how anyone could possibly say all the things he said without SOME emotional attachment besides that of "an old friend in trouble." She was clear in that it is important for ME to see this process happen, for me to see why this happened, and that it will, hopefully, keep it from happening again.

She was positive about our marriage. She felt that we were both VERY committed to our marriage and each other. We aren't hanging by a thread. She said that I must have SOME trust left in him or I would not have been there today. She said that I mostly have lost faith in him.

We go again next week. Not sure what that will bring, but feeling more positive.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 01-31-2006 - 8:02am
I wouldn't want my H having any contact with the OW to tell her anything. I think dwelling on the OW and what she thinks takes away from working on the relationship with your H. She's history--leave here there. Lily
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Tue, 01-31-2006 - 8:40am

First of all, this is about you and your husband not the OW. Second, the first session of therapy is really an exploratory opportunity, your therapist isn't going to tell anyone to do anything.

I doubt your therapist is going to encourage your husband to make any calls to the OW, especially if OW is suicidal. I can just see OW jumping off a cliff and surviving just long enough to sue the pants off therapist for suggesting your husband call her with crushing information in her fragile state of mind.

It doesn't matter what OW believes or doesn't believe.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 01-31-2006 - 8:20pm
I don't understand why it would be okay to not end the relationship. He has never ended it. It has been ongoing. Even though the communications have been less frequent, he has never said to her that it is over because he chooses to end it. She has continued to send him love ecards, love pages, and love quotes. He had continued to send her emails with "Hi, Honey" and "Love, D." This is NOT okay with me!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 02-01-2006 - 8:02am
I guess I didn't realize that your H was still in contact with the OW. I agree that he should be in contact with her to end it--but I think it should be a brief "it's over, was a big mistake, regret it terribly, unfair to my wife and family, don't ever contact me again" sort of thing. If she tries to contact him after that, he should block her phone number, email etc.--no future in trying to "explain" after he has said it's over. That could go on forever. Lily